hans christian andersen Posts

The Snow Bunny, Concluded

Once upon a time, a wicked rabbit, saddened by the loss of his racist mirror, recruited a boy named Kay to join his attempt at world domination. However, his army of robot rabbits was discovered by Kay’s friend Gerda, a robber girl, and a princess.

Although they did not know it, Kay and Gerda had actually been reunited in the dungeon where the robot rabbits were kept. While the Snow Rabbit showed Kay his masterpiece, Gerda and her friends, who had sneaked in through an open window, waited in a rafter above the room. She thought she could see Kay walking between the rows of robot rabbits, but he was so far away. Also, he was wearing rabbit ears and a fuzzy tail.

“Now!” she cried, giving the signal. Just as they had discussed, all three girls grabbed a chain hanging from the ceiling and swung down to the floor below. But they were interrupted by the robots, who began firing lasers wildly in every direction. Kay and the Snow Rabbit jumped to the floor, and the girls fell to the ground in a heap. Meanwhile, quite a few lasers broke through the dungeon walls, and when the intoxicating scent of bacon wafted by, the robots all began to file out into the world. By the time everyone inside stood up again, the robots were gone.

For a long time, they just stared at each other.

Then they screamed at each other.

Then they decided to follow the robots. However, the robots had a substantial lead, and by the time the Snow Rabbit and the kids found them, it was too late. The rabbits had found a new master.

Standing before the sea of robots was a donkey. “Don’t steal all the bacon!” the donkey said. “Instead, we will give it back.”

And one by one, the robots rabbits turned down their ears and turned off their lasers.

At that point, the Snow Rabbit knew he had lost them, just like he had lost his mirror.

“How about pizza?” he asked, and he, Kay, Gerda, and the girls walked off into the snow.

The End.

Source: The Snow Queen, Hans Christian Andersen.

The Snow Bunny, Ctd.

Once upon a time, a wicked rabbit broke his racist mirror and persuaded a boy named Kay to help him take over the world with an army of robot rabbits.

Kay’s disappearance did not sit well with his good friend, Gerda.

Back at home, Gerda  wished that Kay were dead. The sparrows, the swans, and even one squirrel (but not the others) told her she was being unreasonable, but she persisted in wishing upon her friend a number of gory ends.

After a while, she got tired of sitting around and wishing and decided to set off in search of Kay. She left that very night, and it was not because of what the sparrows and the swans and the squirrel might say, no matter what you think. Though it is worth noting that they were asleep when she left.

Of course, night is not really the best time for a little girl to travel, and she was soon beset upon by robbers. Luckily she did not have much of value on her to steal, and even more luckily, one of the few things she did have on her person was a samurai sword. She quickly dispatched the robbers, and was surprised to hear someone clapping behind her.

Behind her stood another girl, dressed like the robbers, who held her own samurai sword. Before Gerda knew it, she was engaged in a very close match, but just as she was sure her very life was about to flash before her eyes, the girl stopped. And laughed. She explained then that while she had enjoyed the fight, she had never really intended to kill gerda. Then she asked if she could join her on her quest.

Gerda agreed, and they set off together

She told the robber girl about Kay, and the other girl, to her relief, did not suggest she refrain from killing him. They traveled together quite peacefully after that, until they came to a beautiful palace. Inside, they were told, was a princess about their same age.

So they went to visit the princess and spent some time talking to her and combing her hair. The princess had only brothers, so she was glad of the female company, even if Gerda and the robber girl were not particularly pleasant. However, it also seemed as though the little princess had a secret, and the third time she excused herself from their teatime, the girls followed her down to the dungeon, where they found her tending to a robotic rabbit with red glowing eyes.

“We must have that!” the robber girl decided, and Gerda agreed.

So they demanded the rabbit, and the princess refused and began to cry. They argued until they realized the rabbit had gone, and they put aside their differences to follow it together. The journey was long and unpleasant, but they finally trackexd thr rabbit to another dungeon.

And in that dungeon were dozens of robot rabbits, all with glowing red eyes.

The End. For now…

Source: The Snow Queen, Hans Christian Andersen.

The Snow Bunny

Once upon a time, a rather nasty little rabbit broke a mirror. Now, our rabbit was superstitious as well as nasty, so naturally, he became quite worried about what seven years of bad luck might bring. So naturally, he did the nastiest thing he could, and threw the broken shards of mirror from a high place, so that some went into plants or lakes, or even into people.

And of course, this was no ordinary mirror. It was a racist mirror.

When the mirror broke and shards were scattered all about, people began to feel terrible and mean and no one could figure out why.
Which is how the fight between Gerda and Kay got started.

They were having a perfectly nice time throwing vegetables at passing cars when suddenly they both began to feel mean and uncomfortable. They started fighting over nothing things, and finally, Gerda gave up on their game and went home. Which makes what Kay did later more understandable if not excuseable. He was, after all, very bored.

That night, a white rabbit with red eyes appeared just outside his window.

“Are you like a snow bunny?” Kay asked, for the rabbit was indeed hopping around in the snow, in a very menacing way.

“I am the great snow rabbit!” He said, and spat on the ground. “I am very powerful, very wicked. And great”

Once that was settled, the rabbit inquired whether Kay wanted to participate in devious and evil acts. Kay agreed readily, and after some time tripping people inthe street and stealing candy from the weaker looking children, the snow rabbit revealed to Kay his terrible plan. You see, the rabbit had been very saddened by the loss of his racist mirror, and he had begun a project to distract himself.

Down in the snow rabbit’s basement, Kay found, were one hundred rabbit robots with metal fangs and red lasers for eyes.
Kay saw immediately what he was doing.

“But once you have taken over the world and claimed all the Bacon for yourself,” he asked, ” what will you do?”

” Oh, you will see,” the snow rabbit promised, and he rubbed his paws together in a menacing way. “You will see.”

The End. For now…

Source: The Snow Queen, Hans Christian Andersen.

The Little Toy Rabbit

Once upon a time, there was a very special rabbit. He was bright red and made of plastic, with wheels beneath his feet and long string, for pulling, attached to his head.

But the very special rabbit had a secret.

More than anything else, the toy rabbit wanted to be a toy spider. You see, the rabbit lived in a room with two little girls and several other toys. The most popular toy around was the plastic spider. The spider was many different colors. The spider also had wheels and a string for pulling.

One day, the rabbit heard whispers coming from something nearby. Then, the stuffed bear next to him cleared his throat, and told the rabbit quite loudly that there was someone in the closet who could make any wish come true. Any wish at all.

However, there was one serious problem. The closet in question was all the way on the other side of the room. Without the help of having the string pulled, the rabbit could only keep up a very slow pace. And of course, the children who could pull the string were busy with the toy spider.

It took days, but the toy rabbit made it, and entered the closet. The darkness enveloped him as the door closed. Above him, he could feel the draft of heavy clothes swinging, and the smell of moth balls hurt his nose. But deeper into the closet he ventured, until he reached the shadowy figure sitting against the wall all the way in the back.

“Why have you come here?” The voice was ancient, authoritative. The rabbit was nervous, but he explained his desire.

” I see,” said the voice. Then there was a cough, and a cloud of dust. The shadowy figure began to move into the light, and the rabbit found himself facing a relatively tall stuffed elephant.

“Let’s see,” the elephant said, rather cheerfully. His voice had become much higher since the cough. “Take two of these and see me in the morning.”

The rabbit spent much of the night just outside the closet. He tried to sleep after taking the tablets the elephant had given him, but they burned going down. By the middle of the night, he felt like his plastic was melting.

He returned the next morning fully intending to tell off the elephant for whatever crock he’d fed him, but when he arrived at the back of the closet, the elephant just grinned and held up a mirror.

The rabbit had eight legs. He remained a red plastic rabbit on top, but underneath, eight bright red legs had grown, all with wheels at the end.

“There’s still some work to do,” the elephant admitted, “but you’re coming along nicely.”

This time, the rabbit made his way proudly to the other side of the room. He couldn’t wait for the children to see what he was becoming.

But something was wrong. He noticed it immediately — the ever popular spider was still sitting on the toy box, looking as if he hadn’t been touched all day. A shrill noise broke the silence, and the rabbit looked over at its source.

The children were fussing over a new plastic puppy. It had no wheels. It had no string for pulling. But it barked, and moved its head from left to right.

The rabbit didn’t know what else to do, so he slowly made his way back to the closet.

“Why, that’s easy,” the elephant said, after the rabbit had explained the problem. “You just have to kill the kids.”

The elephant offered no explanation, just grinned and slunk back into the shadows.

For a moment, the rabbit was very conflicted. How could he kill the very children whose attention he so needed? Did they really deserve it?

But then, the rabbit had a revelation.

The spider had been easily replaced by a puppy. He could be unpopular as a rabbit just as easily as a spider.

And then, the rabbit had a second revelation.

He was still made of plastic. And the elephant was plush.

So he rolled into the elephant’s side and grabbed a few tablets.

That night, he fell asleep with a burning feeling in his stomach, waiting for his legs to become wheels.

The End.

Source: The Little Mermaid, Hans Christian Andersen.

The Emperor’s Serious New Cat

Once upon a time, in the Land of Make Believe, there lived an emperor who was very serious indeed. He wore plain clothes, drank his tea black, and did not stand for any degree of silliness. His kingdom, of course, was also very serious and orderly. There was no silliness of any sort to be found anywhere: no games, no festivals, no jokes, no holidays, and certainly no silly pictures of animals.

The emperor maintained his serious kingdom by only allowing serious subjects to live in his realm–hardworking people who went home to read the paper and sit absorbed in thought, and, by running every decision by his advisers, who made sure he was choosing only the most serious of paths.

Now, one day, the emperor decided he needed a pet. Something serious that would sit quietly by him and serve as an example to all the other pets of the realm. He made his requests known, and within days, offers of pets were making their way to him from all over the world.

After sending away drooling dogs and colorful birds and frisky ferrets, the emperor finally decided on a nice brown cat. He remembered what he had once learned about Egyptian pharaohs being rather partial to cats, and since Egyptian pharaohs struck him as serious folks indeed, he felt confident in his decision. In fact, he grew so fond of the cat, his advisers became nervous and unwilling to tell him…

the cat was, in fact, a little bit silly.

Sure, she sat still, looking like a furry statue for hours. But she would also trap little bugs and leave them at the emperor’s feet. Or chase the drapes as if they might escape. Or peer out from behind the furniture and then quickly dart away when someone spied her.

But the advisers knew the emperor would hear none of it, and so they prepared a home for the cat and made ready for her debut in the kingdom: a solemn sort of parade, in which the emperor, in his most serious suit, would walk through the kingdom with the cat following behind him.

The day of the parade was a partially cloudy one, and all was at its most serious, indeed, until…

“Meow!” A string had come unraveled from the emperor’s suit, and the little cat immediately pounced upon, hitting it with her little paws and trying to catch it in her mouth.

For a moment, the people just stared as they waited for the emperor to do something. And stared. And waited. But the emperor finally broke out into a laugh, the first that had been heard in the kingdom, and the crowd soon followed. One brave girl even managed to snap a picture of the cat, who was still trying to work out how to grab the string, and let’s just say it was a very different kingdom after all that.

The End.

Source: The Emperor’s New Clothes, Hans Christian Andersen

Princess and the Purr

Once upon a time, there was a prince who insisted on marrying a princess. A real princess, mind you, not one of those dressed up in a pointy hat she bought at the mall sort of princesses. She would have refined taste, and would settle for nothing but the best.

So, while the prince traveled all over the world, insulting princesses he found unfit, his mother, who had agreed to help him with his quest, subjected local princesses to humiliating tests. The worst test involved mattresses–the queen would stack a veritable tower of mattresses upon a bed, with three frozen peas wedged underneath. Every morning, she’d ask her guest how she’d slept, and when the answer was “Oh, just fine, thanks,” she’d run the false princess out of the house with a broom.

One dark wet night, long after the prince had returned from his disappointing trip, one of the servant girls dragged something in.

“Her name is Princess,” she said proudly of the dirty bedraggled cat she was carrying b y the scruff of her neck. “Isn’t she pretty?” The cat yowled and the queen chased both the little girl and the dirty cat out with her broom.

But that night, the yowling continued. The queen heard angry meows, sad meows, irritated meows, as she was tossing and turning, trying to sleep. Finally, she got out of bed and followed the sound to the guest bedroom, where she found the cat tossing and turning as well….atop the tower of mattresses. Carefully, she reached underneath the bottom mattress and pulled out the three frozen peas. The yowling immediately stopped.

Princess had passed the test.

The prince and the cat were married the very next day. And although the prince was not sure what he’d gotten himself into, his mother could not have been prouder.

The End.

Source: The Princess and the Pea, Hans Christian Andersen

The Angry Duckling

Once upon a time, a duck laid five eggs. Normally, this would not be an event of much significance. However, one egg was slightly larger than the others, and took slightly longer to hatch. The other ducks waited impatiently, complaining that their brother or their sister was very tardy indeed.

Finally, the egg hatched, and out came the ugliest duckling they’d ever seen. They’d seen admittedly few other ducklings, since they had after all just been born only minutes before, but this duckling was impressively ugly.

As they grew up and met other ducklings, their belief that their brother was in fact a very ugly duckling was confirmed, and they began to mock him, tease him, make up songs about his big head and squashed bill.

After a little while of this treatment, the ugly duckling decided he deserved better, and set off to make his fortune.

First, he moved in with some geese, who tolerated him as long as he promised not to make any moves on the lady geese.

Next, he tried his luck with wild ducks, figuring they would be more accepting of his physique. They were not.

Finally, he joined a farm where a cat and a hen seemed to be in charge of everyone else. Although life on the farm was comfortable, and the duckling enjoyed watching the humans who lived on it, the cat always seemed to be licking his lips, or researching good duck recipes, in his presence The duckling decided to keep his time there short.

So, before he left, he observed carefully, and learned how to use a computer. From that point on, the duckling, who had long resolved to make his own way in life, since everyone else just wanted to mock or maybe eat him, worked harder than ever.

He bought stock.

He learned how to program.

He worked all day and all night on new software, software he patented and then sold for millions of dollars.

He became a software mogul, with a corporate empire. He had thousands of employees, every last one an ugly duckling.

The End.

Source: The Ugly Duckling, Hans Christian Andersen.