dogs Posts

02Sep
0

Porpoise and the Dog in the Mirror

Once upon a time, a dog named Porpoise lived in a very large, very nice house. He wasn’t the cleverest dog ever, but he was loyal and fierce and had nice shining fur, so that was okay.

Sometimes, when Porpoise had no intruders to scare away, or dog food to eat, he liked to explore his big nice house. He almost always found something he’d never seen before, or at least something he’d found once and forgotten about.

One day, he was exploring a new room when, passing by something shiny and silver, he encountered something he’d not seen before: another dog.

It was most certainly a male, a brown dog with black ears and a fluffy tail. But it was snarling, and looked ready to attack.

Porpoise began to growl back, but was interrupted when his owner came in, patted him on the head, and laughed about him growling at the mirror.

As he left the room, he was sure he saw the mirror dog turn into a hippopotamus.

The following day, he walked back up to the mirror, where the dog was waiting. But this time, his smaller owner came and made him go outside and play. This time, the dog thought he saw a rhinoceros watching him leave.

But that night, Porpoise made sure no one else was awake when he returned to the mirror. And the mirror dog was there, waiting, and it seemed to smile.

Porpoise barked and he growled, and his hackles went up, and the mirror dog just snarled and growled and paced.

Not knowing what else to do, the dog took his favorite toy, a light blue kitty and hit it against the mirror.

There was a thud, and a thwack, and a small crack appeared on the mirror. And the mirror dog ran away with its tail between its legs. As it ran, the dog thought it saw it turn into something smaller and softer, with sharper claws and pointy ears.

But his job was done, so Porpoise went downstairs, and slept on the couch until the sun came up.

The End

© Beatrix Cottonpants Original

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Beatrix Cottonpants Originals and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
21Jun
2

With a Big Fluffy Tail and Pointy Fangs

Once upon a time there was a Secret Queen who was married to a King who had a head like a llama. They lived in a little house with the King’s sister, who was a dog with the head of a llama, and the Queen’s brother, a kangaroo with the head of a llama and a big fluffy tail, like a squirrel. The King and Queen were very happy together in their little house, and their siblings enjoyed chasing each other around the trees.

They were even happier when the Queen had a baby girl, especially since the baby did not have the head of a llama. However, word somehow got back to the Queen’s Stepmother that her two stepchildren, who had run away from her some time ago, were still alive and happy. She resolved to make herself an important part of their lives again.

Now, here is a secret: the stepmother was a vampire. She had been a young vampire when the two children were left to her to raise, and the constant effort to not eat them made her rather cranky. Hence the bullying. But since that time, she had gotten more used to being a vampire, and had even sired herself a sullen little daughter.

So she packed up some things, and one night she and her daughter traveled to the little house where the King and Queen lived with their furry siblings. She surprised her stepdaughter in the bath one night, and maybe accidentally bit her a little. But she was able to begin the process to turn her into a vampire, so she didn’t, you know, die. In the meantime, though, she didn’t want anyone to realize what she had done, so she glamored her own daughter up a little and told her to fill in for the queen.

This plan worked for a little while, even though the “Queen” was suddenly cranky and ate all her food rare. Things really started to fall apart, though, when the stepmother began to hear the real Queen from underneath the floorboards, and the King began asking questions.

“Mice,” she said the first time.

“Big mice,” she said the second time.

“Undead mice,” she said the third time.

And that answer might have satisfied the king if the floor hadn’t opened at that very moment, and the true Queen emerged and grabbed her baby. She explained to the others what her stepmother had done. After subtly removing the baby from the Queen’s arms, the King called his sister and brother-in-law and asked them to take care of their visitors.

And so the stepmother and her daughter were thrown into the stream out back. Since they were undead, however, their transformation took so much of the stream’s magic that it dried up completely, and when it did, the King, his sister, and the Queen’s brother were also transformed, back to almost normal. The Stepmother and her daughter, on the other hand, became llamas, albeit llamas with pointy fangs, and they too lived happily ever after in the little house next to the dried up stream.

The End.

Source: Brother and Sister, Brothers Grimm

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

The Unlikely Adventures of an Impolite Boy Made of Bacon

Once upon a time there was a young man, and the young man was hungry, and the young man was lucky. Because there was a fair amount of uncooked bacon in his freezer.

He threw a few pieces of bacon, as well as one round breakfast sausage,  into a frying pan, and then a strange thing happened.

The pieces of bacon practically floated in the oil until four of them extended from one long piece. It was not until the breakfast sausage made its way to the top of the pan that the young man realized what he was looking at: a person made entirely of breakfast.

Before he had a chance to register what had happened, the just-created Bacon Boy leapt into the air with a high pitched laugh, and jumped from the pan to the floor, streaming hot bacon fat behind him. As he ran, he sang a song the young man could just barely make out:

“Think you can catch me?
I may as well stop to do a jig!
You’re portlier than I am,
And I’m made from a pig!”

The young man thought about chasing him, but decided not to bother. He didn’t usually like bacon after it had been on the floor. Plus, his feelings were hurt.

The Bacon Boy, meanwhile, ran from the apartment building onto the street below, where a little dog was being walked on a short leash. Immediately, the dog caught the whiff of bacon in the air, and began to bark and pull on the leash.

“Think you can catch me?
I’ll be the judge of that!
Just try to run
While you’re slipping in my fat!”

The Bacon Boy laughed and left the little dog behind. In the park, he encountered several pigeons, who attempted to run after him or fly after him, or some strange combination of the two. But he kept running, and he kept singing:

“Think you can catch me?
That plan’s sure to fizzle!
You may flap your wings fast,
But unlike you, I sizzle!”

The Bacon Boy continued to run through the park until he reached the other side, and descended the steps down into a subway station. Down in the tracks, he attracted the attention of quite a few rats, who slowly crept along behind him, hardly able to hear him sing:

“Think you can catch me?
Think you’ll be fed?
I can outrun you,
And I have sausage for a head!”

But the rats kept moving, even though soon they could hardly hear the Bacon Boy over the sound of the approaching train.

He must have seen it coming, because he began again to sing:

“Think you can catch me?”

The rats hopped off the tracks as the train rushed by, and when it had passed, they were vaguely disappointed to find that the Bacon Boy was gone.

The End.

Source: The Gingerbread Man, Traditional Fairy Tale

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

Diamonds and the Dog Fairy

Once upon a time, there was a widow who treated her older daughter well, and her step-daughter not so well. She would throw dishes on the floor just to make to make the girl pick them up and wash them. She would make the girl zip her into dresses that were clearly too tight. Worst of all, she would often send the girl to get water from a well miles away from the house, even though the plumbing worked just fine.

One day, when the girl was visiting the well (for the third time that week!), she saw as she approached a small, skinny dog looking wistfully at the well.

“Oh, don’t worry, little guy!” she said, for she was kind and good and all that. And she lowering her bucket into the water and set it in front of the dog so he could drink. Once he had his fill, she dipped the bucket in again.

Before her eyes, the little dog began to transform! He was not a boy dog at all! Suddenly, a fairy with a tail and a long whiskered nose was looking down at her benevolently. She tried to avert her eyes, so she wouldn’t begin laughing at the fairy. It just seemed like the sort of thing One Does Not Do.

“For your kindness, I will reward you!” The fairy proclaimed. Her tail was wagging. “Now go, and reap the benefits!”

So she went, a little confused. When she arrived home, she opened her mouth to explain to her step-mother and sister what had happened, and…

a diamond fell out of her mouth.

By the time she had made it through the whole story, there was a small pile of precious stones at her feet. Her step-mother and sister were so clearly preoccupied with the gems that the girl wasn’t sure they’d been listening at all until her step-mother said, quite clearly,

“Real daughter, go give that dog some water. NOW!”

And the daughter ran off as fast as she could.

However, there was no dog to be found when she finally arrived at the well. She looked in bushes and in trees, and all she found was a cat, and she was so annoyed she promptly kicked the cat.

Suddenly, a fairy with a tail and a long whiskered nose stood before her.

“You are unpleasant and mean,” the fairy declared. “Go home!”

The daughter stamped her foot and demanded she be rewarded as her sister had been, but the fairy simply turned back into a cat and ran up a tree.

So, she began to walk home, muttering obscenities to herself. After some time, she realized she was being followed.

More dogs than she had ever seen in one place were trailing behind her, looking at her as if she had everything they could ever want. For a moment, she thought she’d found the real gift-dog, and made ready to rush back to the well.

But then she coughed, and this time, she noticed: a dog biscuit had fallen from her mouth.

“What?” she said.

Another dog biscuit fell to the ground.

By the time she’d reached the house, there was a small army of dogs following her. She only hoped she’d be able to explain the situation to her mother.

The End.

Source: Diamonds and Toads, Charles Perrault.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , ,