Fairy Tales Posts

10Feb
1

The Snow Bunny, Concluded

Once upon a time, a wicked rabbit, saddened by the loss of his racist mirror, recruited a boy named Kay to join his attempt at world domination. However, his army of robot rabbits was discovered by Kay’s friend Gerda, a robber girl, and a princess.

Although they did not know it, Kay and Gerda had actually been reunited in the dungeon where the robot rabbits were kept. While the Snow Rabbit showed Kay his masterpiece, Gerda and her friends, who had sneaked in through an open window, waited in a rafter above the room. She thought she could see Kay walking between the rows of robot rabbits, but he was so far away. Also, he was wearing rabbit ears and a fuzzy tail.

“Now!” she cried, giving the signal. Just as they had discussed, all three girls grabbed a chain hanging from the ceiling and swung down to the floor below. But they were interrupted by the robots, who began firing lasers wildly in every direction. Kay and the Snow Rabbit jumped to the floor, and the girls fell to the ground in a heap. Meanwhile, quite a few lasers broke through the dungeon walls, and when the intoxicating scent of bacon wafted by, the robots all began to file out into the world. By the time everyone inside stood up again, the robots were gone.

For a long time, they just stared at each other.

Then they screamed at each other.

Then they decided to follow the robots. However, the robots had a substantial lead, and by the time the Snow Rabbit and the kids found them, it was too late. The rabbits had found a new master.

Standing before the sea of robots was a donkey. “Don’t steal all the bacon!” the donkey said. “Instead, we will give it back.”

And one by one, the robots rabbits turned down their ears and turned off their lasers.

At that point, the Snow Rabbit knew he had lost them, just like he had lost his mirror.

“How about pizza?” he asked, and he, Kay, Gerda, and the girls walked off into the snow.

The End.

Source: The Snow Queen, Hans Christian Andersen.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
19Jan
1

The Snow Bunny, Ctd.

Once upon a time, a wicked rabbit broke his racist mirror and persuaded a boy named Kay to help him take over the world with an army of robot rabbits.

Kay’s disappearance did not sit well with his good friend, Gerda.

Back at home, Gerda  wished that Kay were dead. The sparrows, the swans, and even one squirrel (but not the others) told her she was being unreasonable, but she persisted in wishing upon her friend a number of gory ends.

After a while, she got tired of sitting around and wishing and decided to set off in search of Kay. She left that very night, and it was not because of what the sparrows and the swans and the squirrel might say, no matter what you think. Though it is worth noting that they were asleep when she left.

Of course, night is not really the best time for a little girl to travel, and she was soon beset upon by robbers. Luckily she did not have much of value on her to steal, and even more luckily, one of the few things she did have on her person was a samurai sword. She quickly dispatched the robbers, and was surprised to hear someone clapping behind her.

Behind her stood another girl, dressed like the robbers, who held her own samurai sword. Before Gerda knew it, she was engaged in a very close match, but just as she was sure her very life was about to flash before her eyes, the girl stopped. And laughed. She explained then that while she had enjoyed the fight, she had never really intended to kill gerda. Then she asked if she could join her on her quest.

Gerda agreed, and they set off together

She told the robber girl about Kay, and the other girl, to her relief, did not suggest she refrain from killing him. They traveled together quite peacefully after that, until they came to a beautiful palace. Inside, they were told, was a princess about their same age.

So they went to visit the princess and spent some time talking to her and combing her hair. The princess had only brothers, so she was glad of the female company, even if Gerda and the robber girl were not particularly pleasant. However, it also seemed as though the little princess had a secret, and the third time she excused herself from their teatime, the girls followed her down to the dungeon, where they found her tending to a robotic rabbit with red glowing eyes.

“We must have that!” the robber girl decided, and Gerda agreed.

So they demanded the rabbit, and the princess refused and began to cry. They argued until they realized the rabbit had gone, and they put aside their differences to follow it together. The journey was long and unpleasant, but they finally trackexd thr rabbit to another dungeon.

And in that dungeon were dozens of robot rabbits, all with glowing red eyes.

The End. For now…

Source: The Snow Queen, Hans Christian Andersen.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
10Jan
2

The Snow Bunny

Once upon a time, a rather nasty little rabbit broke a mirror. Now, our rabbit was superstitious as well as nasty, so naturally, he became quite worried about what seven years of bad luck might bring. So naturally, he did the nastiest thing he could, and threw the broken shards of mirror from a high place, so that some went into plants or lakes, or even into people.

And of course, this was no ordinary mirror. It was a racist mirror.

When the mirror broke and shards were scattered all about, people began to feel terrible and mean and no one could figure out why.
Which is how the fight between Gerda and Kay got started.

They were having a perfectly nice time throwing vegetables at passing cars when suddenly they both began to feel mean and uncomfortable. They started fighting over nothing things, and finally, Gerda gave up on their game and went home. Which makes what Kay did later more understandable if not excuseable. He was, after all, very bored.

That night, a white rabbit with red eyes appeared just outside his window.

“Are you like a snow bunny?” Kay asked, for the rabbit was indeed hopping around in the snow, in a very menacing way.

“I am the great snow rabbit!” He said, and spat on the ground. “I am very powerful, very wicked. And great”

Once that was settled, the rabbit inquired whether Kay wanted to participate in devious and evil acts. Kay agreed readily, and after some time tripping people inthe street and stealing candy from the weaker looking children, the snow rabbit revealed to Kay his terrible plan. You see, the rabbit had been very saddened by the loss of his racist mirror, and he had begun a project to distract himself.

Down in the snow rabbit’s basement, Kay found, were one hundred rabbit robots with metal fangs and red lasers for eyes.
Kay saw immediately what he was doing.

“But once you have taken over the world and claimed all the Bacon for yourself,” he asked, ” what will you do?”

” Oh, you will see,” the snow rabbit promised, and he rubbed his paws together in a menacing way. “You will see.”

The End. For now…

Source: The Snow Queen, Hans Christian Andersen.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , ,
03Jan
1

The Alien Bridegroom

Once upon a time, a small alien spacecraft crash-landed in a field somewhere. There was only one alien inside, and he was very cross indeed when he got out and had a look at the damage, because spacecraft bumpers don’t come cheap anywhere, really, especially when they need to have cow dung cleaned off them.

However, all of this changed when he looked across the field and saw…the sheep of his dreams. Now, before this moment, he wasn’t really aware that he was attracted to sheep, or really even that sheep existed, for that matter. But as soon as he saw this particular sheep, he knew that nothing could stand in the way of their true love.

However, when he approached the lovely sheep and explained his feelings, she turned him down. She had other plans, she explained, involving the bear who was currently roaming the countryside off to the left.  She knew the stories, she said, and she knew that once they were married he would come to bed and turn into a human as long as she didn’t tell anyone the secret.

The alien went away very sad, but some time later, he came back to seek out the little sheep. He was delighted to find her without the bear husband.

“He was really just a bear,” she explained. “Not a human. But I have another plan.”

It turned out that a certain salamander, she was sure was really a prince, and all she had to do was kiss him to make him hers.

So the alien wished her luck, and sadly went away again.

But when he came back, he found the sheep still on her own. No prince, and no salamander. What’s more, she seemed open to the idea of going out with the alien.

After the salamander had turned out to be a salamander, after all, she explained, and jumped away into a fire after she kissed him, she had met a funny furry creature with claws and a duck bill, and assumed he was a prince who had been turned into a strange beast. But after several months of getting to know one another, she realized he was actually just a platypus. She was done human hunting, she said. Maybe.

For a moment, the alien was filled with joy. But then he thought about how long it had taken them to get to that point, and how many other options the sheep had exhausted. Also, the fact that she couldn’t really, completely commit to giving up searching for a human husband was disconcerting.

So he went back home, and took some time for himself.

He settled into a very satisfying career as a ceramic bowl maker, and only thought of the little sheep and her strange fixations occasionally.

The End.

© Beatrix Cottonpants Original

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Beatrix Cottonpants Originals and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , ,
28Dec
0

Old Slipslide, Ctd.

Once upon a time, the daughter of a mermaid and a water park aficionado was catapulted into a wave pool to the lair of a half-man, half octopus. Upon meeting, the aforementioned creature welcomed her home, much to her horror.

“I’m Old Slipslide,” he introduced himself. “And I look forward to having you as my wife.”

“Old Slipslide? That sounds sort of dirty,” she said.

“Dirty? How so?” he asked.

“Nevermind,” she replied, “What’s all this wife business?”

And Old Slipslide explained, slowly and patiently, that by darting into his underwater home, the girl had consented to be his wife. And he was very glad she had, for she had the cutest little nose he ever did see. He assured her that there was no escape, and then shuffled off to prepare dinner.

At first, she scoffed at his promise, and made for the door, the window, and the interesting catapult device he used every day to go out and get the paper. But sure enough, everything was locked with a combination she had to admit, after many tries, she just could not figure out. And eventually, she got sort of comfortable living at the bottom of a wave pool. Old Slipslide turned out to be a pretty good cook, and his idea of marriage was apparently watching movies together while eating dinner.

But from time to time, she saw faces she recognized in the newspaper — her old sweetheart’s, or her father’s, and she realized she very much missed her old life. But how was she going to escape?

After ruling out any real escape plans, she tried something simple. She made comments, left notes, sang songs, all around the same general theme: I miss my dad, and this house is so stuffy, maybe we could open a window every once in a while? Finally, Old Slipslide obliged by opening a window, and the girl darted out and swam to the surface before he realized what was happening.

Back home, she was received warmly indeed by her father and her former sweetheart, whom she immediately agreed to marry even though she supposed she was technically still married to Old Slipslide. But she didn’t worry about it, because she was so very happy to have her old life back.

For a little while, anyway.

After a few months, she found that she was a little annoyed by her new fiancee, she missed having her own space, and she even sort of missed Old Slipslide. Her sweetheart was not a good cook, as it turned out, and loved to have romantic evenings dancing in the moonlight, which was nice at first, but had gotten old really fast. However, she was happy to be with her father again, and she did not really miss living underwater or being held captive.

The solution presented itself to her all at once. During a particularly bad bout of dancing atop the water slide, she asked her sweetheart to pause while she scribbled off a note: “Come see me if you’re ever on the outside”.

She taped the note to his jacket and immediately shoved him down the slide. He flew off in a spectacular manner and landed in the middle of the wave pool.

She smiled, and then she waited.

The End.

Source: Old Rinkrank, Brothers Grimm

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales, Uncategorized and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
05Dec
0

At the Pumpkin Ball

Once upon a time, a girl earned the help of a bird, a squirrel and a hippopotamus by sharing her snacks, even though she really really wanted them. In return, those animals helped her sneak out and attend the Pumpkin Ball, the most magical festival of the season.

And it was just as magical as she expected. The Ball was held outdoors, despite the autumn chill, with a large tent assembled in case of rain. Glowing orange bulbs hung from the rafters, and wooden tables lined the walls. At the center, the floor was open for dancing, and at the head of it all sat the Pumpkin Throne.

Every year at the Pumpkin Ball, a Pumpkin Queen was chosen from the throngs of party goers and given the chance to preside over the festivities, deciding the dances, the songs, the games. It was magical indeed, as long as the Pumpkin Queen was not the sort to favor quiet games of cards or music with too much bass.

But that year, it seemed as though things were going to be different. It started out magically enough: the lucky girl was chosen, crowned, and led to the throne. But once she was seated, things started to go wrong. The commands she issued had nothing to do with the Ball or dancing or games. They were political in nature, and also, sort of evil.

And then she noticed the eyes. Everyone around her had red eyes, and all were staring adoringly at their new Queen.

She began to feel a little suspicious. And then she began to feel a little bit scared, as everyone else looked suspicious at her. Assuming of course that dozens of red eyes staring her down as if she’d just changed the channel without asking, meant they were suspicious.

“Not on the guest list!” someone cried, before they began to chase her.

“Not on the guest list!” they chanted, as they removed rifles, spears and pitchforks from petticoats and topcoats and trench coats.

And then she ran. It seemed the only logical thing to do.

And at some point, amidst the running and hiding and occasional taunting, something important occurred to her.

She wasn’t on the guest list.

She hadn’t been expected.

So whatever had afflicted her fellow townsfolk was not afflicting her, and therefore, she was the only one who could do anything.

At that point, she stopped running. She waited until the crowd caught up, and demanded to see the Queen. And when the Queen appeared, all red eyes and orange finery, the girl challenged her.

“A teasing contest,” she declared. “For the town.”

And so it began. Long into the night, it seemed, they insulted each other’s hair, clothes, intelligence, girth and mothers. Finally, the Queens crumpled and burst into tears. All around her, the townspeople returned to normal. They crowned their new Queen, and finished the night with food, dancing and games.

Far later into the night, everyone started to make their way home, laughing and talking, so that they hardly noticed her.

Even the girl almost didn’t noticed the former Queen crouching in the bushes, waiting.

She wondered how long she would wait.

© Beatrix Cottonpants Original

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Beatrix Cottonpants Originals and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , ,
04Nov
4

The Pumpkin Ball

Once upon a time, a little girl teased her sister and got into trouble. She was sent to bed without dinner or cookies, and, even worse, she was forbidden to go to the Pumpkin Ball.

This news was very upsetting indeed. She’d gone to the Pumpkin Ball every year, and this time she even had a beautiful new orange dress to wear, which clearly would be wasted.

Luckily, she had, during an earlier punishment, sneaked a few cookies and pieces of candy into her room. At least she wouldn’t starve.

So she put on her orange dress anyway, and sulked a bit, and found a cookie. She was preparing to bite into it when…

a little bird appeared at the window. “Could I have that cookie, please?” the bird asked. “It’s just that I’m so hungry.”

Reluctantly, she handed over the cookie.

Next, she found a brownie, and was just about to take a bite when…

a squirrel hopped onto her windowsill.

“May I have that brownie?” he asked. “I like brownies more than anything!”

He looked so happy and helpful that she gave him the brownie.

Luckily, she still had a candy bar left. But just as she unwrapped it, a hippo stuck his head through the window.

He didn’t say anything, but he did lick his lips.

And he was very large, and not nearly as cute or friendly looking as picture books had suggested, so she handed over her candy.

Left with no candy or cookies, and still stuck at home, she gazed out of the window and sulked rather loudly.

“If only I could get outside,” she said. “But my mother is blocking my way out.”

“I can help,” a little voice said. At first. she had no idea where it had come from, but then she saw the bird out the window. “I can fly you down, it explained. “As a thank you for the cookie.” And so, the girl held on to the bird, and together they flew down to the ground. The bird was gasping for breath from the girl’s weight by the time they reached the ground, but they made it.

“Thank you bird!” she cried. “But I think I hear my mother coming! How will I get past her?”

“I can help you there.” a little voice said. At first, she couldn’t tell where they voice was coming from, but when she looked down, she saw the squirrel nibbling at her boot.

“I can distract her,” the squirrel offered. “As a thank you for the brownie.” And before she could even reply, the squirrel had raced off into the house. She could hear screams and the sounds of things breaking inside.

“But how will I even get to the Pumpkin Ball?” she wondered. “It’s too far to walk.”

This time, no little voice responded, but the hippo appeared as if out of nowhere, with traces of chocolate on his lips.

She hoped she was right in assuming his offer of help as she climbed on his back. More quickly than she would have thought possible, they raced away into the night.

The End. For Now…

© Beatrix Cottonpants Original

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Beatrix Cottonpants Originals and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
28Oct
2

Fear What?

Once upon a time, a young man left home and set off on a quest to learn what fear was.

You see, after years of watching horror movies, enduring less than sensitive pranks at the hands of his older brothers, and once even encountering a saber tooth tiger just outside his house, he could not remember ever feeling what he would describe as scared.

So he bade his sweetheart goodbye (for now) and he and Jim (the saber tooth tiger, who agreed to be his pet after the boy had failed to be impressed by his long sharp teeth) left early one morning.

They traveled for a long time before they met anyone, but just after nightfall they encountered a pale young man, and the boy offered to share his beans and hot dogs with him. The pale man agreed to sit by the fire with him and Jim, but declined to eat anything.

Later that night, however, the boy awoke to find his guest crouching over him, fangs bared and ready to bite.

“I’m very disappointed,” he said. But he was not afraid. He gathered his things, and he and Jim left.

They traveled through the night, but it was more difficult. Shadows kept passing over their vision, and creaks and groans seemed to echo. At one point, a great hairy beast leaped out in front of Jim, and stood up to his full height.

He was a werewolf, he explained, and hungry during the full moon. The boy explained that the moon was not full, and so he should be able to go on his way. He was not afraid.

Finally, as day broke, he and Jim found themselves walking past a graveyard, where, incidentally, the dead had begun to walk. Several were lurching right towards them, saying something that sounded suspiciously like “Rain.” He pulled out his umbrella and walked on. He was not afraid.

At this point, however, he did feel rather defeated. Declaring the entire thing a failure, he and Jim headed home. The first thing they did, of course, was visit his sweetheart. But there was a surprise awaiting them at her house.

During his absence, the vampire, the werewolf, and even one of the zombies had made their way to his village and were currently courting sweetheart. To make things worse, she wasn’t exactly resisting their advances. In fact, she was smiling.

Suddenly, the thought occurred to him that she might even prefer the vampire, the werewolf, or the zombie to him. What if she didn’t want to be his sweetheart anymore? Something he’d never felt before gripped him, and he went down on one knee before her and promised her all manner of extravagant things  if she would only remain his own sweetheart. She agreed, and it was only later, after he’d thoroughly taunted  his supernatural rivals, that he thought back to the moment he thought he might lose her, and realized he had finally learned the meaning of fear.

The End

Source: The Story of a Boy Who Went Forth to Learn Fear, Brothers Grimm

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
21Oct
2

The New Mouse of the House

Once upon a time, a mouse decided it was finally time for his two sons to marry, and that they would find their brides in the traditional way: they would gnaw at the stem of a sunflower until it fell, and marry the girl the flower pointed to.

Now, the house the mice lived in had no mirrors or other reflective surfaces, and for good reason: the two sons had no idea they were mice. Long ago, their father had decided he would really rather be human, so they lived as humans, the boys would marry humans, and, hopefully, their children would be more human than mouse.

So the brothers went out and gnawed on their sunflowers until they fell. The older brother’s flower fell, luckily, just towards the house of the very girl he had been wooing. He immediately went over and spent a long time convincing her to be his bride.

The younger brother, however, found his flower pointing toward the woods, and he walked for a very long time before he found anyone at all. When he finally did, it was in a quiet little cabin under a lovely willow tree. She had a pleasant voice , and readily agreed to be his bride.

Also, she was a mouse.

He fretted about that a little on the way home, but reasoned that his dad was a mouse, and wouldn’t mind so much.

He was, of course, mistaken, and he was very worried indeed when he made his way back to the cabin. As a test, his father had instructed him to have his mouse weave a sample of the finest cloth ever for him.

He was even more worried when he explained the situation to his mouse, and she simply handed him a piece of cheese. It was a delicious piece of cheese, surely, but not at all what his father had requested.

So he did all he could of to do, and took his bride home, thinking to win his father over with her grace, beauty, and adorable whiskers.

But just as the pair were approaching the house, something surprising happened.

His father flew into such a rage that he physically attacked the little mouse, knocking her backwards into a pond. Without thinking, the son jumped into the water and swam after his bride. As he pulled her back to the shore, he got the greatest shock of his life: he was clearly a mouse, and not a man at all. Years of prejudice against mice  and identity issues finally made sense to him.

He left  his house, married the mouse, and they lived happily ever after.

The End

Source: The Mouse Bride, Finnish fairy tale

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
23Sep
0

Fortune and Fanny, Part 2

Once upon a time, an obnoxious boy sought to prove his love to the unpleasant princess he was fated to marry by agreeing to fetch her three biscuits belonging to the Terrible Monster living in the treacherous mountain just outside their kingdom. Read about it in the first part of Fortune and Fanny.

Fortune followed the crunching tearing gnawing sounds until finally, the Terrible Monster appeared in his view. But when he saw the beast, Fortune stopped, surprised.

Because the monster looked, well, pleasant. Sort of like a large monkey with a nice round face and cute fuzzy ears. Certainly nicer than Stupid Fanny and her Stupid Face.

But then the monster roared and howled and banged its fists against the ground.

And then it spoke.

“Hi,” it said. “Would you like a biscuit?”

And just like that, Fortune collected three biscuits. He stayed the afternoon, drinking tea with the Terrible Monster and talking about the kingdom. As they spoke, the Monster mentioned the meercat on the boat, saying in passing that if he were to hand anyone the oar, that anyone would be stuck rowing the boat, and the meercat would be free to go.

Fortune thanked the Monster for his hospitality, and then went on his way. He stayed quiet on the boat, but once he was safe on the shore, he told the meercat the secret he had learned.

And then he went home, and found Fanny.

Now, at this point, Fortune was furious with Fanny. Maybe he’d gotten lucky with the Terrible Monster, but still, he had never been so inconvenienced in his life. And so, since Fortune was a liar as well as an arrogant jerk, he told Fanny that there was a great treasure at the foot of the mountain, and a meercat in a boat could help her find it. And so, since Fanny was greedy as well as unpleasant, she set out the very next day to find it.

By the following night, as expected, Fortune found Fanny steering the boat back and forth across the lake, looking very, very angry. She cursed at him until her voice got hoarse, and then Fortune left her there and went home.

For several days, Fortune was very happy, knowing that Fanny who had inconvenienced him so was ceaselessly rowing back and forth across the lake. He didn’t even miss her.

Well, not all the time, anyway.

But one morning, when he woke up facing an angry dwarf from inside a glass coffin, he began to suspect she might be back.

Later, he learned that she had figured out the trick, and handed the oar to a hapless delivery elf. Then she returned to wage the biggest prank war the kingdom had ever seen.

Now, sometime during that war, Fortune realized he didn’t want to live without Fanny, even if she was forever hiding spindles among his belongings or putting his picture on polar bear love match websites. And it occurred to Fanny that maybe she wouldn’t mind being married to Fortune after all.

And the rest of the kingdom rejoiced, because they couldn’t imagine anyone as horrible as Fortune or Fanny finding love anywhere else.

The End.

Source: The Devil and the Three Golden Hairs, Brothers Grimm

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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