tea Posts

23Sep
0

Fortune and Fanny, Part 2

Once upon a time, an obnoxious boy sought to prove his love to the unpleasant princess he was fated to marry by agreeing to fetch her three biscuits belonging to the Terrible Monster living in the treacherous mountain just outside their kingdom. Read about it in the first part of Fortune and Fanny.

Fortune followed the crunching tearing gnawing sounds until finally, the Terrible Monster appeared in his view. But when he saw the beast, Fortune stopped, surprised.

Because the monster looked, well, pleasant. Sort of like a large monkey with a nice round face and cute fuzzy ears. Certainly nicer than Stupid Fanny and her Stupid Face.

But then the monster roared and howled and banged its fists against the ground.

And then it spoke.

“Hi,” it said. “Would you like a biscuit?”

And just like that, Fortune collected three biscuits. He stayed the afternoon, drinking tea with the Terrible Monster and talking about the kingdom. As they spoke, the Monster mentioned the meercat on the boat, saying in passing that if he were to hand anyone the oar, that anyone would be stuck rowing the boat, and the meercat would be free to go.

Fortune thanked the Monster for his hospitality, and then went on his way. He stayed quiet on the boat, but once he was safe on the shore, he told the meercat the secret he had learned.

And then he went home, and found Fanny.

Now, at this point, Fortune was furious with Fanny. Maybe he’d gotten lucky with the Terrible Monster, but still, he had never been so inconvenienced in his life. And so, since Fortune was a liar as well as an arrogant jerk, he told Fanny that there was a great treasure at the foot of the mountain, and a meercat in a boat could help her find it. And so, since Fanny was greedy as well as unpleasant, she set out the very next day to find it.

By the following night, as expected, Fortune found Fanny steering the boat back and forth across the lake, looking very, very angry. She cursed at him until her voice got hoarse, and then Fortune left her there and went home.

For several days, Fortune was very happy, knowing that Fanny who had inconvenienced him so was ceaselessly rowing back and forth across the lake. He didn’t even miss her.

Well, not all the time, anyway.

But one morning, when he woke up facing an angry dwarf from inside a glass coffin, he began to suspect she might be back.

Later, he learned that she had figured out the trick, and handed the oar to a hapless delivery elf. Then she returned to wage the biggest prank war the kingdom had ever seen.

Now, sometime during that war, Fortune realized he didn’t want to live without Fanny, even if she was forever hiding spindles among his belongings or putting his picture on polar bear love match websites. And it occurred to Fanny that maybe she wouldn’t mind being married to Fortune after all.

And the rest of the kingdom rejoiced, because they couldn’t imagine anyone as horrible as Fortune or Fanny finding love anywhere else.

The End.

Source: The Devil and the Three Golden Hairs, Brothers Grimm

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jul
0

How to Treat Tea Kettles That Are Also Badgers

Once upon a time, an unfortunate wise man lost his tea kettle. It simply stopped making tea one day, brewing instead some form of Very Berry Fruit Punch.

The wise man hated Very Berry Fruit Punch.

Luckily, he was able to procure a new tea tea kettle quickly enough, bought from the shifty fellow who hung out behind the knitting supplies store.

He brought it home, set it to boil, and was extremely frustrated to find that nothing happened. Quite angry, he threw the kettle against the wall.

And then something amazing happened.

The kettle grew legs and a tail, and suddenly the wise man found himself looking at a badger with the body of a tea kettle.

It growled and charged, and consequently, was the last thing the wise man ever saw.

Some time later, the wise man’s house was looted, and the tea kettle ended up back on the street. It was purchased shortly by a trouser repairman, who brought it home and was mystified when it failed to produce tea.

So, he put a few handfuls of berries in it, figuring it might at least serve as storage, and was thus surprised when it transformed into a badger with a kettle body and began to purr. Suddenly, the faint figure of what looked like a wise man appeared, and haltingly implored him to run from the creature as quickly as he could.

But it looked so friendly, so he gave it a treat and taught it tricks. Eventually, he and the creature began to perform at shows that charged no admission, but sold overly expensive hot dogs and lemonade. The ghostly wise man felt a little bitter about the way things had turned out, but he usually enjoyed the shows, nonetheless.

The End.

Source: The Wonderful Tea Kettle, Japanese folktale

P.S. Beatrix Cottonpants would like those of you not already familiar with The Wonderful Tea Kettle to note that the badger/kettle creature was not, in fact, her invention.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Folktales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

Jack and Jill, and Jill and Jack

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Jack and his sister Jill.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Jill and her brother Jack.  A different Jill, and a different Jack altogether.

Now, Jack who had a sister Jill, and Jill who had a brother Jack, were madly in love. They had every intention of getting married one day.  The other Jill and the other Jack, were, as far as anyone else knew, not romantically involved. However, they were quite compatible in their entrepreneurial styles, and decided to go into business together.

So one day, Jill and Jack went up a hill, to put their very first business plan into action. Meanwhile, Jack and Jill stayed behind to have a picnic under a tree, complete with tea and crumpets and wings and crowns. They were very festive picnic-ers.

Although Jack had insisted that tap water should work just fine, Jill had forced him to go up the hill with her to fetch a pail of cold spring water, so that they could bottle that cold spring water and sell it to others, starting with, probably, Jack and Jill.

Unfortunately, they never made it to that point. While trying to scoop the cold spring water into the first plastic bottle, Jack slipped on a wet rock and began to roll down the hill at a terrifying speed. Jack and Jill below were so busy below staring into each other’s souls that neither of them saw Jack hurtling toward them, with the result that Jack smashed into Jack, bruising his face, and knocking the crown from his head. When Jill saw the crown lying broken on the ground, she tumbled into the mess as well, screaming and kicking and scratching.

Meanwhile, Jill remained atop the hill, slowly filling water bottles. By the time she made her way down, Jack, Jack and Jill had stopped fighting and were all very tired and thirsty. Since they were friends, Jill only charged each of them $2.50.

The End.

Source: Jack and Jill, Nursery Rhyme

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Nursery Rhymes and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

Three Gruffsome Goats

Once upon a time, there was a troll who lived under a bridge. Now, this was a troll who lived for quiet. He liked nothing better than to curl up on the couch with a nice book and a hot cup of tea. Unfortunately, living under a creaky bridge, the troll often found his quiet time interrupted by the “creeeeaaak creeeeaak” of the bridge swinging in the wind or the “trip trap trip trap” of his neighbors in the animal kingdom crossing the bridge.

Being a clever troll, he managed to keep things under control by hopping on top of his bridge and threatening to eat the trespasser in question unless he or she could offer up a better substitute. They invariably did, and never crossed the bridge themselves again.

Recently, however, the troll had encountered a more serious problem: three little goats by the name of Gruffsome. Now, the three billygoats Gruffsome lived just north of the bridge, and they spent many a summer day running back and forth across it, jumping and stomping and yelling until the troll thought he might have to eat his own ears just to get some quiet. More worrisome still, the three little Gruffsomes were clever, and had long called his bluff: when he threatened the little one, the little one would tell him to wait for his older brother. The older brother would tell him to wait for his oldest brother, and the oldest brother would swear an elephant or some otherwise imaginary but delicious animal was on the way.

The troll didn’t really want to kill and eat any of the goats, but he was starting to think he didn’t have any other options.

He decided first to try other threats. Give them homework! Make them clean! Tell their mother! But the little goats just laughed and ran away, only to come trip-trapping back over the bridge moments later.

He tried to make the bridge as inhospitable as possible, by cooking bad smelling things and turning his television all the way up. But the little goats ignored it all, running back and forth over the bridge.

He tried to engage the little goats in awkward conversation, figuring they’d be so bored they’d never return, but instead, all three began to seek him out, to tell him about missing teeth and trips to the hillside and surprisingly late bedtimes.

Why would nothing work? Finally, he got so frustrated, so angry, he lost his temper, and pulled the bridge down with his bare hands. He had an uncomfortable fall, but the bridge came down, and after that, there was no more activity above to interrupt his rest.

He should have been happy. But, as time passed, he found himself listening for the “trip trap, trip trap” of the three little goats. How hard could it be, he wondered, to build a bridge?

Source: The Three Billy Goats Gruff, Norwegian Folktale

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Folktales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

Golden Tea and Donkey Ladies

Once upon a time, there was a little kingdom. And in this little kingdom, no one was more powerful that the owner of the tea shop. (As it should be! Can you think of anything more awesome than tea? Thought not). Now, most of the time, the owner of the teashop ruled wisely and fairly. However, he had two pet peeves: people who stole tea, and people who lied about tea. Most of the time, this wasn’t an issue at all, because everyone knew about these pet peeves, and no one wanted to be cut off from the source (in this case, refused service in the tea shop).

However, some days were worse than most. For example, one day, the teashop owner was just cleaning up for the night, when he spotted traces of his famous Vanilla Blossom tea on the ground. He swept it up, only to find another spot. And another, and another, until he found himself sweeping a trail of tea leading him just outside to a beat up tin carried by…a tea thief! Apparently, a new arrival in the kingdom had thought to get away with not paying by sneaking loose teas into his tin and making off with them.

The teashop owner could not conceal his rage. And what a terrible rage it was! Never had the man felt so ashamed, so embarrassed at himself, as when the teashop owner screamed at him. He was positive the lecture would echo in his dreams. Perhaps that was why he made the rash decision of offering up his only daughter.

You see, he’d made a promise to the teashop owner. He promised his daughter could brew tea from a block of solid gold. Although it sounded ridiculous, the teashop owner decided to give it a try. Should the man be lying however, he would certainly give him a yelling at he would long to forget.

So the girl arrived the very next day, and was promptly ushered into the kitchen, where she could remain until the end of the day, working on her tea. Once the door was closed, she promptly began to fret.

It was all a terrible idea, she’d thought. Who would even want to drink tea made of gold? It sounded heavy and metallic to her, not at all relaxing. But it was what the teashop owner wanted, and the girl had never seen her father so afraid as when he returned home with his ill gotten tea.

So she fretted and she worried and wept a while, crying out for help, any help at all. She fell asleep, because she knew not what else to do, and when she awoke, the block of gold was gone and there sat on the counter a cup full of hot, piping, gold tea.

The teashop owner was more than pleased. He took a sip and demanded she make enough for him to sell in his store the next day. After that, he would consider their families even.

So the girl fell asleep again, thinking this was what made the magic.

But, clearly, it was not. She awoke some time in the middle of the night, and found no cups of tea before her. So she wept, and cried, and worried, and fretted, trying to discern which coping strategy had worked the last time. Finally, she called for help, and something appeared before her!

It appeared at first glance to be a wizened old woman, or an elf, or maybe a donkey. Whatever she was, she spoke in a pleasant, croaky voice, and promised the girl she’d have all prepared for the next day, provided she exchange one boon before the day was done.

Now, the girl wasn’t stupid, and she didn’t think she should be making any nameless promises to old elf-donkey women.  But the thought of her father’s face gave her pause, and after ascertaining that the woman wouldn’t be taking her first, second, or any born, she agreed.

And so the next day, the golden tea was ready, the shop was full, and people from all over the kingdom had a try. It went over very badly.

After all, who wants to drink tea made of gold? It’s heavy and metallic. Not relaxing at all. But, the teashop owner had only asked for a day’s worth of golden tea, not its success, so he didn’t begrudge the girl or her father. In fact, the girl proved quite adept at making the regular sorts of tea when the customers needed something to wash the gold out of their mouth. So, in time, the teashop owner took her on as his business partner, and she never spent another day or night weeping in the kitchen.

As for the old elf-donkey woman, she claimed her prize once the festivities were over by grasping the girl’s tea-thieving father about the wrist and dragging him home. Turned out she’d always had a thing for him. The girl was disturbed at first, but she seemed a reasonable enough old elf-donkey lady, and her father did manage to stop by the teashop every now and again. So she figured all was well.

The End.

Source: Rumplestiltskin, Brothers Grimm

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , ,