Stories For Everyone But You » platypus

The Alien Bridegroom

Beatrix Cottonpants — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 01:46:09 +0000

Once upon a time, a small alien spacecraft crash-landed in a field somewhere. There was only one alien inside, and he was very cross indeed when he got out and had a look at the damage, because spacecraft bumpers don’t come cheap anywhere, really, especially when they need to have cow dung cleaned off them.

However, all of this changed when he looked across the field and saw…the sheep of his dreams. Now, before this moment, he wasn’t really aware that he was attracted to sheep, or really even that sheep existed, for that matter. But as soon as he saw this particular sheep, he knew that nothing could stand in the way of their true love.

However, when he approached the lovely sheep and explained his feelings, she turned him down. She had other plans, she explained, involving the bear who was currently roaming the countryside off to the left. She knew the stories, she said, and she knew that once they were married he would come to bed and turn into a human as long as she didn’t tell anyone the secret.

The alien went away very sad, but some time later, he came back to seek out the little sheep. He was delighted to find her without the bear husband.

“He was really just a bear,” she explained. “Not a human. But I have another plan.”

It turned out that a certain salamander, she was sure was really a prince, and all she had to do was kiss him to make him hers.

So the alien wished her luck, and sadly went away again.

But when he came back, he found the sheep still on her own. No prince, and no salamander. What’s more, she seemed open to the idea of going out with the alien.

After the salamander had turned out to be a salamander, after all, she explained, and jumped away into a fire after she kissed him, she had met a funny furry creature with claws and a duck bill, and assumed he was a prince who had been turned into a strange beast. But after several months of getting to know one another, she realized he was actually just a platypus. She was done human hunting, she said. Maybe.

For a moment, the alien was filled with joy. But then he thought about how long it had taken them to get to that point, and how many other options the sheep had exhausted. Also, the fact that she couldn’t really, completely commit to giving up searching for a human husband was disconcerting.

So he went back home, and took some time for himself.

He settled into a very satisfying career as a ceramic bowl maker, and only thought of the little sheep and her strange fixations occasionally.

The End.

The Two Bears and Stuart

Beatrix Cottonpants — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 19:31:23 +0000

Once upon a time, a family of two nice bears lived in a house in the woods. It was quite a nice house, with bay windows and a foyer and well suited furniture, and the bears were quite pleased with it. They were pleased with their lives on the whole: they loved to drink tea and go for long walks, and they finally had a pet of their own: a lovely duck billed platypus named Stuart.

One day, they had taken Stuart on one of their lovely walks when something unusual happened. In an uncharacteristic bout of carelessness, the bears had left their front door unlocked, and an uninvited girl wandered in.

The girl had no idea that she was in a house that belonged to two bears. She only knew she was hungry and sort of sleepy.

So, first, she went to the refrigerator. In it, she found two servings of pot roast and mashed potatoes. She sampled the first, but it was too tough. She sampled the second, but it was too soft. On the bottom shelf, she found a casserole made of shrimp, crayfish, worms, and what appeared to be small frogs. She had a taste, and was surprised to find that it was exactly what she wanted.

She ate the whole dish.

Even more tired now, she walked into the living room, where two chairs sat in front of the hunter-skin rug. But the first was too high. The second sunk too low. Desperate for some rest, she sat down on the small cushion at the end of the rug, and found it just right.

Soon, though, the open mouthed face of the hunter staring at her began to make her uneasy, and she decided to move on. On her way out, though, she spotted the bedroom, and figured she could stay a few more minutes. She was still quite tired, after all.

But the first bed was too firm.

And the second too soft.

Finally, she climbed into the burrow carved into the side of the wall. Although at first she found it hard, she realized that with the cushion from the living room, it could be made into quite the excellent napping space. And curled up there, she did indeed fall asleep.

She woke later to the sound of growling, or maybe clucking. All she knew was that when she opened her eyes, something with a furry head and the bill of a duck.

“That’s Stuart’s bed,” someone said.

“And his cushion.” someone else said.

“And his food is gone. Did you eat our pet’s food?”

The girl looked from one bear to the another, and finally, to their duck billed platypus, Stuart.

She was very, very confused.

The End.

Source: The Three Bears, Fairy Tale. First appeared in print by Robert Southey, 1837.