houses Posts

13Sep
0

Peter in the Squash

Once upon a time, a man named Peter genetically engineered a pumpkin about the size of a house. At least, it was about the size of his house, which was about as large as a shed.

You see, he had lately been having more fights than usual with his wife — over the remote control, or whose turn it was to cook, or who should be responsible for cleaning up after the three toed sloth who lived just outside their house.

The solution, Peter decided, was that he and his wife should live in separate spaces. However, Peter didn’t have the money for another house, and so he genetically engineered a pumpkin.

His wife was less than excited when she came home from work to find that all her things, along with a cot and an icebox, had been moved into a giant pumpkin. But live in it she did, and she didn’t say a word to Peter.

Sometimes, he could faintly hear her on the phone, or walking from one side of the pumpkin to the other. But for the most part, they never really saw each other, and Peter had never been happier.

However, he was not at all happy when he came home and saw a bulldozer demolishing his home. When all the dust cleared, one thing was left: a slightly larger than average squash, with a hole cut into it for a door.

The End.

Source: Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, Nursery Rhyme.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Nursery Rhymes and tagged with , , , , , , , , , ,
30Aug
0

The Tiniest Kitten Wins

Once upon a time, a wicked man had seven kittens. There were more kittens then he could feed, so he made the rash decision of taking them out into the woods and letting them fend for themselves.

But later the very night he managed to do so, all seven kittens appeared in the windows,meowing and flicking their tails. Kittens, of course, are naturally good at finding their way home again.

The next time, the man made sure to take the kittens out during the day, when they were naturally more sleepy.

And so the kittens woke up later that night without any idea where they were, and most began to panic and fret. But the tiniest kitten told them to shut up, and promised he would rescue them. First, he demanded the other kittens bring him a glass of water, and a nice Hat, with a pretty design on it. Once that had been accomplished, he led them on a long winding trail through the woods, until they reached a cabin.

The tiniest kitten walked up first, and looked through the window until he was certain only a friendly looking woman was inside. Then he mewled at the door in his tiniest voice, until she got up and opened the door.

“Now!” he called, and all of the other kittens ran into the house through the friendly woman’s feet, and hid behind or between various pieces of furniture.

She grumbled quite a lot over the next few hours, but still left some cat food out before she went to sleep.

But the next morning, there was a stomping, and a thumping, and a grumbling that went through the entire house, and the tiniest kitten could just about see a giant bird stomp into the room, and demand a meal of kittens from his mother.

You see, the friendly woman had not mentioned that she had a son who happened to be a giant bird, nor that he enjoyed the taste of kittens above all other foods.

So the tiniest kitten gave the signal, and the kittens dashed through the door again. Some ran very fast, and some hid in trees and bushes and discarded shoes, and some weaved between the giant bird’s feet.

Now, before the giant bird had begun to chase the kittens, he made sure to put on his magical boots, which helped him run very fast indeed, but also made his long spindly legs move in a funny way.

So he sort of pranced along after the kittens, until they reached the woods.

In the woods, things changed.

Birds are the natural prey of kittens, and in the woods, they began to stalk the large bird, pouncing on his boots and saying mean things about his appearance, until the bird was reduced to a weeping mess, and the kittens had his magical boots.

It was decided that the tiniest kitten deserved the wonderful boots most of all, and he sold them on ebay for so much money he was able to buy himself and the other kittens a mansion in the mountains.  They never heard from the giant bird, or his sneaky mother, again.

The End.

Source: Tom Thumb, Brothers Grimm

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
21Jun
2

With a Big Fluffy Tail and Pointy Fangs

Once upon a time there was a Secret Queen who was married to a King who had a head like a llama. They lived in a little house with the King’s sister, who was a dog with the head of a llama, and the Queen’s brother, a kangaroo with the head of a llama and a big fluffy tail, like a squirrel. The King and Queen were very happy together in their little house, and their siblings enjoyed chasing each other around the trees.

They were even happier when the Queen had a baby girl, especially since the baby did not have the head of a llama. However, word somehow got back to the Queen’s Stepmother that her two stepchildren, who had run away from her some time ago, were still alive and happy. She resolved to make herself an important part of their lives again.

Now, here is a secret: the stepmother was a vampire. She had been a young vampire when the two children were left to her to raise, and the constant effort to not eat them made her rather cranky. Hence the bullying. But since that time, she had gotten more used to being a vampire, and had even sired herself a sullen little daughter.

So she packed up some things, and one night she and her daughter traveled to the little house where the King and Queen lived with their furry siblings. She surprised her stepdaughter in the bath one night, and maybe accidentally bit her a little. But she was able to begin the process to turn her into a vampire, so she didn’t, you know, die. In the meantime, though, she didn’t want anyone to realize what she had done, so she glamored her own daughter up a little and told her to fill in for the queen.

This plan worked for a little while, even though the “Queen” was suddenly cranky and ate all her food rare. Things really started to fall apart, though, when the stepmother began to hear the real Queen from underneath the floorboards, and the King began asking questions.

“Mice,” she said the first time.

“Big mice,” she said the second time.

“Undead mice,” she said the third time.

And that answer might have satisfied the king if the floor hadn’t opened at that very moment, and the true Queen emerged and grabbed her baby. She explained to the others what her stepmother had done. After subtly removing the baby from the Queen’s arms, the King called his sister and brother-in-law and asked them to take care of their visitors.

And so the stepmother and her daughter were thrown into the stream out back. Since they were undead, however, their transformation took so much of the stream’s magic that it dried up completely, and when it did, the King, his sister, and the Queen’s brother were also transformed, back to almost normal. The Stepmother and her daughter, on the other hand, became llamas, albeit llamas with pointy fangs, and they too lived happily ever after in the little house next to the dried up stream.

The End.

Source: Brother and Sister, Brothers Grimm

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

Dusty Knickers

Once upon a time, there lived an extraordinarily dusty girl.

Now, it wasn’t entirely her fault she was so dusty. She lived with her two stepsisters, who may have been even dustier girls if she didn’t make it her personal mission in life to keep them clean. She forced them to wash up, and swept their rooms and made their beds and made sure they didn’t wear shoes in the house. As a result, she was left with little time to do these things for herself, no matter no often her lazy stepsisters insisted she leave them be and take care of her own room and bed and shoes and personal hygiene.

In time, they began to call her Dusty Knickers, as everything she wore invariably became dusty. And stayed dusty, since she was so busy doing laundry for her step sisters that she failed to do her own.

Now one day, the stepsisters received an invitation to the county cook off, the most exciting time of the year. Unfortunately, the two girls were not particularly good cooks. Even more unfortunately, they thought they were excellent cooks, because they’d never had an opportunity to give their food to anyone other than Dusty, whose tongue was so coated in dust that she couldn’t really taste anything anyway.

So the girls prepared for days, making every recipe they knew — broccoli in cheese sauce, asparagus in cheese sauce, chicken in cheese sauce, cheese in cheese sauce, and a daring new concoction — rice in cheese sauce, with bits of canned tomatoes. They were extremely pleased with themselves, so pleased that they hardly became frustrated when Dusty cleaned up all of their equipment (and spilled cheese sauce) while they were still using it.

On the day of the cookoff, they proudly presented their food to the judges, including for some reason, the prince of a nearby country that also had a prime minister, and watched them chew every bite.

But suddenly, a gust of wind blew past the girls and their stepsister, and all of their dishes were covered in dust.

The girls were distraught. but the judges were grinning.

Several days later, a proclamation went out through out the land that the prince who had been at the cook off had resolved to marry the girl who had caused the dust storm. There was also a proclamation going around about yet another prince who was looking for the owner of a lost glass slipper.

The girls realized at once that the prince would be coming in search of their dusty stepsister. Each of them desperately wanted to be the chosen bride, but they knew they’d never get her cleaned off. So they did the next best thing and locked her in a room.

For days, they lived in the sort of filth they’d unknowingly avoided for years. And it was, well, pretty disgusting.

“That prince had better get here soon,” they’d taken to grumbling. “Because I can’t take much more of this.”

Meanwhile, Dusty sat in the other room, cleaning the walls and the floor, and gathering dust.

And get there the prince did, finally, just as the girls were on the verge of taking showers.

The prince frowned when he saw them. “You are both fairly dusty. But the girl I remember was extraordinarily dusty. Could it be that my imagination has fooled me?

Yes, yes, it could be, the girls affirmed.

Just then, there was a sneeze. And another. And another, all coming from the room Dusty was locked in. The prince, being a valiant, if strange, sort, immediately strode over and pulled open the door.

They were married almost immediately.

The next day, the sisters went out looking for a glass slipper.

The End.

Source: Cinderella, Perrault.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

The Boggart, or the Mystery of the Cricket

Once upon a time there was a family, that is, a man, a woman, and their wee little son. They lived in a smallish house in a nice neighborhood far away from the noise and bustle of the city, and that was just how they liked it.

There was only one problem. The little house was haunted by a boggart.

Now, the man had never seen the boggart. The woman had never seen the boggart. But they were absolutely sure this was only true because the boggart took great pains to hide himself away. They knew he was there anyway.

Like, one time, their wee little son saw a giant shadow on his wall, with many legs and long thin things sticking out of its little head. Or another time, he’d complained of tiredness because he’d been up all night listening to something hum just inside his bedroom. Bits of food disappeared from his little table, and sometimes they’d find remnants of what appeared to be a tiny tea party.

One time, he’d complained, saying “Bogger” and pointing at the wall behind his mother. Just as she’d turned to look, a clock had fallen off the wall for no reason whatsoever. After that, she cleaned the wee little boy up (there were some boogers on his fingers, as he was prone to picking his wee little nose), and immediately told her husband they needed to move.

He prepared, but without much effort. You see, this man understood boggarts. He knew that he would spend a good deal of time packing and cleaning and buying and getting ready and such, until the final day, when he let his neighbors know he was going. At that point, he was sure the boggart would announce its intention of coming along.

You can imagine his surprise when nothing happened.

He and his family rode off one morning with no interruptions or bother. The little boy never complained of the boggart again.

And, back in their old house, a cricket crawled into a patch of sunlight on the floor and curled up to take a nap.

When the man returned the next week to pick up the rest of his family’s belongings, he found his house redecorated, with lovely pictures of crickets all over the wall. He never did find out why.

The End.

Source: The Boggart, English folktale

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Folktales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

Hansel and Gretel, Creepiest Twins Ever

Once upon a time, there were a brother and sister called Hansel and Gretel. Hansel and Gretel were more than just a brother and sister…they were twins (you thought I was going to something else, didn’t you? For shame.). In fact, they were as close as twins who are not identical could be. They dressed alike. They finished each other’ s sentences, that is, when they weren’t speaking in unison. They referred to each other as “Brother, dear!” and “Sister, mine”. It was really sort of eerie.

Now, Hansel and Gretel lived with their father and stepmother in a small cottage they were quickly outgrowing. One night, unbeknown to the twins, their parents had a conversation. The conversation was regarding Hansel and Gretel themselves, and how they were becoming too large to live in the house, and how a new house could not be afforded and well, the kids would have to be off on their own way. And okay, maybe there were arrangements that could be made, but the fact of the matter was that besides being too large for their little beds, they were creepy and annoying.

The twins heard none of that conversation. What they did overhear, however, was the conversation their parents had the very next night, the one where they agreed to go for a drive the next day, kick the kids out of the car, and abandon them. And so, when they were told the next day that they were going on a road trip, they smiled and said nothing. When their father pretended to be lost, they fretted and said nothing. And when they were asked to get out of the car and look for directions, they complied and said nothing.

Once they were out of the car, however, Hansel explained to his sister that the whole time, he’d been dropping crumbs from the window, to make a trail they could follow back. Gretel exclaimed that she, too, had done the same thing, and that with two trails to follow, they’d certainly make it home again.

Except…when they reached the road, they were greeted with a terrible sight. There were no crumbs! In the distance, they could make out shapes on the road and soon discovered a veritable trail of dead birds. Oh! The poor things must have stopped to eat the crumbs, and been killed for their troubles. The most unfortunate thing, however, was that many of the birds had obviously made off with their food, so there was not even a trail of dead birds to follow home.

Hansel and Gretel wandered for some time, lost and hungry. One day, though, they stumbled upon something amazing. A house made of candy! Even though neither was fond of candy (they preferred beefy jerky and salted crackers), they attacked the house like children who had not eaten in several hours.

They were soon interrupted, however, by the owner of the house herself. She came out, waving a large candy cane, and shouting obscenities, crying that it was never okay to eat another person’s house, no matter how hungry one was, and did they know how much work it took to build a house of candy, much less maintain it? She had just about chased the twins off her sugar glazed property when she stopped, and spoke softly, saying that maybe they could come in after all.

She gave them proper food and water, and then made this deal: In exchange for repairing the damage they had done, Hansel and Gretel could live at the house and have three meals a day. They stayed with the old woman for quite some time, since, as she had told them, it was quite a lot of work to build a candy house.

But after a while, Gretel started to notice something odd. The more they worked, the more Hansel ate, sampling shingles and tasting tiles. Gretel, however, had no appetite for sweets. Something was very wrong! She and Hansel had never differed in opinion on such a matter. She began to suspect that Hansel was under a spell, and that the witch (for she had determined that the woman must be a witch) meant Hansel some terrible harm.

Her suspicions were confirmed the very next day, when the old woman asked Hansel to remove some chocolate she was cooking in her oven. Hansel approached the huge stove, plump from all the candy he had been eating, when Gretel realized…she meant to eat him! That was her plan all along! Without thinking, Gretel shoved the old woman, and she fell screaming into the oven.

That night, Hansel and Gretel enjoyed a meal of salted witch carcass and crackers, and they lived happily ever after, in the eeriest way possible.

The End.

Source: Hansel and Gretel, Brothers Grimm

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , ,