Ballads Posts

Some Ravens

Once upon a time, two ravens sat in a tree. Somewhere below them, a man lay stretched out in the grass.

They were pretty sure he was dead.

They were pretty sure they wanted to eat him.

And so they went through the usual checklist. Was he dead? Seemed so. Edible? Clearly. Would anyone come looking for him? If the behavior of his horse (ran away), cart (got eaten by termites), and ladyfriend (took up with the butcher, theysuspected) were any indication, then no.

And so they began their descent, and once landed, proceeded to nibble softly on the body.

That’s when the screaming started.

The man’s lips didn’t move, but a terrible wail began to issue from him, and then one of the ravens screamed, and then the other raven screamed, and after they had all been screaming for some time and were beginning to draw the attention of nearby goats, the ravens realized something.

The voice of the first scream had been very, very familiar.

“Arthur!”

A third raven wriggled out from the body, which they could now see clearly was made entirely of plastic. This raven was grinning as far and wide as a raven could grin.

“You suck, Arthur.”

“Yeah.”

The End.

Source: Twa Corbies, Traditional Ballad

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Ballads and tagged with , , , , , , ,

True Thad

Once upon a time, a guy named Thad was sleeping under a tree, trying to avoid his dog. He had only slept for maybe and hour or two when he was rudely awakened by someone standing over him and making many obnoxious throat clearing noises.

He was about to be very mad indeed, but he found that it was not his dog, asking him to do the dishes, after all; it was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

In the most beautiful voice he had ever heard, she told him that if he could guess who she was, she would take him home with her.

“Are you…my mother?” he asked, which was really sort of a silly question, as he knew his mother was home with the dog, probably washing the dishes.

“Are you..Madonna?” he asked.

“Do you speak of the Virgin Mary?”

“No, the singer.”

The lady shook her head.

“Are you…the lady from up the hill?”

“Close enough.”

She pulled Thad up on her horse with her, and they galloped away. As they rode, she explained that she was the Queen of Faerie, and that he was very lucky indeed, since she had chosen him to be her mortal lover.

As they rode, she pointed out three paths: the path to Heaven, the path to Hell, and the path they would ride on, which led to Faerie.

“What’s that path?” Thad asked, pointing to an overgrown road next to the one they had turned down.

“That one leads to Creepy Jim’s house.” the Queen informed him. “I wouldn’t go down that path.”

As they rode, Thad was sure they passed through meadows of guts and jumped over gates made of bone. But the lady held him, and told him he would reside in Faerie with her for but seven years, and as long as he ate nothing, nor spoke not a word, he would return home with the gift of prophecy, and the inability to lie. However, if he did eat or speak, he must remain in Faerie forever.

And so they rode into Faerie, where courtiers and horses greeted them with songs and cheer.

As they stopped, Thad reached into a basket of baked goods offered to him and bit into a cupcake. “Hey guys,” he said. “What’s up?”

The Queen of Faerie began to feel as though she’d made a grave error, indeed.

The End.

Source: Thomas the Rhymer

Tam Lin Keeps Secrets

Once upon a time there was a meadow.

In the meadow was a tree.

On the tree there was a branch.

Under the branch there was a well.

Next to the well, there was a flower.

One day, a girl named Janet picked the flower, and someone else became very upset.

You see, this particular meadow was already occupied by the infamous Tam Lin, who, if the stories were to be believed, spent most of his time robbing or seducing anyone who wandered into his home.

He asked Janet not to pick the flowers, and to kindly go home, politely at first, and then not so politely.

But Janet refused. The meadow was really hers, she claimed, as it belonged to her parents.

They argued for a little while, and then Janet went home for dinner. She was surprised to find herself with child.

When she went back to the meadow to confront Tam Lin about it, she couldn’t find him. Until, of course, she picked a flower and he came running out to stop her.

“Oh, that’s my bad,” he said, when she explained the situation. “Did I not explain that picking the flowers gets you pregnant? You may have to watch out for twins now.”

Janet managed to remain calm while explaining to Tam Lin that he had not told her any such thing, and that since a flower couldn’t very well help her raise a baby, he would have to do. Thus, she explained, they would have to start spending a lot more time together.

So they did, and a for a while, things were actually going quite well.

Until the day that what had to be a faery hunt (tiny and elfin on horseback and loaded with weapons) rode by and all flashed some sort of hand signal at Tam Lin.

“What’s that all about?” Janet asked.

“Did I not explain that the Queen of Faerie sort of owns me?” Tam Lin responded.

After Janet indicated that, no, he had not, Tam Lin explained that some time ago, he had fallen from his horse and been captured by Faeries, who gave him the meadow.

It was nearly Halloween at this time, and on the day itself, Janet went to see Tam Lin again. He was dressed very nicely, all in white.

“Did I not explain that I need you to save me tonight?” he asked.

Janet indicated that no, he had not, and he explained that the Faeries wanted to sacrifice him that night, to whatever it is faeries sacrifice their humans to, but that she, as his own true love and sort of the the mother of his child, could save him.

“Is that so?”

It was, he said, and explained: He would be forced to join the faeries as they rode about on their horses. If she intercepted them and dragged Tam Lin from his horse, they would turn him into a variety of creatures — a snake, a lion, a metal rod. As long as he held on, he was hers for keeps.

Janet agreed, somewhat reluctantly. And that night, she met him at the appointed time and place, and waited for the faeries to ride by. When she saw Tam Lin, awkwardly perched atop a very small horse, she pulled him down and held on tight.

Immediately, he was transformed. He became an otter! And he became…an otter. She held on tight anyway, and as the company of faeries rode away, he remained an otter.

At first, she gave him the benefit of the doubt, but when her child came out half otter, she became fairly sure he was keeping something from her.

The End.

Source: Tam Lin, Child’s Ballad #39

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Ballads and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,