wolves Posts

15Jun
0

How Seven Little Kids Owned the Wolf

Once upon a time there was a goat who had seven kids. She loved them very much, even though they spent a lot of time crying and arguing and eating more food than she could afford.

Now, she tried not to leave them alone too often, because she knew there was a wolf lurking about who had quite a taste for kids. However, she did have to buy food at least once every week, and after her kids were kicked out of the grocery store for the 7th time, she resolved to go do the shopping by herself.

Before she left, with her metal cart and shopping list, she warned her kids that there was a wolf around, who would do anything to get into the house and gobble them up. She feared they hadn’t really listened, and locked the door double tight when she left.

Of course, the wolf, who had been waiting for ages for this opportunity, sprang upon the house as soon as the goat was well away. He hoisted himself up to look in the window at the delicious kids inside, and rang the doorbell.

“It’s your mother, children,” he called. “Let me in.”

Immediately, the kids saw the wolf in the window and remembered their mother’s warning.

“You’re not our mother,” the bravest among them said. “Our mother does not have the face of a wolf.”

So the wolf, grumbling to himself, climbed down from the window and went on his way.

What he needed was a way to make his own face look like that of a goat. So, he went to the baker and through a combination of persuasive arguments and threats, convinced the baker to cover his face with flour. Once it was perfect, he went back towards the house, past the goat supplies store, the costume shop, the robe maker, and the grocery store.

Unfortunately, it began to rain as he was traveling, and the flour all slowly tripped down his face. He had just started his trip back when he heard a voice call:

“Goat masks! Get your goat masks here!”

He ran in the direction of the voice, and sure enough, the costume-maker was peddling goat masks just outside his shop. The wolf couldn’t believe his luck!

He walked back to the little house confidently, holding the new goat mask up to his face. When he rang the bell this time, the kids let him right in, all talking very fast.

“Mom, did you get cookies?”

Mom, where are the bags?”

Mom, did you get hot dogs?”

“Mon, why would you get hot dogs?”

“Mom, we’re out of peanuts.”

“Mom, I’m allergic to peanuts, and she IS TRYING TO MAKE ME EAT THEM!”

The voices all got faster and more high pitched as the wolf made his way into the house. He tried to examine each kid to determine which he should eat first, but his eyes kept focusing on spilled milk here, a pile of unwashed laundry here, and the wide open window someone could clearly fall out of.

“MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM!”

The voices rose around him until the wolf simply lost the ability to think and fainted dead away.

When the mother goat came home soon after, she was surprised to find the wolf passed out on the ground with a goat mask barely hanging from his face. But before she could even register what happened,

“Mom, the wolf came!”

“Mom, they let him in, it wasn’t me!”

“Mom, the wolf had a mask!”

“Mom, did you get cookies?”

The End.

Source: The Wolf and the Seven Little Kids, German Fairy Tale

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

How to Find A Giant’s Heart

Once upon a time, there was a king who had three sons. Now, he loved two of his sons very much, and tried very hard with the third one, who spent much of his time trying on fine things and looking at his muscles in the mirror.

Of course, it was the two older sons who asked him if they could go on a journey to find themselves brides, and although the king was loath to see them go, he did love them very much, and gave them what they wished, on one condition: they were to bring home a bride for their younger brother as well. If he were going to lose his favorite sons, he figured, he might as well empty the house in one sweep.

So the sons went on their journey, and happened to to meet another king, with two beautiful daughters. They pursued these two girls and made very happy matches, forgetting completely about their younger brother. Now, they were on their way home, stopping every few miles to have a raucous celebration on various lawns, when the owner of one of these lawns came outside. This particular lawn-owner was a giant, who promptly turned the boys and their new wives to stone, and then went back inside to finish his nap.

When the king heard what had happened, he became very sad. So sad he hardly noticed at first that his younger son was offering to take on the responsibility of finding his brothers and bringing them home. Once he realized what was happening, he gave his youngest the finest horse and finest, noblest traveling clothes he could find, glad he could finally give his younger son something he wanted.

Now nobly attired and horsed, as any proper hero should be, the youngest son set out to insist the giant turn his brothers back the way they were before, and right any wrongs he should encounter on the way.

He saw a raven, sitting against a tree, patting its full belly.

“You look hungry, friend Raven!” he cried. “Allow me to help!” And so he stuffed some of his bread into the Raven’s beak.

Later, he saw a salmon, trying to struggle up and out of a river bank.

“You look lost, friend Salmon!” he cried. “Allow me to help!”  And so he picked up the Salmon, and threw it as hard as he could back into the river.

Finally, he saw a wolf loping gracefully along his path.

“You look hungry, friend Wolf!” he cried. “Allow me to help!” Unfortunately, he had run out of food feeding himself and the raven, so all he had to offer was his horse. The wolf insisted that he really did not need to eat the horse, thank you, and that if the prince would stop insisting upon it, the wolf would tell him where to find the Giant Who Had No Heart, who happened to be just the Giant the prince was looking for.

He arrived at the Giant’s house the very next day, and rang the doorbell.

To his surprise, it was answered by a lovely woman.

“You must be the princess of the Giant Without a Heart!” he cried. “Allow me to save you from his tyrannical grasp!”

She explained that grasp-freeing would not be necessary, and led him to the dining room, where his brothers and their wives were enjoying brunch with a well mannered giant. They made a place for him at the table, and the princess calmly explained, again, how after the turning-to-stone incident, she had finally had enough of living with a giant with no heart. She proceeded to ask him every night where he kept his heart, but he kept lying (”I even went to a faraway lake to find the egg of a duck that sang sonnets,” she explained, “but no one wants to hear that story”). Finally, she’d found it behind the refrigerator, cleaned it off, and performed surgery on her husband while he slept. The next morning, he’d apologized immediately upon waking, and went about un-doing the nasty things he’d done without his heart.

So, without a quest to undertake, the prince ate his brunch, thanked his hosts, and rode back home with news of his brothers. The king tried his hardest to be happy to see him.

The End.

Source: The Giant Who Had No Heart In His Body, Norwegian Folk Tale.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

How to Cure a Cold, Starring the Lion

Once upon a time there was a lion, and the lion had gotten quite sick. He lay around his cave for days, blowing his nose and leaving tissues around, hacking up big gobs of phlegm, and lapping out of the same large bowl of water.

Now, many animals from the surrounding area did come to visit the lion in his time of infirmity. They would bring soup, or a movie, or cough drops, but nothing seemed to make the lion happy. He would roar that the other animals didn’t understand his pain, and order them to leave. This was something of a relief for the others, because they certainly didn’t want to catch whatever the lion had got.

But one animal, the wolf, was something of an instigator, and on a particularly boring day, he went to visit the lion. The lion roared, and yelled, but the wolf didn’t move.

“Did you notice that the fox hasn’t come to see you?” the wolf asked, instead. “That is because he is sleeping in his own cave, because he is also sick. Only, he was sick before you were.”

He tossed around a few words about germs and how they spread, and then let the implication settle in. The next day, he brought the fox to visit. Now, the fox was just fine. No runny nose, no coughing. But the wolf had developed something of a sniffle, and couldn’t help snorting up great heaps of phlegm in front of the lion.

So when he suggested to the lion that the only way to get rid of his cold was to kill the other animal who was sick, the lion immediately struck the wolf down.

The fox was rather surprised by this turn of events. “I was just going to tell you to take a bath and get some sleep,” he said.

So, leaving the wolf’s corpse where it lay, the lion followed the fox’s advice. He felt much better the next morning, and to this day, he still doesn’t know which cure helped him, after all.

The End.

Source: The Lion, the Wolf, and the Fox, Aesop.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fables and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

The Boy Who Cried Hippie

Once upon a time, there was a boy who lived in a quiet, hilly village, just the sort of green and sunny place people who want to feel closer to nature find themselves vacationing in. Now, the first thing to know about this boy was that he was bored. He was home for the summer, and he’d read all his books, played all his video games, and watched all the TV he could deal with. He’d taken to wandering around the village, watching the sheep or the shopowners graze or sell their goods.

The first thing to know about the village was that they were all desperately afraid of hippies ever since many years before, when a hippie convention had descended on a area nearby, filling the air with burning incense and the incessant sound of drum circles. So you’ll understand why several of the more prominent townspeople came running when the boy insisted he’d seen a hippie approaching, a drum under his arm and dreadlocks in his hair.

There was, of course, no hippie. The boy had finally found an exercise to keep him occupied. He went home laughing after the townspeople had given up on their search for the rogue hippie.

The next day the very same thing happened, except this time, to keep the townspeople in a state of alarm, the boy claimed he’d seen two hippies, a male and a female, which meant of course, the possibility of something very dangerous: baby hippies. Again, no such hippies were found, and the townspeople went home grumbling about the boy’s lying ways.

By the third day, the boy had grown tired of the game. He decided to instead climb a tree, and found that when he had gotten up in the branches, he couldn’t really jump down. No matter– he didn’t have much else to do anyway.

But then, something happened. In the distance, the boy heard a sound that sent chills through him and the tree alike: drums.

Sure enough, a muu-muu clad, drum playing, dreadlockied hippie settled under the tree and began to beat on his drum without any sense of melody or music. Just an endless, incessant beat. Desperate, the boy called everyone he could think of from the town (on his cell phone. This wasn’t a long time ago, or anything), but no one would help him.

“We don’t believe you!” they all said, and hung up on him. And so, the boy was forced to sit in the tree, listening to the hippie’s song, until early the next morning.

The End.

Source: The Boy and the Wolf, Aesop

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fables and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

Little Someone-Or-Other In The Pinstriped Fedora

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who was affectionately called Little Someone Or Other. She didn’t much like the nickname, but it was a vast improvement on Little Red Riding Hood, the name she’d gotten for one time wearing a red cape she’d certainly never go riding in. Since then, she’d worn a different hat every day, and her family and neighbors and adjusted their affectionate name-calling accordingly.

Now one day, she donned her hat (that day, a black pinstriped fedora) and matching blazer, all prepared to visit her grandmother. She carried with her a basket full of things her grandmother had specifically requested.

It was a nice day, even in the dark and scary woods, and she stopped more than once to look for interesting coins and things that people had dropped on the ground. Her grandmother always liked to see her collections. The second time, she was interrupted by a wolf, who had strolled right up to her and asked how she was enjoying the beautiful day. As if she wouldn’t realize that a talking wolf, walking on two legs and wearing a top hat,  was not a normal thing at all! But she was polite, so she upheld her end of the conversation, and agreed to show the wolf the things she was bringing along.

“No food! But whatever will your poor grandmother eat?” He exclaimed, upon hearing her inventory. “You know, I myself am a fantastic cook. Everyone in the forest thinks my chicken cacciatore is to die for! Why don’t I come along with you?” Little Someone Or Other pretended to think on it, but she knew that that would never do. Everyone knew wolves where only after one thing, and that was grandmothers to eat.

“Perhaps,” she said, still pretending to consider it. “Only I should look again. Maybe I did bring some food after all. Can you take this?” So she handed him one of the items– a glossy gossip magazine. As soon as she was sure he was completely engrossed in Brad and Angelina’s new baby plans, she hurried away.

Only a few moments later, however, the wolf caught up to her. “I didn’t see you go!” he said, handing her back the magazine. “Now, about that meal…”

“Only you’ll need supplies!” she replied, thinking quickly. She pulled out her collection of interesting coins and things from her basket, and handed them to the wolf. “Here, take this and buy some groceries. I’ll meet you right here.”

Once she could no longer see the wolf, she hurried away again. This time, she was nearly all the way to her grandmother’s house before she realized…the grocery store was on the way there! Indeed, the wolf was walking out, arms full of vegetables and spices and raw chicken cutlets, as she passed by.

“Lucky we met here!” The wolf cried when he saw her. “I may need to put some of this in your basket after all.” She allowed him to put away some of the spices and the smaller vegetables while she thought about what to do next.

“Oh!” she finally cried. “I have forgotten, I was meant to bring milk!”

“Milk?”

“Milk. Only, I do not want my grandmother to worry. Why don’t you go ahead to tell her I am coming, and I will meet you there.”

“Of course!” the wolf replied. “I will have the meal ready once you get there.”

I bet you will, the girl thought, and she wrote down a made up address on her last item, a yellow legal pad her grandmother had wanted for making lists.

Once the wolf was on his way, the girl hurried off for the last time. Even though she’d sent him in the wrong direction, she didn’t want him finding her grandmother by accident. She ran all the way, carrying the heavy basket, and so was quite out of breath when she finally arrived at her grandmother’s door.

“Oh, Little Someone Or Other!” her grandmother cried. She was sitting at the table, eating out of a tupperware container. “You must run up the hill to Ms. Whatsit’s home. There is a handsome wolf there making chicken cacciatore for her, and she’s sharing! Hurry and get some–it’s to die for!”

The End.

Source: Little Red Riding Hood, The Brothers Grimm

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

Three Little Pigs With Increasingly Preposterous Homes

Once upon a time, there were three little pigs, all who happened to be excellent at designing and building homes. One day, a hungry wolf started roaming around their town. The oldest pig decided to get to work, building himself a fine brick home with a working fireplace and state of the art kitchen. So then, when the pig ran into the wolf at the local pharmacy the next day, and the wolf threatened to “huff, and puff, and blow your house down!” the pig said, “I’d like to see you try!” And that was the end of that.

Until that night, when the wolf arrived at the pig’s door, huffing and puffing and trying his hardest to blow the house down. The pig hardly noticed, since he had music on, and the sound of the wolf’s breathing didn’t carry. But then, he heard a thumping sound, a banging sound, and the wolf burst through the pig’s living room, with a jackhammer and a helmet. Before the pig could run away, the wolf had put him into a sack. (Did you think he was going to eat the pig raw? Then he is not the wolf you think he is.)

The next day, the wolf ran into the second pig in the pharmacy, threatened to “huff and puff and blow his house down,” and dropped subtle hints that he had one pig already. The pig, being clever, recognized the hints and abandoned work on his own brick house. Instead, he donned a wetsuit and began work far beneath the sea, where he was sure the wolf would not be able to huff or puff or do any manner of blowing.

Imagine his surprise, then, when that very night, a submarine burst through the side of his new home! Before he could put his suit back on, he was smuggled into the sack with the other pig and carried away.

Now the third pig ran into the wolf in the pharmacy the next day, and he was told directly that the wolf had two pigs already and would be coming for him next. So he hatched a plan, and by nightfall, was sitting in his new home…on the Moon.

Sure enough, the wolf stepped off his own spaceship just in front of the pig’s house, but had not planned on the lack of gravity he found there! He began to float away, sack and all. The youngest pig, prepared for this, used his anti-gravity device to draw the sack back to him, as the wolf floated away into space. The two other pigs, who thankfully had not been cooked yet because the wolf had been unable to procure the right spices, praised the youngest pig’s clever thinking and fine house. They decided to remain on the moon, and there they lived, happily ever after.

The End.

Source: The Three Little Pigs, Traditional Fairy Tale

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , ,