princesses Posts

10Feb
1

The Snow Bunny, Concluded

Once upon a time, a wicked rabbit, saddened by the loss of his racist mirror, recruited a boy named Kay to join his attempt at world domination. However, his army of robot rabbits was discovered by Kay’s friend Gerda, a robber girl, and a princess.

Although they did not know it, Kay and Gerda had actually been reunited in the dungeon where the robot rabbits were kept. While the Snow Rabbit showed Kay his masterpiece, Gerda and her friends, who had sneaked in through an open window, waited in a rafter above the room. She thought she could see Kay walking between the rows of robot rabbits, but he was so far away. Also, he was wearing rabbit ears and a fuzzy tail.

“Now!” she cried, giving the signal. Just as they had discussed, all three girls grabbed a chain hanging from the ceiling and swung down to the floor below. But they were interrupted by the robots, who began firing lasers wildly in every direction. Kay and the Snow Rabbit jumped to the floor, and the girls fell to the ground in a heap. Meanwhile, quite a few lasers broke through the dungeon walls, and when the intoxicating scent of bacon wafted by, the robots all began to file out into the world. By the time everyone inside stood up again, the robots were gone.

For a long time, they just stared at each other.

Then they screamed at each other.

Then they decided to follow the robots. However, the robots had a substantial lead, and by the time the Snow Rabbit and the kids found them, it was too late. The rabbits had found a new master.

Standing before the sea of robots was a donkey. “Don’t steal all the bacon!” the donkey said. “Instead, we will give it back.”

And one by one, the robots rabbits turned down their ears and turned off their lasers.

At that point, the Snow Rabbit knew he had lost them, just like he had lost his mirror.

“How about pizza?” he asked, and he, Kay, Gerda, and the girls walked off into the snow.

The End.

Source: The Snow Queen, Hans Christian Andersen.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
19Jan
1

The Snow Bunny, Ctd.

Once upon a time, a wicked rabbit broke his racist mirror and persuaded a boy named Kay to help him take over the world with an army of robot rabbits.

Kay’s disappearance did not sit well with his good friend, Gerda.

Back at home, Gerda  wished that Kay were dead. The sparrows, the swans, and even one squirrel (but not the others) told her she was being unreasonable, but she persisted in wishing upon her friend a number of gory ends.

After a while, she got tired of sitting around and wishing and decided to set off in search of Kay. She left that very night, and it was not because of what the sparrows and the swans and the squirrel might say, no matter what you think. Though it is worth noting that they were asleep when she left.

Of course, night is not really the best time for a little girl to travel, and she was soon beset upon by robbers. Luckily she did not have much of value on her to steal, and even more luckily, one of the few things she did have on her person was a samurai sword. She quickly dispatched the robbers, and was surprised to hear someone clapping behind her.

Behind her stood another girl, dressed like the robbers, who held her own samurai sword. Before Gerda knew it, she was engaged in a very close match, but just as she was sure her very life was about to flash before her eyes, the girl stopped. And laughed. She explained then that while she had enjoyed the fight, she had never really intended to kill gerda. Then she asked if she could join her on her quest.

Gerda agreed, and they set off together

She told the robber girl about Kay, and the other girl, to her relief, did not suggest she refrain from killing him. They traveled together quite peacefully after that, until they came to a beautiful palace. Inside, they were told, was a princess about their same age.

So they went to visit the princess and spent some time talking to her and combing her hair. The princess had only brothers, so she was glad of the female company, even if Gerda and the robber girl were not particularly pleasant. However, it also seemed as though the little princess had a secret, and the third time she excused herself from their teatime, the girls followed her down to the dungeon, where they found her tending to a robotic rabbit with red glowing eyes.

“We must have that!” the robber girl decided, and Gerda agreed.

So they demanded the rabbit, and the princess refused and began to cry. They argued until they realized the rabbit had gone, and they put aside their differences to follow it together. The journey was long and unpleasant, but they finally trackexd thr rabbit to another dungeon.

And in that dungeon were dozens of robot rabbits, all with glowing red eyes.

The End. For now…

Source: The Snow Queen, Hans Christian Andersen.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
14Oct
0

A Touch of Eggs

Once upon a time, a king called Midas was cross with his daughter.

You see, something everyone knew about Midas (at least, he thought everyone knew) was that he preferred his eggs, and thus his omelets, a little runny.

But when his daughter presented him with the omelet she had made, it had practically crispy edges.

Turned out his daughter preferred her omelets a little less runny.

So he threw the plate to the ground and stormed away, stomping about the palace, kicking and breaking things, and yelling at anyone who crossed his path.

Finally, the cook agreed to make him an omelet, just the way he liked it. While he cooked, he tried to talk some sense into the mad king.

“Everyone has different tastes, sir,” he tried. “I’m sure the princess meant no harm.”

The king was unimpressed.

“Different tastes are wrong!” he cried. “Only runny omelets are worth eating! I wish I could eat nothing but runny omelets! I wish everything I touched turned into runny omelets!”

Which was, of course, the sort of wish that should never be uttered aloud.

The next morning, King Midas woke up on a runny omelet, with his resting on what might have been the same, or an all together different runny omelet.

He gingerly climbed out of bed onto the floor, which practically melted beneath his feet. He tried to slip into his kingly robe, but it melted and fell to the floor in a delicious heap.

At first, it was sort of fun. But King Midas soon grew full, and was tired of the squelchy smelly mess his home was becoming.

Beyond the palace, things were normal, at least until the king swept through on his daily parade. Roads. houses, horses and cars turned into eggs and cheese and milk. Even a mountainside, which the king rested on without thinking, melted away into an avalanche.

The king went home, wishing he could ask his daughter what to do. He wished he hadn’t tried to wake her up that morning by shaking her shoulders.

But suddenly, he knew what he had to do. He slipped on shoes and gloves of egg and began to eat. He ate and ate until almost every trace of the avalanche, and probably some of his palace was gone, and finally he groaned and announced, “Enough! I have had enough runny omelet!”

All around him, trees and birds and dogs appeared. Houses returned. Midas rushed home and hugged his daughter. He made her a crispy omelet, and they never fought over breakfast again.

The End.

Source: King Midas, Greek Myth

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Myths and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , ,
02Jul
0

Of Princesses and Pirates

Once upon a time, there was a little princess. The little princess was admired by all, courtiers and commoners alike, because she was clever and polite and never complained about having to finish her dinner before eating dessert.

But the little princess had a secret.

Sometimes, the little princess was also a little pirate.

Some nights she would remove her pointy veiled hat from her head and replace it with a black tri-corner hat decorated with a skull and crossbones. She would sneak some cake from the kitchen and bring it to the castle next door for the two princesses who lived there. In exchange, they would cover for her while she climbed aboard her ship, shouted orders to her crew, and terrorized the seas just beyond her home.

And she was always back in bed  before morning.

Until, one day, the other princesses turned on her. They were tired of cake, they said. They wanted cookies, they said. And brownies, they said. With frosting and sprinkles.

The little princess tried her hardest to make it happen, but as their demands grew more specific, she found herself unable to supply, and so they stopped covering for her.

For some time, the seas went unterrorized, the boats nearby untouched, their jewels secure. The princess was very sad.

But one day, she saw the other little princesses, the ones who had betrayed her, playing outside in their boat, and she had an idea.

Without making an excuse, she boarded her pirate ship and steered it toward the other princesses. As she grew closer, she saw they had cookies, and brownies. With the might of her ship and her crew behind her, the little princess stormed the ship and took all the desserts with her when she left.

But that night, she was too full to finish her dinner. She went to bed sick, with the sad voices of the other princesses repeating mean things in her head. At one point, she thought she dreamed that an angry cookie was chasing her about the docks.

It was a terrible night, and the very next day, the princess went to the other two girls with a cake and an apology. She even offered to make them her first and second mate.

From then on, all three princesses shared their desserts, and worked together to steal cookies and cakes and brownies and tarts, not to mention bags of money and precious jewels,  from the other, weaker children in other kingdoms.

The End.

© A Beatrix Cottonpants Original.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Beatrix Cottonpants Originals and tagged with , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

A Little Man Who Wears Many Different Hats, Part Two

Once upon a time, there was a young man who had been tricked by a little man in a sailor’s cap into grabbing a goose made entirely out of syrup, and as a result had his food stolen away from him.

Now, Less,(short for “Less Attractive than his older brothers” ,Fair and Handsome) was feeling quite down about himself, because of the goose situation, and tired, when he arrived home with his hands stuck to this goose and with his two brothers dragging beside him. He was certain his mother would want to have words with him, and that most of them wouldn’t be nice.

So he was surprised at least to find his mother considering a poster at the dining room table, and even surprised that her face broke into a rather disturbing smile when she turned around and looked at him.

“There’s  a grand prize,” she explained. “The king needs someone to make his daughter laugh. Three grown men stuck to a goose made out of syrup should do it!”

“What’s the prize?” Less asked. He imagined himself, briefly, marrying the princess and spending the rest of his life jet skiing across grassy plains and relaxing under an oversized umbrella as a storm raged around him.

“25 whole dollars!” she said, instead. “Can’t beat that!”

And so, even though he thought the whole thing was a little absurd, Less dragged the goose and his brothers to the castle, where the king sat in his throne, presiding over a long line of clowns and jugglers and stand up comedians. A young lady, presumably his daughter, sat next to him and yawned occasionally.

By the time Less got to the front of the room, he was so tired of waiting on line and so annoyed with his brothers, who kept waking up and demanding waffles, that he said the first thing that came out of his mouth, which, unfortunately, was,

“Don’t you have better things to do all day than parade people in front of your daughter?”

Luckily for him, the princess did in fact laugh, so hard she fell out of her throne. If that hadn’t happened, the king might very well have executed our poor hero right there.

But laugh she did, and the king had no choice but to hand over $25.

He took the money home, and put it aside. He and his mother worked at getting the goose, and his brothers, unattached to Less.

But soon, another flyer circulated, this one promising $50 dollars for anyone who could finish a gigantic loaf of bread.

At first, Less felt very put upon by his mother’s request for him to enter the contest again. But then, he had an idea.

On the day the contest was to begin, he wandered into the forest, until he spotted a little man wearing a hat made out of fruit. Once he knew for certain he had the little man’s attention, he began to sing a song about a gigantic loaf of bread, and how happy he would be to eat it all.

Just as he had planned, the little man followed him all the way to the castle, and then proceeded to trip him and beat him to the bread, which he ate without stopping to breathe, or even swallow, it seemed. When he had finished, the king awarded a $50 bill…to the little man, who promptly ate it.

Somehow, Less had not foreseen this turn of events, so he went home rather frustrated. And the next week, when his mother showed him a flier announcing a contest to see who could drink a basement full of fizzy blue soda, he outright refused.

Here’s what he did instead: he took the $25 dollars, bought a ring, and asked the princess to marry him. She said no, but he felt he had accomplished something in the asking, anyway.

The End.

Source: The Golden Goose

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

Dusty Knickers

Once upon a time, there lived an extraordinarily dusty girl.

Now, it wasn’t entirely her fault she was so dusty. She lived with her two stepsisters, who may have been even dustier girls if she didn’t make it her personal mission in life to keep them clean. She forced them to wash up, and swept their rooms and made their beds and made sure they didn’t wear shoes in the house. As a result, she was left with little time to do these things for herself, no matter no often her lazy stepsisters insisted she leave them be and take care of her own room and bed and shoes and personal hygiene.

In time, they began to call her Dusty Knickers, as everything she wore invariably became dusty. And stayed dusty, since she was so busy doing laundry for her step sisters that she failed to do her own.

Now one day, the stepsisters received an invitation to the county cook off, the most exciting time of the year. Unfortunately, the two girls were not particularly good cooks. Even more unfortunately, they thought they were excellent cooks, because they’d never had an opportunity to give their food to anyone other than Dusty, whose tongue was so coated in dust that she couldn’t really taste anything anyway.

So the girls prepared for days, making every recipe they knew — broccoli in cheese sauce, asparagus in cheese sauce, chicken in cheese sauce, cheese in cheese sauce, and a daring new concoction — rice in cheese sauce, with bits of canned tomatoes. They were extremely pleased with themselves, so pleased that they hardly became frustrated when Dusty cleaned up all of their equipment (and spilled cheese sauce) while they were still using it.

On the day of the cookoff, they proudly presented their food to the judges, including for some reason, the prince of a nearby country that also had a prime minister, and watched them chew every bite.

But suddenly, a gust of wind blew past the girls and their stepsister, and all of their dishes were covered in dust.

The girls were distraught. but the judges were grinning.

Several days later, a proclamation went out through out the land that the prince who had been at the cook off had resolved to marry the girl who had caused the dust storm. There was also a proclamation going around about yet another prince who was looking for the owner of a lost glass slipper.

The girls realized at once that the prince would be coming in search of their dusty stepsister. Each of them desperately wanted to be the chosen bride, but they knew they’d never get her cleaned off. So they did the next best thing and locked her in a room.

For days, they lived in the sort of filth they’d unknowingly avoided for years. And it was, well, pretty disgusting.

“That prince had better get here soon,” they’d taken to grumbling. “Because I can’t take much more of this.”

Meanwhile, Dusty sat in the other room, cleaning the walls and the floor, and gathering dust.

And get there the prince did, finally, just as the girls were on the verge of taking showers.

The prince frowned when he saw them. “You are both fairly dusty. But the girl I remember was extraordinarily dusty. Could it be that my imagination has fooled me?

Yes, yes, it could be, the girls affirmed.

Just then, there was a sneeze. And another. And another, all coming from the room Dusty was locked in. The prince, being a valiant, if strange, sort, immediately strode over and pulled open the door.

They were married almost immediately.

The next day, the sisters went out looking for a glass slipper.

The End.

Source: Cinderella, Perrault.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

Jackson, Ferret and Hypocrite

Once upon a time, there a lived a king and a queen who very much wanted a child.  Any child.

Or, a pet.  After hoping and thinking and wishing for some time, the queen conceded that she’d be happy with even just a ferret.

Sometimes, you really do have to be careful what you wish for, especially if you are prone to wishing out loud. You never know who’s listening.

Nine months later, the queen gave birth to a ferret.

Considering all the wishing and whatnot, the queen and king decided to make the best of the situation and lavished upon the ferret all the love they would have lavished upon some innocent boy or girl.  They named him Jackson. They dressed him up in little suits and told him he was the smartest and most handsome boy around.

In time, Jackson grew, so that one day he stood as tall as his parents.  But he was still, you know, a ferret.  A very tall ferret.

And one day, Jackson the very tall ferret decided he needed to find true love, and informed his parents of his plan to do so.

Now, his parents knew that Jackson might have a hard time of it, since human girls were so rarely interested in marrying fully grown ferrets. However, they couldn’t hurt his pride by telling him so, and instead tried to warn him:

“Girls may be intimidated because they aren’t as smart as you.”

Or:

“Girls may be afraid because they’ve never seen anyone as handsome as you.”

They were very surprised to hear that the very first nobleman Jackson had encountered had offered up his second daughter.

Here’s what they didn’t know:

Some time ago, the nobleman had thrown a party, and failed to invite one of the faeries.

But another faery, who was at the party, had had a little too much fun, and turned his second daughter into a ferret.

Jackson found out about this just in time to temporarily cancel the wedding, and consult every holy man, magic man, and veterinarian in town about the state of his bride to be.

The vet gave him eye drops.

The holy man gave him holy water.

The magic man gave him a bag of mysterious powder.

That night, Jackson sneaked into the other ferret’s room and sprinkled all three substances over her. Then he closed the door behind him, and waited patiently for morning.

He never did find out which had done it, but by the next morning, a beautiful young woman woke up and brushed a few stray ferret hairs from her body. The wedding was back on!

Some time after it was over, and Jackson had become accustomed to married life, his wife made a decision.

She visited the holy man.

She visited the magic man.

She visited the veterinarian.

They all told her the same thing:  Jackson was a ferret.  And she was screwed.

The End.

Source: Prince Hedgehog, Russian folktale

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Folktales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

How to Find A Giant’s Heart

Once upon a time, there was a king who had three sons. Now, he loved two of his sons very much, and tried very hard with the third one, who spent much of his time trying on fine things and looking at his muscles in the mirror.

Of course, it was the two older sons who asked him if they could go on a journey to find themselves brides, and although the king was loath to see them go, he did love them very much, and gave them what they wished, on one condition: they were to bring home a bride for their younger brother as well. If he were going to lose his favorite sons, he figured, he might as well empty the house in one sweep.

So the sons went on their journey, and happened to to meet another king, with two beautiful daughters. They pursued these two girls and made very happy matches, forgetting completely about their younger brother. Now, they were on their way home, stopping every few miles to have a raucous celebration on various lawns, when the owner of one of these lawns came outside. This particular lawn-owner was a giant, who promptly turned the boys and their new wives to stone, and then went back inside to finish his nap.

When the king heard what had happened, he became very sad. So sad he hardly noticed at first that his younger son was offering to take on the responsibility of finding his brothers and bringing them home. Once he realized what was happening, he gave his youngest the finest horse and finest, noblest traveling clothes he could find, glad he could finally give his younger son something he wanted.

Now nobly attired and horsed, as any proper hero should be, the youngest son set out to insist the giant turn his brothers back the way they were before, and right any wrongs he should encounter on the way.

He saw a raven, sitting against a tree, patting its full belly.

“You look hungry, friend Raven!” he cried. “Allow me to help!” And so he stuffed some of his bread into the Raven’s beak.

Later, he saw a salmon, trying to struggle up and out of a river bank.

“You look lost, friend Salmon!” he cried. “Allow me to help!”  And so he picked up the Salmon, and threw it as hard as he could back into the river.

Finally, he saw a wolf loping gracefully along his path.

“You look hungry, friend Wolf!” he cried. “Allow me to help!” Unfortunately, he had run out of food feeding himself and the raven, so all he had to offer was his horse. The wolf insisted that he really did not need to eat the horse, thank you, and that if the prince would stop insisting upon it, the wolf would tell him where to find the Giant Who Had No Heart, who happened to be just the Giant the prince was looking for.

He arrived at the Giant’s house the very next day, and rang the doorbell.

To his surprise, it was answered by a lovely woman.

“You must be the princess of the Giant Without a Heart!” he cried. “Allow me to save you from his tyrannical grasp!”

She explained that grasp-freeing would not be necessary, and led him to the dining room, where his brothers and their wives were enjoying brunch with a well mannered giant. They made a place for him at the table, and the princess calmly explained, again, how after the turning-to-stone incident, she had finally had enough of living with a giant with no heart. She proceeded to ask him every night where he kept his heart, but he kept lying (”I even went to a faraway lake to find the egg of a duck that sang sonnets,” she explained, “but no one wants to hear that story”). Finally, she’d found it behind the refrigerator, cleaned it off, and performed surgery on her husband while he slept. The next morning, he’d apologized immediately upon waking, and went about un-doing the nasty things he’d done without his heart.

So, without a quest to undertake, the prince ate his brunch, thanked his hosts, and rode back home with news of his brothers. The king tried his hardest to be happy to see him.

The End.

Source: The Giant Who Had No Heart In His Body, Norwegian Folk Tale.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

Princess/Dr. Sheep

Once upon a time, there was a king who was not quite all there, mentally speaking. The King’s family and kingdom and the castle staff were used to his eccentricities, whether they included declaring random days “Pancake Day” or swimming in the shallow fountain with his pet frog, and considered him, on the whole, harmless.

Until the day, however, that he betrothed his only daughter and heir to a sheep. Everyone waited for the king to forget about the promise, or change his mind, but as the day of the wedding drew nearer, and the king seemed sure as ever that he really did want his daughter to marry the sheep, thank you, everyone started to get very nervous. Especially his daughter.

So she came up with a plan that she hoped would work despite how silly it seemed in her head. She informed her father that in order to be married, she had to have the exact the right outfit. And the exact right outfit was a lab coat belonging to the finest doctor in all the land.

He agreed, and she was relieved. After all, she figured, the finest doctor in all the land was not terribly likely to give up her lab coat, on account of how she’d be needing to wear it herself.

But it turned out, that Dr. Jane the Finest Doctor in the Kingdom had a spare, and was happy to help out the king. She had the coat delivered before nightfall.

So, another plan had to be worked out. This time, the princess informed her father that she would need the perfect veil before she could wed. The only veil that would do must be made of sheep’s wool, so that she and the bridegroom would match perfectly as they walked down the aisle. Her husband-to-be would be needing all his wool for the big day, she figured, and there would be none to spare for her veil.

Unfortunately, she had not specified which sheep the wool should come from, and her father simply sent someone to shear one of the other sheep. The veil was ready by nightfall the next day.

Having no other choice, the princess sadly gathered up the veil, the coat, and an old ring of her mother’s, and snuck away from the castle.

She wandered for some time, before finding herself in another castle all together, and, after covering herself with the woolly veil, she was granted a position in the castle kitchen.

The cook already there was a bitter sort, and always made disparaging remarks about the princess’ woolly exterior and funny way of laughing. The princess tried not to be bothered by it, but she wasn’t particularly used to people being mean to her, or hating her for no reason at all.

One night, she was so distracted by a comment the cook had made about her teeth, that she wasn’t paying careful attention to the soup she was preparing. Once she sent it out to the banquet hall for the banquet in honor of the prince being held that very night, she realized that her mother’s ring, which she’d been wearing, was missing. She thought back to when she had last seen it, and knew for certain that it had fallen into the soup.

Obviously, the situation had to be remedied. She needed that ring back, and didn’t love the idea of some unsuspecting banquet frequenter choking to death on it. So, as soon as she got the chance, she snuck out of the kitchen wearing her lab coat, and spent the evening lurking around the perimeter of the banquet hall.

Sure enough, when the soup was served, it was the prince himself who took a big gulp and promptly began to choke. The princess sprang into action, administering the Heimlich to the poor prince, and pocketing the slimy ring, assuring the prince she would find out where it had come from. He thanked her again and again, and begged her to stay and dance. She agreed to one dance with him, but had to run out afterward and return to the kitchen.

The very next day, unbeknownst to the princess in the kitchen, the prince began a search for Dr. Jane the Finest Doctor in the Kingdom, who had, after all, saved his life. The princess had no idea this was happening until the entire staff received an invitation to the wedding.

All the way there, and all the while they waited for the ceremony, the princess felt very sad, and she did not know why. Finally, as she played with the ring in her lap, she had a realization: It should have been her! The prince must have gone looking for the doctor because he read the name on her lab coat and tracked her down. What’s more, she realized that she wanted to marry the prince, even though she’d only met him the one time.

And so she did the only thing she could. She interrupted the wedding in a terribly dramatic way, and showed the ring to the prince as proof it had been in fact she who had saved his life. He exchanged her for the doctor on the spot, and asked that the wedding continue, but with her own name substituted for the doctor’s. And that was that.

Dr. Jane went back to her hospital, somewhat glad she hadn’t gone through with marrying someone with such a short attention span. And back in the other kingdom, the King decided to start a new career as an exotic horticulturist, and the Sheep became King. All agreed he was a wise and just ruler.

The End.

Source: Donkeyskin, Perrault

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

Melissa and the Undead

Once upon a time, there was a man who was raising a lovely little baby girl all my himself.

He vowed to do whatever it took to raise his pretty little baby, whom he called Melissa (he’d wanted to call her something poetic and reflective of her particular beauty, like Snow White or Rose Red or Grass Green or the like, but his wife had insisted on naming her something normal and practical, like Melissa, so Melissa it was). He soon realized that the best way to take care of his girl would be to take a wife, and so he did.

It worked out wonderfully at first–his new wife read the little girl stories and played games with her and brushed her pretty black hair. But as the girl got older, she got prettier still, and the stories slowly changed to horror stories, the games became hunting games, and the stepmother “accidentally” ripped out Melissa’s pretty hair more than once while while she brushed it.

Now, this stepmother also began to spend an unusual amount of time staring into the television screen in the living room. At first, her husband would simply turn on the television for her, but he eventually realized that she was using it to admire herself and he bought her a mirror. Which she never used.

But one of those days, the stepmother ventured a question. She asked the television screen, “Who’s the prettiest lady around?” and at that moment, her husband flicked a switch and the looking glass proclaimed “Melissa!”

The stepmother could hardly see, she was so angry. She yelled at Melissa for not cleaning her room and sent her to the store for some bacon. Then, she called an unscrupulous fellow of her acquaintance and told him that if he offed the girl on her way back from the store, he could keep the bacon.

But as it turns out, even some unscrupulous people who are offered bacon turn out to be uncomfortable with the idea of killing off innocent girls, so the fellow took the bacon and advised the girl to run off to the forest.

She took his advice, but soon grew weary of the whole trip, since she didn’t know anything about living on her own in the forest. As soon as she was about to give up hope, she found a little house in the middle of a sunlit clearing. She went inside, and there were seven short corpses, dressed in colonial garb (people were shorter back then, after all). She worried briefly about disturbing the final resting place of the several short men, but she really really needed a place to stay. So she did a little cleaning and hoped that would make up for her offense.

She had just tucked herself in for the night, when she heard a noise. She crept downstairs to find….

the disco ball had come down,

the corpses had gotten up,

and they were dancing.

She watched quietly as still as she could, but somehow the staircase creaked and all thirteen eyes (one had fallen out) turned to look at her. The dance party ceased and all seven slowly began to march towards her, stepping in time to the music, hands outstretched before them, groaning and moaning something about brains.

Melissa sensed danger. And she did the only thing she could think off.

She danced. She ran past the zombies out to the middle of the floor, where she discoed and twirled and robot-ed and twisted. Soon enough, the zombies joined in, and Melissa was having so much fun she didn’t even notice when she got hit in the face with a scrap of skin or slipped on some embalming fluid.

From then on, things were good for Melissa in the Zombie House.

But one day, an old woman stopped by. An old woman who looked suspiciously like her stepmother in an old woman costume. Melissa remembered that her stepmother had sent that unscrupulous fellow to off her, and used all her willpower to resist the bacon the old woman had brought. Even though she’d hardly had any good food in weeks since she couldn’t get to the grocery store (the zombies weren’t partial to much but brains and cajun dressing).

The next day, the woman showed up again earlier, and it was even harder for sleepy Melissa to refuse the three egg omelet with cheddar she’d brought along.

The next day, the woman showed up at dawn, and in a half awake state, Melissa gobbled down the waffle covered in chocolate.

Clearly, it was poisoned, and Melissa expired on the spot.

The stepmother went back home all happy, to gloat to her television about her (incorrect)  assumption that Melissa wouldn’t be living Happily Ever After.

Here’s what she didn’t know:

That night, the Zombies awoke to find their favorite new dance partner missing. Once they found her outside, they dragged her back into the house and waited for midnight.

And then the dance party began.

The End.

Source: Snow White, Brothers Grimm

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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