weird Posts

Fly Takes the Stand

Once upon a time, a wicked man went into the real estate business.

He had a fair amount of property, you see, which he would rent out to peasants in exchange for most of their crops. However, his true wickedness came from the fact that he made it a point to ask for the rent at most inconvenient of times, such as while his tenants were in the shower, or in the middle of the night. Once, he had even visited many homes during a snowstorm, asking for the rent.

It was just how he got his kicks.

One particularly hot day, he ventured to the house farthest from the trees, and demanded the rent. However, only the child who lived there was home, and it took some time, but the landlord finally had to accept that he wasn’t getting the rent from a little kid.

To make things worse, when he asked the boy where his parents were, he only replied, “My mother is catching the moon in the bathtub, and my father is riding a horse made of cheese.”

“What?” the landlord asked.

But the boy just kept playing his game.

Finally, curiosity got the better of the landlord, and he promised that he would forgive that month’s rent if only the boy would tell him what he really meant. But the boy wouldn’t do it, he said, he was so sure the landlord would lie and deny the conversation ever happened, just so he could collect the rent.

Luckily, just then, a fly happened by, and perched on a barrel next to the boy. The landlord suggested the fly would make an acceptable witness, and the boy readily agreed.

“My father is taking out the garbage. And my mother is out at the store.”

And when the landlord asked him to explain how those actions accounted for the boy’s earlier statements, he simply replied,

“Well, I made that up.”

So the landlord left in a tizzy, and demanded the rent later that night, when the boy’s parents were just getting into bed.

He was just congratulating himself on his handling of the family when his mail arrived. You see, the landlord had been subpoenaed. He was to appear in court the very next day, and defend his right to the family’s rent payment.

He went to bed just fine that night, confident he would win. After all, the only witness the boy could offer was a fly….

And so he went to court, and he was charming and sympathetic, and the boy looked rather foolish. Until…

“I call the fly to the stand”

The judge banged her gavel, and a giant fly wearing a suit walked into the room and took the stand. He described the conversation between the landlord and the boy, down to what the landlord was wearing that day, and how much rent was owed.

And so the landlord paid the family back, and was from then on very careful about who he made promises in front of.

The End.

Source: The Fly, Vietnamese folktale

The Icky Bridegroom

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was promised in marriage by her family to someone she did not care for at all. He was a short thin man with a narrow mustache and shifty eyes. Worst of all, he pronounced schedule “shedule” and even though she made it a point to talk about her busy”ska-edule” whenever he came to visit, he unfortunately still wished to marry her.

Before the wedding could take place however, her parents insisted she visit the man at home, to make sure he had no terrible secrets, like bodies under his deck or cats that bit. He provided her with a poor map he had printed off the internet, but to make sure she could find her way home again, she dropped lentils as she went. She didn’t like her mother’s lentil soup anyway.

She soon reached a little house in the shadow of a giant willow tree. As she slowly approached it, however, she was startled by this:

“Brraaaaack! Don’t go in there!”

“Braaack! you’ll regret it!”

It took some time, but she managed to track the voice to a parrot sitting in the tree above her.

“Shhh!” she said. “He’ll hear!”

There were footsteps then, and the sound of the door creaking. Quickly, she darted behind a chest of drawers behind which there was an extraordinary amount of dust.

Her bridegroom to be had indeed entered the room, but luckily he had not noticed her. She could tell because of the next few things he did.

First, he sat down in the middle of the floor and took off his shoes. After taking a long whiff, he cut his toenails. He then swept them into a little pile and put them in his pocket.

Next, he filled a small kiddie pool with cologne and got into it. He stayed in there for quite some time. After a while, she could feel her eyes burning from all the fumes in the air, but she dared not move or risk giving away her location.

Finally, he stood before the mirror, occasionally murmuring things like “You’re a tiger. Rawr!” or “Rock my world! Rock it hard!” while sometimes slipping his hand into his pocket and chewing on something he had found there.

And then he went into the kitchen, and his bride to be made her escape.

“Brraaack! Going already?” called the parrot.

She tore down the path, following the trail she’d left for herself, and immediately told her father what she’d seen upon arriving home.

* * *

On the day before the wedding, the sun shone and people arrived, mostly not on time. But during the rehearsal dinner, the bride-to-be stood up and shyly (she hoped) asked to make a speech for the man who would be her husband.

“I had a dream,” she began. “I dreamed I went to your house, in the woods, and met a parrot who told me to go no further. I dreamed I heard you coming, and hid behind some furniture. And I dreamed I watched you do disgusting things, like bathe in cologne.”

At this point, several noses pricked up near the bridegroom.

“And smell your own feet.”

“And cut your toenails.”

“And collect and eat them.”

All eyes turned on the bridegroom, who was nervously chewing on something, his hand in his pocket.

The End

Source: The Robber Bridegroom, Brothers Grimm