perrault Posts

23Jul
0

The Handsome Cat

Once upon a time, a great man died, leaving his business, his house, and his handsome cat to his oldest, middle and youngest sons, respectively.

Now the youngest son was somewhat put out about being left nothing but a cat, even if he was quite a handsome cat, with his own fine boots and a hat with a feather in it. As he watched his brothers profit from the business and the house they had inherited, he contrived ways he might profit from the cat he had inherited.

Finally, a day came when he was sure he had something. Going outside to collect the paper one day, he nearly tripped over what he later discovered to be the headless body of a mouse. He couldn’t imagine how it had ended up there, until the cat came over and meowed, nudging the mouse in his direction.

He suddenly became aware that the cat was giving him the mouse, that it was a great and generous gift he was receiving. He thanked the cat profusely, but the cat just cleaned himself and walked away.

And this of course was not the only time it happened. The cat often left him gifts — mice and birds and rats and rabbits, and sometimes centipedes with a few legs chewed off. The youngest son appreciated and collected them all, with one very important goal in mind.

And on the fateful day the King came through town, the young man approached him and offered up the treasures his cat had caught for him, waiting to be given praise, a great castle, and the King’s lovely daughter in return.

The King immediately had security drag the young man off and rough him up a little.

The young man went home, dejected, and asked his handsome cat why things hadn’t worked out, but the cat just cleaned himself and walked away.

The End.

Source: Puss in Boots, Or, The Master Cat, Charles Perrault

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

Dusty Knickers

Once upon a time, there lived an extraordinarily dusty girl.

Now, it wasn’t entirely her fault she was so dusty. She lived with her two stepsisters, who may have been even dustier girls if she didn’t make it her personal mission in life to keep them clean. She forced them to wash up, and swept their rooms and made their beds and made sure they didn’t wear shoes in the house. As a result, she was left with little time to do these things for herself, no matter no often her lazy stepsisters insisted she leave them be and take care of her own room and bed and shoes and personal hygiene.

In time, they began to call her Dusty Knickers, as everything she wore invariably became dusty. And stayed dusty, since she was so busy doing laundry for her step sisters that she failed to do her own.

Now one day, the stepsisters received an invitation to the county cook off, the most exciting time of the year. Unfortunately, the two girls were not particularly good cooks. Even more unfortunately, they thought they were excellent cooks, because they’d never had an opportunity to give their food to anyone other than Dusty, whose tongue was so coated in dust that she couldn’t really taste anything anyway.

So the girls prepared for days, making every recipe they knew — broccoli in cheese sauce, asparagus in cheese sauce, chicken in cheese sauce, cheese in cheese sauce, and a daring new concoction — rice in cheese sauce, with bits of canned tomatoes. They were extremely pleased with themselves, so pleased that they hardly became frustrated when Dusty cleaned up all of their equipment (and spilled cheese sauce) while they were still using it.

On the day of the cookoff, they proudly presented their food to the judges, including for some reason, the prince of a nearby country that also had a prime minister, and watched them chew every bite.

But suddenly, a gust of wind blew past the girls and their stepsister, and all of their dishes were covered in dust.

The girls were distraught. but the judges were grinning.

Several days later, a proclamation went out through out the land that the prince who had been at the cook off had resolved to marry the girl who had caused the dust storm. There was also a proclamation going around about yet another prince who was looking for the owner of a lost glass slipper.

The girls realized at once that the prince would be coming in search of their dusty stepsister. Each of them desperately wanted to be the chosen bride, but they knew they’d never get her cleaned off. So they did the next best thing and locked her in a room.

For days, they lived in the sort of filth they’d unknowingly avoided for years. And it was, well, pretty disgusting.

“That prince had better get here soon,” they’d taken to grumbling. “Because I can’t take much more of this.”

Meanwhile, Dusty sat in the other room, cleaning the walls and the floor, and gathering dust.

And get there the prince did, finally, just as the girls were on the verge of taking showers.

The prince frowned when he saw them. “You are both fairly dusty. But the girl I remember was extraordinarily dusty. Could it be that my imagination has fooled me?

Yes, yes, it could be, the girls affirmed.

Just then, there was a sneeze. And another. And another, all coming from the room Dusty was locked in. The prince, being a valiant, if strange, sort, immediately strode over and pulled open the door.

They were married almost immediately.

The next day, the sisters went out looking for a glass slipper.

The End.

Source: Cinderella, Perrault.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

Diamonds and the Dog Fairy

Once upon a time, there was a widow who treated her older daughter well, and her step-daughter not so well. She would throw dishes on the floor just to make to make the girl pick them up and wash them. She would make the girl zip her into dresses that were clearly too tight. Worst of all, she would often send the girl to get water from a well miles away from the house, even though the plumbing worked just fine.

One day, when the girl was visiting the well (for the third time that week!), she saw as she approached a small, skinny dog looking wistfully at the well.

“Oh, don’t worry, little guy!” she said, for she was kind and good and all that. And she lowering her bucket into the water and set it in front of the dog so he could drink. Once he had his fill, she dipped the bucket in again.

Before her eyes, the little dog began to transform! He was not a boy dog at all! Suddenly, a fairy with a tail and a long whiskered nose was looking down at her benevolently. She tried to avert her eyes, so she wouldn’t begin laughing at the fairy. It just seemed like the sort of thing One Does Not Do.

“For your kindness, I will reward you!” The fairy proclaimed. Her tail was wagging. “Now go, and reap the benefits!”

So she went, a little confused. When she arrived home, she opened her mouth to explain to her step-mother and sister what had happened, and…

a diamond fell out of her mouth.

By the time she had made it through the whole story, there was a small pile of precious stones at her feet. Her step-mother and sister were so clearly preoccupied with the gems that the girl wasn’t sure they’d been listening at all until her step-mother said, quite clearly,

“Real daughter, go give that dog some water. NOW!”

And the daughter ran off as fast as she could.

However, there was no dog to be found when she finally arrived at the well. She looked in bushes and in trees, and all she found was a cat, and she was so annoyed she promptly kicked the cat.

Suddenly, a fairy with a tail and a long whiskered nose stood before her.

“You are unpleasant and mean,” the fairy declared. “Go home!”

The daughter stamped her foot and demanded she be rewarded as her sister had been, but the fairy simply turned back into a cat and ran up a tree.

So, she began to walk home, muttering obscenities to herself. After some time, she realized she was being followed.

More dogs than she had ever seen in one place were trailing behind her, looking at her as if she had everything they could ever want. For a moment, she thought she’d found the real gift-dog, and made ready to rush back to the well.

But then she coughed, and this time, she noticed: a dog biscuit had fallen from her mouth.

“What?” she said.

Another dog biscuit fell to the ground.

By the time she’d reached the house, there was a small army of dogs following her. She only hoped she’d be able to explain the situation to her mother.

The End.

Source: Diamonds and Toads, Charles Perrault.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

Princess/Dr. Sheep

Once upon a time, there was a king who was not quite all there, mentally speaking. The King’s family and kingdom and the castle staff were used to his eccentricities, whether they included declaring random days “Pancake Day” or swimming in the shallow fountain with his pet frog, and considered him, on the whole, harmless.

Until the day, however, that he betrothed his only daughter and heir to a sheep. Everyone waited for the king to forget about the promise, or change his mind, but as the day of the wedding drew nearer, and the king seemed sure as ever that he really did want his daughter to marry the sheep, thank you, everyone started to get very nervous. Especially his daughter.

So she came up with a plan that she hoped would work despite how silly it seemed in her head. She informed her father that in order to be married, she had to have the exact the right outfit. And the exact right outfit was a lab coat belonging to the finest doctor in all the land.

He agreed, and she was relieved. After all, she figured, the finest doctor in all the land was not terribly likely to give up her lab coat, on account of how she’d be needing to wear it herself.

But it turned out, that Dr. Jane the Finest Doctor in the Kingdom had a spare, and was happy to help out the king. She had the coat delivered before nightfall.

So, another plan had to be worked out. This time, the princess informed her father that she would need the perfect veil before she could wed. The only veil that would do must be made of sheep’s wool, so that she and the bridegroom would match perfectly as they walked down the aisle. Her husband-to-be would be needing all his wool for the big day, she figured, and there would be none to spare for her veil.

Unfortunately, she had not specified which sheep the wool should come from, and her father simply sent someone to shear one of the other sheep. The veil was ready by nightfall the next day.

Having no other choice, the princess sadly gathered up the veil, the coat, and an old ring of her mother’s, and snuck away from the castle.

She wandered for some time, before finding herself in another castle all together, and, after covering herself with the woolly veil, she was granted a position in the castle kitchen.

The cook already there was a bitter sort, and always made disparaging remarks about the princess’ woolly exterior and funny way of laughing. The princess tried not to be bothered by it, but she wasn’t particularly used to people being mean to her, or hating her for no reason at all.

One night, she was so distracted by a comment the cook had made about her teeth, that she wasn’t paying careful attention to the soup she was preparing. Once she sent it out to the banquet hall for the banquet in honor of the prince being held that very night, she realized that her mother’s ring, which she’d been wearing, was missing. She thought back to when she had last seen it, and knew for certain that it had fallen into the soup.

Obviously, the situation had to be remedied. She needed that ring back, and didn’t love the idea of some unsuspecting banquet frequenter choking to death on it. So, as soon as she got the chance, she snuck out of the kitchen wearing her lab coat, and spent the evening lurking around the perimeter of the banquet hall.

Sure enough, when the soup was served, it was the prince himself who took a big gulp and promptly began to choke. The princess sprang into action, administering the Heimlich to the poor prince, and pocketing the slimy ring, assuring the prince she would find out where it had come from. He thanked her again and again, and begged her to stay and dance. She agreed to one dance with him, but had to run out afterward and return to the kitchen.

The very next day, unbeknownst to the princess in the kitchen, the prince began a search for Dr. Jane the Finest Doctor in the Kingdom, who had, after all, saved his life. The princess had no idea this was happening until the entire staff received an invitation to the wedding.

All the way there, and all the while they waited for the ceremony, the princess felt very sad, and she did not know why. Finally, as she played with the ring in her lap, she had a realization: It should have been her! The prince must have gone looking for the doctor because he read the name on her lab coat and tracked her down. What’s more, she realized that she wanted to marry the prince, even though she’d only met him the one time.

And so she did the only thing she could. She interrupted the wedding in a terribly dramatic way, and showed the ring to the prince as proof it had been in fact she who had saved his life. He exchanged her for the doctor on the spot, and asked that the wedding continue, but with her own name substituted for the doctor’s. And that was that.

Dr. Jane went back to her hospital, somewhat glad she hadn’t gone through with marrying someone with such a short attention span. And back in the other kingdom, the King decided to start a new career as an exotic horticulturist, and the Sheep became King. All agreed he was a wise and just ruler.

The End.

Source: Donkeyskin, Perrault

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

Hamsters On His Head

Once upon a time, there was a man who was charming, smart, and not terribly ugly. However, he also went about town with two hamsters perched upon his head, and eventually, he began to realize that the rodents probably had something to do with his inability to find a wife.

“Girls find them scary,” one informed him. “Look, they’re fighting up there right now.”

And indeed they were.

Finally, he met another girl who was able to look past his strange headwear, and married him. After they’d only been married a few weeks, he was informed he needed to go away for some time, since he had one of those mysterious jobs which sometimes requires going away for long periods of time without letting anyone else in on exactly what it is you are doing.

Before he left, he gave her all his keys and numberpad passwords — “Here’s for the security system, the front door, the balcony, the back door, the closet of tiny clothes, the speakers, the poolhouse, the pool, the greenhouse (with a switchblade in case that Man Eating Plant acts up), the oven and the robot butler. Oh, and here is the only one you are not to use. It opens that closet there.”

Of course, as soon as her husband had left, his wife immediately went to the mysterious closet.

Inside, hundreds of cages were stacked one on top of the other, all filled with hamsters. Teddy bear hamsters, Chinese hamsters, Winter white hamsters, Campbells, and tiny little Roborovski hamsters. They were fighting and playing and eating and drinking, and of course, pooping, which they obviously did quite a lot of, since the closet floor was coated in hamster droppings.

The wife was so surprised, she dropped the key onto the floor, and when she picked it up, it was all covered in excrement. What terrible condition for hamsters to live in! She made a few phone calls, and soon all the hamsters were on their way to new homes, save a few, whose cages she cleaned. That mess must be why the hamsters keep ending up on his head, she reasoned. They have no where else to go.

Just as she was finishing up, her phone rang. The caller was her husband, informing her that he was on his way back, since those good-for-nothings didn’t need him after all and didn’t have the decency to tell him before he left.

She panicked then, not sure how to explain to her husband what she had done. Perhaps, if he didn’t notice anything was different, she thought, she’d have more time to figure out how to tell him. She closed the door behind her and frantically tried to clean the key. However, it was full of tiny crevices and as hard as she tried, she couldn’t quite get all the residue out.

She tried hiding it at first, claiming to have left it another room when her husband asked for it. Eventually, she gave it back, and tried lying, claiming she didn’t know how it had gotten that way.

But he didn’t believe her. “You opened it!” he said. “You opened the one door I told you not to open!” And he rushed over to the closet to find all the hamsters gone, save one or two in newly cleaned cages.

But if she’d expected him to be thankful, ultimately, she was very mistaken. Instead, he only became angrier.

“Well, now you’ll have to die,” he said, and started to advance toward her with the little switchblade.

“What! Why?” Being killed over the hamsters was certainly not what she was expecting.

“You let them go! I’m ruined now! Why do you think I have these hamsters perched on my head?” He slowly lifted the hamsters to reveal…

a bald spot.”Now everyone will know! And it’s all your fault!”

But as he swung the tiny knife, one of the hamsters still perched on his head ran up his arm to his palm and bit him hard between the fingers. Taking the opportunity, his soon to be ex-wife grabbed the few remaining hamsters and ran for the door.

The End.

Source: Bluebeard, Charles Perrault.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

The Banana Princess, Part Two

Once upon a time there was a handsome prince, the very same handsome prince who had traveled over the mountain in search of the famed Banana Princess, and had in fact won her hand in marriage.

However, after the wedding, he did not proclaim the news across the kingdom. Here’s why:

Although his father was a nice enough fellow, his mother was a shark. Literally, a shark. She lived in a tank outside their palace. The prince never fully understood how his father had come to marry a shark, (except that it had something to do with money and some suspect pictures), or, indeed, how their union had produced himself, the prince.

In any event, the Queen the shark was nearly always hungry, and the prince had noticed a gleam in her eyes whenever lovely young women or little children walked by. So he resolved to never let her know about his wife or the children they were sure to have.

Until, years later, when his father the King died in battle. Now in possession of the kingdom, the prince was blessed with an unfounded sense of security, and told everyone about his family. He was called into battle himself soon after, and arranged to have his Queen and their children (called, in a rather confusing way, Horse and Pony) moved into the palace so his mother could keep an eye on them from her tank.

The very day he left, Horse visited her grandmother in her tank. She ran around the edges for some time before tripping over a strategically placed bottle of ketchup and falling into the tank.

When she did not return that evening, Pony went out to look for her. When he could not find her outside, he crawled up the side of the tank to ask his grandmother if she had seen his sister. However, before he could even get the words out, he tripped over some lemon wedges and fell into the tank himself.

Now, the Queen the shark knew it would only be a matter of time before the children’s mother came looking for them. But she couldn’t wait. What had the two children been but an appetizer? She’d hardly had to chew either of them.

So she sent her favorite clerk into the palace, with orders to kill the new Queen and bring her to the tank. When he returned with a plate of cooked venison, she was almost fooled. Until she heard the new Queen’s great honking laugh from inside the palace. She demanded the Queen be brought before her, and almost immediately, it was so. The girl crawled up to the top of the tank ,precariously balanced next to the caramel she’d set aside for the occasion.

She took a step towards it and then…cartwheeled over the mess and onto the other side. The trap had been foiled! To make matters worse, she then flung her long hair into the tank, and lassoed the Queen’s body. Immediately, the shark felt herself retch and up came the two little children! They were dazed and smelled of ketchup, lemons, and fish, but otherwise looking quite well off.

When the King returned, he was rather sad to hear of the stomach troubles his mother was experiencing, as a result of having her snacks lassoed out of her, but did think she’d sort of brought it on herself.

The End.

Source: Sleeping Beauty, Charles Perrault

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

The Banana Princess, Part One

Once upon a time, a couple who had been waiting a long long time to have a baby finally had one. She was the prettiest baby they’d ever seen, and they immediately arranged to have a great big party for her baptism.

Everyone from their town came, plus everyone from the next town over, and even some people from the next two or three towns after that. All the fairies were invited, too. All except one.

The Bad Fairy waited alone on the hilltop near their home, but she never received an invitation.

Back at the party, the fairies took turns blessing the baby girl with the best gifts they could offer. One fairy gave her the ability to run faster than a speeding bullet.  Another fairy blessed her with great strength. Finally, a third fairy, and the most powerful of all of them, allowed her to fly.

No, wait. That’s Superman.

These are the gifts she truly received:

A great honking laugh.

The ability to turn excellent cartwheels.

Long lovely hair she could tie in a knot and use as a lasso.

But just as the fairies were finishing their gifts, The Bad Fairy stormed in. The room fell silent, and everyone listened as she cursed the little girl.

“On her 16th birthday,” she promised, “she will slip on a banana peel and die.”

The whole room was in a state of utter fretfulness when she left. The girl’s mother and father implored the head fairy to take it back, to fix it.

Unfortunately, she could not. However, she was able to alter the terms of the curse. The girl would not die when she slipped: she would simply fall asleep.

The very next day, her father banned all bananas in the town, and the next town over, and even one or two towns after that. No one was to eat a banana, open a banana, carry a banana. It would be a banana free kingdom.

Of course, this plan did not turn out quite as he had hoped. Since he banned bananas so long before the appointed time, the girl never saw a banana. Also, over the next sixteen years, the townspeople began to grow lax in following the banana laws. Banana peels could occasionally be found behind abandoned buildings. Murmurs of “peeling” at night were heard in some corners.

So when one day, the little girl found herself face to face with a woman holding a banana, all she could say was,

“What is that?”

The woman offered her a try. However, banana peels littered the path between them, and the girl slipped on the very first one she stepped on.

She immediately fell asleep, and so did her parents and all the members of their household.

And they stayed that way for over 100 years, with vines enveloping their home.

Stories began to be told about the vine covered house. Some said a witch lived there. Some said the house was under a terrible curse, and some said it had been abandoned by a family of bandits. Some said it was full of ornery zombies. But some said it was the home of a beautiful girl who slept with a banana peel over her face.

This last story was the one the Prince of the kingdom over the mountain heard, and he made it his life’s goal to find the house and the Banana Princess within it, even though others tried to warn him that nothing good could come of looking for the house, and maybe he should just go to law school.

But he kept on his search, and one day found the vine covered house. He cut through the vines with his sword and found within a scary sight: all the members of the household had been frozen in time and place, doing whatever it was they were doing when the curse struck. One especially portly man was still sitting on the toilet. The prince shuddered, but he thought of the girl and pressed on, finally finding her sleeping within, a banana peel lying across her face. He picked it up, and she opened her eyes. All around him, the people of the house began to awaken and stretch.

The End…for now.

Source: The Sleeping Beauty, Charles Perrault

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

Little Someone-Or-Other In The Pinstriped Fedora

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who was affectionately called Little Someone Or Other. She didn’t much like the nickname, but it was a vast improvement on Little Red Riding Hood, the name she’d gotten for one time wearing a red cape she’d certainly never go riding in. Since then, she’d worn a different hat every day, and her family and neighbors and adjusted their affectionate name-calling accordingly.

Now one day, she donned her hat (that day, a black pinstriped fedora) and matching blazer, all prepared to visit her grandmother. She carried with her a basket full of things her grandmother had specifically requested.

It was a nice day, even in the dark and scary woods, and she stopped more than once to look for interesting coins and things that people had dropped on the ground. Her grandmother always liked to see her collections. The second time, she was interrupted by a wolf, who had strolled right up to her and asked how she was enjoying the beautiful day. As if she wouldn’t realize that a talking wolf, walking on two legs and wearing a top hat,  was not a normal thing at all! But she was polite, so she upheld her end of the conversation, and agreed to show the wolf the things she was bringing along.

“No food! But whatever will your poor grandmother eat?” He exclaimed, upon hearing her inventory. “You know, I myself am a fantastic cook. Everyone in the forest thinks my chicken cacciatore is to die for! Why don’t I come along with you?” Little Someone Or Other pretended to think on it, but she knew that that would never do. Everyone knew wolves where only after one thing, and that was grandmothers to eat.

“Perhaps,” she said, still pretending to consider it. “Only I should look again. Maybe I did bring some food after all. Can you take this?” So she handed him one of the items– a glossy gossip magazine. As soon as she was sure he was completely engrossed in Brad and Angelina’s new baby plans, she hurried away.

Only a few moments later, however, the wolf caught up to her. “I didn’t see you go!” he said, handing her back the magazine. “Now, about that meal…”

“Only you’ll need supplies!” she replied, thinking quickly. She pulled out her collection of interesting coins and things from her basket, and handed them to the wolf. “Here, take this and buy some groceries. I’ll meet you right here.”

Once she could no longer see the wolf, she hurried away again. This time, she was nearly all the way to her grandmother’s house before she realized…the grocery store was on the way there! Indeed, the wolf was walking out, arms full of vegetables and spices and raw chicken cutlets, as she passed by.

“Lucky we met here!” The wolf cried when he saw her. “I may need to put some of this in your basket after all.” She allowed him to put away some of the spices and the smaller vegetables while she thought about what to do next.

“Oh!” she finally cried. “I have forgotten, I was meant to bring milk!”

“Milk?”

“Milk. Only, I do not want my grandmother to worry. Why don’t you go ahead to tell her I am coming, and I will meet you there.”

“Of course!” the wolf replied. “I will have the meal ready once you get there.”

I bet you will, the girl thought, and she wrote down a made up address on her last item, a yellow legal pad her grandmother had wanted for making lists.

Once the wolf was on his way, the girl hurried off for the last time. Even though she’d sent him in the wrong direction, she didn’t want him finding her grandmother by accident. She ran all the way, carrying the heavy basket, and so was quite out of breath when she finally arrived at her grandmother’s door.

“Oh, Little Someone Or Other!” her grandmother cried. She was sitting at the table, eating out of a tupperware container. “You must run up the hill to Ms. Whatsit’s home. There is a handsome wolf there making chicken cacciatore for her, and she’s sharing! Hurry and get some–it’s to die for!”

The End.

Source: Little Red Riding Hood, The Brothers Grimm

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , ,