Stories For Everyone But You » Beatrix Cottonpants Originals

The Alien Bridegroom

Beatrix Cottonpants — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 01:46:09 +0000

Once upon a time, a small alien spacecraft crash-landed in a field somewhere. There was only one alien inside, and he was very cross indeed when he got out and had a look at the damage, because spacecraft bumpers don’t come cheap anywhere, really, especially when they need to have cow dung cleaned off them.

However, all of this changed when he looked across the field and saw…the sheep of his dreams. Now, before this moment, he wasn’t really aware that he was attracted to sheep, or really even that sheep existed, for that matter. But as soon as he saw this particular sheep, he knew that nothing could stand in the way of their true love.

However, when he approached the lovely sheep and explained his feelings, she turned him down. She had other plans, she explained, involving the bear who was currently roaming the countryside off to the left. She knew the stories, she said, and she knew that once they were married he would come to bed and turn into a human as long as she didn’t tell anyone the secret.

The alien went away very sad, but some time later, he came back to seek out the little sheep. He was delighted to find her without the bear husband.

“He was really just a bear,” she explained. “Not a human. But I have another plan.”

It turned out that a certain salamander, she was sure was really a prince, and all she had to do was kiss him to make him hers.

So the alien wished her luck, and sadly went away again.

But when he came back, he found the sheep still on her own. No prince, and no salamander. What’s more, she seemed open to the idea of going out with the alien.

After the salamander had turned out to be a salamander, after all, she explained, and jumped away into a fire after she kissed him, she had met a funny furry creature with claws and a duck bill, and assumed he was a prince who had been turned into a strange beast. But after several months of getting to know one another, she realized he was actually just a platypus. She was done human hunting, she said. Maybe.

For a moment, the alien was filled with joy. But then he thought about how long it had taken them to get to that point, and how many other options the sheep had exhausted. Also, the fact that she couldn’t really, completely commit to giving up searching for a human husband was disconcerting.

So he went back home, and took some time for himself.

He settled into a very satisfying career as a ceramic bowl maker, and only thought of the little sheep and her strange fixations occasionally.

The End.

At the Pumpkin Ball

Beatrix Cottonpants — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 04:29:53 +0000

Once upon a time, a girl earned the help of a bird, a squirrel and a hippopotamus by sharing her snacks, even though she really really wanted them. In return, those animals helped her sneak out and attend the Pumpkin Ball, the most magical festival of the season.

And it was just as magical as she expected. The Ball was held outdoors, despite the autumn chill, with a large tent assembled in case of rain. Glowing orange bulbs hung from the rafters, and wooden tables lined the walls. At the center, the floor was open for dancing, and at the head of it all sat the Pumpkin Throne.

Every year at the Pumpkin Ball, a Pumpkin Queen was chosen from the throngs of party goers and given the chance to preside over the festivities, deciding the dances, the songs, the games. It was magical indeed, as long as the Pumpkin Queen was not the sort to favor quiet games of cards or music with too much bass.

But that year, it seemed as though things were going to be different. It started out magically enough: the lucky girl was chosen, crowned, and led to the throne. But once she was seated, things started to go wrong. The commands she issued had nothing to do with the Ball or dancing or games. They were political in nature, and also, sort of evil.

And then she noticed the eyes. Everyone around her had red eyes, and all were staring adoringly at their new Queen.

She began to feel a little suspicious. And then she began to feel a little bit scared, as everyone else looked suspicious at her. Assuming of course that dozens of red eyes staring her down as if she’d just changed the channel without asking, meant they were suspicious.

“Not on the guest list!” someone cried, before they began to chase her.

“Not on the guest list!” they chanted, as they removed rifles, spears and pitchforks from petticoats and topcoats and trench coats.

And then she ran. It seemed the only logical thing to do.

And at some point, amidst the running and hiding and occasional taunting, something important occurred to her.

She wasn’t on the guest list.

She hadn’t been expected.

So whatever had afflicted her fellow townsfolk was not afflicting her, and therefore, she was the only one who could do anything.

At that point, she stopped running. She waited until the crowd caught up, and demanded to see the Queen. And when the Queen appeared, all red eyes and orange finery, the girl challenged her.

“A teasing contest,” she declared. “For the town.”

And so it began. Long into the night, it seemed, they insulted each other’s hair, clothes, intelligence, girth and mothers. Finally, the Queens crumpled and burst into tears. All around her, the townspeople returned to normal. They crowned their new Queen, and finished the night with food, dancing and games.

Far later into the night, everyone started to make their way home, laughing and talking, so that they hardly noticed her.

Even the girl almost didn’t noticed the former Queen crouching in the bushes, waiting.

She wondered how long she would wait.

The Pumpkin Ball

Beatrix Cottonpants — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 01:19:28 +0000

Once upon a time, a little girl teased her sister and got into trouble. She was sent to bed without dinner or cookies, and, even worse, she was forbidden to go to the Pumpkin Ball.

This news was very upsetting indeed. She’d gone to the Pumpkin Ball every year, and this time she even had a beautiful new orange dress to wear, which clearly would be wasted.

Luckily, she had, during an earlier punishment, sneaked a few cookies and pieces of candy into her room. At least she wouldn’t starve.

So she put on her orange dress anyway, and sulked a bit, and found a cookie. She was preparing to bite into it when…

a little bird appeared at the window. “Could I have that cookie, please?” the bird asked. “It’s just that I’m so hungry.”

Reluctantly, she handed over the cookie.

Next, she found a brownie, and was just about to take a bite when…

a squirrel hopped onto her windowsill.

“May I have that brownie?” he asked. “I like brownies more than anything!”

He looked so happy and helpful that she gave him the brownie.

Luckily, she still had a candy bar left. But just as she unwrapped it, a hippo stuck his head through the window.

He didn’t say anything, but he did lick his lips.

And he was very large, and not nearly as cute or friendly looking as picture books had suggested, so she handed over her candy.

Left with no candy or cookies, and still stuck at home, she gazed out of the window and sulked rather loudly.

“If only I could get outside,” she said. “But my mother is blocking my way out.”

“I can help,” a little voice said. At first. she had no idea where it had come from, but then she saw the bird out the window. “I can fly you down, it explained. “As a thank you for the cookie.” And so, the girl held on to the bird, and together they flew down to the ground. The bird was gasping for breath from the girl’s weight by the time they reached the ground, but they made it.

“Thank you bird!” she cried. “But I think I hear my mother coming! How will I get past her?”

“I can help you there.” a little voice said. At first, she couldn’t tell where they voice was coming from, but when she looked down, she saw the squirrel nibbling at her boot.

“I can distract her,” the squirrel offered. “As a thank you for the brownie.” And before she could even reply, the squirrel had raced off into the house. She could hear screams and the sounds of things breaking inside.

“But how will I even get to the Pumpkin Ball?” she wondered. “It’s too far to walk.”

This time, no little voice responded, but the hippo appeared as if out of nowhere, with traces of chocolate on his lips.

She hoped she was right in assuming his offer of help as she climbed on his back. More quickly than she would have thought possible, they raced away into the night.

The End. For Now…

The Bobcat and the Borgle

Beatrix Cottonpants — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 21:52:49 +0000

Once upon a time, a bobcat was trying to sleep.

He had tried counting sheep, but when he realized that all he could think about was eating the sheep, he got up for a snack.

Now, this bobcat did not keep the tidiest of dens, and although he tried to remember to keep his refrigerator closed, and his various throw pillows away from lamps, it didn’t always happen.

Which is how he ended up eating the borgle.

It crunched and went down smoothly, so he didn’t even notice anything was wrong until he woke up the next day with the worst stomach ache he had ever had. He tried to throw up, and to soothe his stomach with dry toast and tea, but nothing worked.

Finally, he opened his refrigerator and took a long look inside. What had he put there, he wondered, and what had simply crawled in when he was being untidy?

Eventually, he came across a singing borgle eater that must have crawled in. He ate it immediately, with a tall glass of milk to wash it down, and then he closed his refrigerator and went to bed.

And when he woke up, his stomach was better. Now he just needed to do something about the singing…

The End.

Porpoise and the Dog in the Mirror

Beatrix Cottonpants — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 19:43:11 +0000

Once upon a time, a dog named Porpoise lived in a very large, very nice house. He wasn’t the cleverest dog ever, but he was loyal and fierce and had nice shining fur, so that was okay.

Sometimes, when Porpoise had no intruders to scare away, or dog food to eat, he liked to explore his big nice house. He almost always found something he’d never seen before, or at least something he’d found once and forgotten about.

One day, he was exploring a new room when, passing by something shiny and silver, he encountered something he’d not seen before: another dog.

It was most certainly a male, a brown dog with black ears and a fluffy tail. But it was snarling, and looked ready to attack.

Porpoise began to growl back, but was interrupted when his owner came in, patted him on the head, and laughed about him growling at the mirror.

As he left the room, he was sure he saw the mirror dog turn into a hippopotamus.

The following day, he walked back up to the mirror, where the dog was waiting. But this time, his smaller owner came and made him go outside and play. This time, the dog thought he saw a rhinoceros watching him leave.

But that night, Porpoise made sure no one else was awake when he returned to the mirror. And the mirror dog was there, waiting, and it seemed to smile.

Porpoise barked and he growled, and his hackles went up, and the mirror dog just snarled and growled and paced.

Not knowing what else to do, the dog took his favorite toy, a light blue kitty and hit it against the mirror.

There was a thud, and a thwack, and a small crack appeared on the mirror. And the mirror dog ran away with its tail between its legs. As it ran, the dog thought it saw it turn into something smaller and softer, with sharper claws and pointy ears.

But his job was done, so Porpoise went downstairs, and slept on the couch until the sun came up.

The End

Velociraptors in the Library

Beatrix Cottonpants — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 19:40:14 +0000

Once upon a time, a boy went for a walk through town after dark.

As he passed the library, he thought for sure he heard something — a guttering, grumbling sort of sound — but he reasoned that it must be his own stomach, and he headed home for a snack.

But the next day, he heard it again. This time, the sun was out, and other people were walking around as well. But neither the baker nor the funny hat maker, nor the investment banker, seemed to have heard the noise. He decided it must have been his own stomach again, and went home for dinner.

When it happened a third time, though, he had just eaten.

That night, he returned to the library and sat outside in the dark, waiting pateintly for the nosie to begin again. When finally he did, he crawled to the doorway of the library, where the sound was loudest, and spoke as loud as he could:

“Who’s there?”

But all that followed was more grumbling.

The boy was left to assume one thing: there was a sad dragon imprisoned beneath the library, and he had to help the noble creature get free.

How he would do so, of course, did not immediately occur to him. He started out practically: requesting city planning documents, searching the town for any abandoned caves or doorways leading to nowhere, knocking on all the bookcases to see if any were hollow.

But after much searching, he came up with nothing. At that point, it occurred to him that heroes didn’t usually become so through research and analytical thinking–they simply followed their gut. And so, he began to spend nights simply laying on his stomach in front of the library, just waiting for an idea.

And one night, he simply walked into the library, opened the trap door in front of the reference desk, and waited.

But a dragon didn’t come out.

At first, nothing came out. The boy waited for a good fifteen minutes before not a dragon, but a velociraptor emerged, and promptly began to chase him.

He was so busy running from that first velociraptor, in fact, that he hardly noticed the other two dozen or so emerging from the trap door.

The following day, he stayed locked in his room as the velociraptors terrorized his town, made loud dirty jokes at old ladies, and left their candy wrappers everywhere.

But that was no way for a hero to act.

And so that night, he bravely broke into the library, and searched in vain for a book entitled “How to Make A Velociraptor Your Bitch.” He was disappointed when he came up with nothing, but he did find a book with instructions on how to enchant inanimate objects and food, and took it with him, figuring it might be useful.

Outside, he could hear the footsteps of the velociraptors, as well as their terrible off tune drunken singing. Nearby, he found only a pie resting on someone’s window, and a roasted chicken on another. He enchanted both items to the best of his ability, and watched from a nearby alley as his creations went stumbling out into the night.

And then the velociraptors gave chase, and followed the animated pie and roasted chicken from the town. The boy didn’t know what happened to them after that, but he did his research and bided his time, knowing that one day it would be his duty to send the velociraptors back where they had come from.

The End.