Nursery Rhymes Posts

Little Bo Peep Gets Her Sheep

Once upon a time, a group of sheep sneaked out into the dead of night.

They were dressed all in black, with black hats and ski masks, and flares and heavy artillery, lest they should be caught.

The sheep were sneaking out, determined to become their own sheep, rather than just members of the herd.

But they didn’t count on Little Bo Peep.

Little Bo Peep, Shepherdess Extraordinaire, had been contacted as soon as the sheep went missing. She showed up faster than humanly possible, armed with tasers, stun guns, black lights, and a sweater made of wool.

“They’ll understand,” was all she said, when asked about the sweater.

The sheep thought nothing of it when they encountered the sweater the first time. But the second time, a few fell back upon realizing they’d seen the sweater before, and that something must be afoot.

They immediately fell to the ground, twitching, and as the others watched in horror, a girl all in black stepped out to collect the fallen animals.

After that, they watched carefully for the sweater, taking twists and turns in their path, traveling in the daytime.

They let themselves go at night once, and sure enough, Little Bo Peep was in that sweater when they saw it. She scooped them up by their tails, and they woke up the next day cooped in the barn.

“Just doing my job,” she said as they awoke in horror, as if she’d been waiting for their eyes to open to say that very thing, and then she left.

The End.

Source: Little Bo Peep, Nursery Rhyme

Jack Be Crazy

Once upon a time, Jack jumped over a candlestick, and burned his foot.

He fell upon the floor, screaming and clutching his afflicted foot, much to the surprise of his family. You see, they knew something Jack clearly did not: the candlestick was not lit. There wasn’t even a candle in it, nor had there been for some time.

But Jack carried on, and his family resigned to take him to the doctor.

Although Jack claimed he’d burned his hand as well as his foot, the doctor could find no damage.

So they took him to the hospital, where Jack claimed he’d burned his hand, his foot, and his face, but none of the doctors could find anything wrong.

Finally, once Jack declared he was on fire, they took him to a psychiatrist, who instructed them to take him to the fire house.

It all seemed rather silly, but when one firefighter sprayed Jack down with the hose, he calmly stood up and announced that he was ready to go to bed.

The End

Source: Jack Be Nimble, Nursery Rhyme

Peter in the Squash

Once upon a time, a man named Peter genetically engineered a pumpkin about the size of a house. At least, it was about the size of his house, which was about as large as a shed.

You see, he had lately been having more fights than usual with his wife — over the remote control, or whose turn it was to cook, or who should be responsible for cleaning up after the three toed sloth who lived just outside their house.

The solution, Peter decided, was that he and his wife should live in separate spaces. However, Peter didn’t have the money for another house, and so he genetically engineered a pumpkin.

His wife was less than excited when she came home from work to find that all her things, along with a cot and an icebox, had been moved into a giant pumpkin. But live in it she did, and she didn’t say a word to Peter.

Sometimes, he could faintly hear her on the phone, or walking from one side of the pumpkin to the other. But for the most part, they never really saw each other, and Peter had never been happier.

However, he was not at all happy when he came home and saw a bulldozer demolishing his home. When all the dust cleared, one thing was left: a slightly larger than average squash, with a hole cut into it for a door.

The End.

Source: Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater, Nursery Rhyme.

Miss Muffet Admits Defeat

Once upon a time, one Little Miss Muffet helped herself to a heaping plate of delicious lasagna and found a comfortable armchair in which to eat it.

However, just as she was about to sit down and enjoy her meal, Someone called out and stopped her.

No!” Someone shouted. “That is an armchair! You must sit upon a tuffet!”

“A tuffet?”

“A tuffet.”

“And what, pray tell, is a tuffet?”

“That is a tuffet,” Someone said, and suddenly what looked like an ottoman without any legs appeared before her. “Also, half a bushel.”

“What?”

“Nevermind.”

The tuffet did not look nearly as comfortable as the armchair.

“And who are you to tell me to sit upon a tuffet?” asked our stubborn (and hungry) Miss Muffet.

“The Narrator,” The Narrator replied.

“Oh,” said Miss Muffet, and then sat upon the tuffet.

It took some time to get comfortable, but once she had, she once again picked up that delicious lasagna.

“No!” The Narrator shouted. “That is lasagna! You must eat curds and whey!”

“Curds and whey?”

“Curds and whey.”

“And what, pray tell, are curds and whey?”

“This is curds and whey, ” the Narrator said said, and suddenly, a bowl of what looked like cottage cheese floating in milky water appeared before her.

Miss Muffet took one look at the curds and whey, and decided she had had enough of the whole situation. She left with a bit of a stomp and a grumble.

Sometime later…

Along came a spider, who landed on the armchair and helped himself to the lasagna. It was delicious.

The End.

Source: Little Miss Muffet, English Nursery Rhyme.

Jack and Jill, and Jill and Jack

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Jack and his sister Jill.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Jill and her brother Jack.  A different Jill, and a different Jack altogether.

Now, Jack who had a sister Jill, and Jill who had a brother Jack, were madly in love. They had every intention of getting married one day.  The other Jill and the other Jack, were, as far as anyone else knew, not romantically involved. However, they were quite compatible in their entrepreneurial styles, and decided to go into business together.

So one day, Jill and Jack went up a hill, to put their very first business plan into action. Meanwhile, Jack and Jill stayed behind to have a picnic under a tree, complete with tea and crumpets and wings and crowns. They were very festive picnic-ers.

Although Jack had insisted that tap water should work just fine, Jill had forced him to go up the hill with her to fetch a pail of cold spring water, so that they could bottle that cold spring water and sell it to others, starting with, probably, Jack and Jill.

Unfortunately, they never made it to that point. While trying to scoop the cold spring water into the first plastic bottle, Jack slipped on a wet rock and began to roll down the hill at a terrifying speed. Jack and Jill below were so busy below staring into each other’s souls that neither of them saw Jack hurtling toward them, with the result that Jack smashed into Jack, bruising his face, and knocking the crown from his head. When Jill saw the crown lying broken on the ground, she tumbled into the mess as well, screaming and kicking and scratching.

Meanwhile, Jill remained atop the hill, slowly filling water bottles. By the time she made her way down, Jack, Jack and Jill had stopped fighting and were all very tired and thirsty. Since they were friends, Jill only charged each of them $2.50.

The End.

Source: Jack and Jill, Nursery Rhyme

H.D. WallSitter Sits On a Wall

Once upon a time, an egg called H. D. WallSitter fell from the top of a wall.

And it was no ordinary fall. Mr. WallSitter spent quite a lot of time sitting on walls, after all, and had some experience falling off them.

This was, in fact, a Great Fall. He had never had one of THOSE before.

He promptly broke into pieces, and was so distraught he hardly noticed when all the king’s horses and all the king’s men arrived to perform emergency surgery. Or, when an actual surgeon showed up to piece him back together again.

It was only later, when the anesthesia was starting to wear off, the Mr. WallSitter realized one of the king’s horses had never left. This horse was wearing pinstriped pants and a gray vest. He had a pocket watch in his hoof.

“You know, Mr. WallSitter,” the horse said. “That wall you were sitting on, I’d say it didn’t look fit for sitting upon. Not fit for sitting upon at all. Tell me, was there a sign?”

“A sign?”

“Telling you not to sit upon the wall?”

“Not at all!”

“Had you received any warnings about staying away from the wall?”

“Not at all!”

“Then, Mr. WallSitter, I think I can make you a very rich egg indeed.”

The egg drifted off to sleep at that point, but the next day, he called the king’s horse and asked him to represent him in a lawsuit against the city for allowing the wall to become unfit for sitting upon.

He did become a very rich egg, and immediately had plans drafted for the construction of his very own wall.

The End

Source: Humpty Dumpty, English Nursery Rhyme