June 15, 2009 Archive

15Jun
0

With a Big Fluffy Tail

Once upon a time, a girl and her brother lived with their stepmother, who was not at all nice to them. She would call them names and stick her tongue out at them, and sometimes even give them noogies.

Once they got a little older, they decided they had had enough and ran away from home, bringing with them only what they could carry. They left in the night, while their stepmother snored and muttered something about donkeys in her sleep.

After a long night and long day of traveling, the two became tired and thirsty. But at the first stream they discovered, a fish wearing glasses popped out and said quite clearly:

“Don’t drink the water. It will give you a big fluffy tail, like a squirrel!”

So the girl pulled back, but her brother drank deeply. When he stood up, he did indeed have a big fluffy tail, just like a squirrel. He had a hard time controlling it at first, and it kept brushing against his sister’s face, making her sneeze.

After a while, it got so bad, they had to stop so she could sit down and blow her nose repeatedly, and her brother resolved to get her some water. So he went off to get some, and while he was gone, a friendly chipmunk hopped over and told her,

“Don’t you drink that water! It will turn you into a kangaroo!”

She told her brother immediately when he returned, but he only shrugged and then drank the water himself.

And turned into a kangaroo.

With a big fluffy squirrel tail.

He asked if she wanted to ride some of the way in his pouch, but she declined.

Finally, they came to a little house with a stream running next to it. There didn’t seem to be anyone there, but for a bird who sat in the tree just outside.

“Don’t drink the water,” the bird said. “It will turn you into a llama. The tap water inside is just fine, though.”

The girl turned to tell her brother, but he was already drinking the water from the stream. When he came up for air, he did indeed have the head of a llama. With the body of a kangaroo, and a big fluffy squirrel tail.

“There’s good water inside, you know,” she said. Her brother just shrugged, and hopped into the house.

For a while, they were actually pretty happy. It was a nice house, in a nice little area, with a faucet and a stocked fridge. Every day they went for walks, and watched animals who drank from the stream turn into llamas.

But one day, the house’s owner came home. The girl and her brother fled into the woods, and watched as their home was taken back by a man with the head of a llama, and his dog with the head of a llama. Every day, though, when the man and his dog went for a walk, the brother sneaked back in and came out with food.

Except one day, the man saw him. He watched from just outside as a kangaroo with the head of a llama and tail of a squirrel sneaked into the house, removed a loaf of bread and some turkey, and hopped back into the woods. He watched as the creature stopped and set out the food for the prettiest girl he had ever seen, and then ate his out of a little bowl.

He watched a few more times, but one day went over to talk to them. He explained that he was really a king, but he was so embarrassed at having been turned into a llama that he hid out in the woods. He asked the girl to marry him.

At first, she was conflicted. She didn’t know if she believed his royal claim. And, even if he was really a king, did she really want to marry something with a llama’s head? But she did love the house, and besides, her own brother had the head of a llama now, and she couldn’t very well discriminate against others of his kind.

So she agreed, with the stipulation that her brother was able to stay with them as well.

“That’s just fine,” the king said. “My sister needs to stay with us as well.”

Next to him, the dog nodded.

The End. For now…

Source: Brother and Sister, Brothers Grimm

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

A Little Man Who Wears Many Different Hats, Part Two

Once upon a time, there was a young man who had been tricked by a little man in a sailor’s cap into grabbing a goose made entirely out of syrup, and as a result had his food stolen away from him.

Now, Less,(short for “Less Attractive than his older brothers” ,Fair and Handsome) was feeling quite down about himself, because of the goose situation, and tired, when he arrived home with his hands stuck to this goose and with his two brothers dragging beside him. He was certain his mother would want to have words with him, and that most of them wouldn’t be nice.

So he was surprised at least to find his mother considering a poster at the dining room table, and even surprised that her face broke into a rather disturbing smile when she turned around and looked at him.

“There’s  a grand prize,” she explained. “The king needs someone to make his daughter laugh. Three grown men stuck to a goose made out of syrup should do it!”

“What’s the prize?” Less asked. He imagined himself, briefly, marrying the princess and spending the rest of his life jet skiing across grassy plains and relaxing under an oversized umbrella as a storm raged around him.

“25 whole dollars!” she said, instead. “Can’t beat that!”

And so, even though he thought the whole thing was a little absurd, Less dragged the goose and his brothers to the castle, where the king sat in his throne, presiding over a long line of clowns and jugglers and stand up comedians. A young lady, presumably his daughter, sat next to him and yawned occasionally.

By the time Less got to the front of the room, he was so tired of waiting on line and so annoyed with his brothers, who kept waking up and demanding waffles, that he said the first thing that came out of his mouth, which, unfortunately, was,

“Don’t you have better things to do all day than parade people in front of your daughter?”

Luckily for him, the princess did in fact laugh, so hard she fell out of her throne. If that hadn’t happened, the king might very well have executed our poor hero right there.

But laugh she did, and the king had no choice but to hand over $25.

He took the money home, and put it aside. He and his mother worked at getting the goose, and his brothers, unattached to Less.

But soon, another flyer circulated, this one promising $50 dollars for anyone who could finish a gigantic loaf of bread.

At first, Less felt very put upon by his mother’s request for him to enter the contest again. But then, he had an idea.

On the day the contest was to begin, he wandered into the forest, until he spotted a little man wearing a hat made out of fruit. Once he knew for certain he had the little man’s attention, he began to sing a song about a gigantic loaf of bread, and how happy he would be to eat it all.

Just as he had planned, the little man followed him all the way to the castle, and then proceeded to trip him and beat him to the bread, which he ate without stopping to breathe, or even swallow, it seemed. When he had finished, the king awarded a $50 bill…to the little man, who promptly ate it.

Somehow, Less had not foreseen this turn of events, so he went home rather frustrated. And the next week, when his mother showed him a flier announcing a contest to see who could drink a basement full of fizzy blue soda, he outright refused.

Here’s what he did instead: he took the $25 dollars, bought a ring, and asked the princess to marry him. She said no, but he felt he had accomplished something in the asking, anyway.

The End.

Source: The Golden Goose

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

The Icky Bridegroom

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was promised in marriage by her family to someone she did not care for at all. He was a short thin man with a narrow mustache and shifty eyes. Worst of all, he pronounced schedule “shedule” and even though she made it a point to talk about her busy”ska-edule” whenever he came to visit, he unfortunately still wished to marry her.

Before the wedding could take place however, her parents insisted she visit the man at home, to make sure he had no terrible secrets, like bodies under his deck or cats that bit. He provided her with a poor map he had printed off the internet, but to make sure she could find her way home again, she dropped lentils as she went. She didn’t like her mother’s lentil soup anyway.

She soon reached a little house in the shadow of a giant willow tree. As she slowly approached it, however, she was startled by this:

“Brraaaaack! Don’t go in there!”

“Braaack! you’ll regret it!”

It took some time, but she managed to track the voice to a parrot sitting in the tree above her.

“Shhh!” she said. “He’ll hear!”

There were footsteps then, and the sound of the door creaking. Quickly, she darted behind a chest of drawers behind which there was an extraordinary amount of dust.

Her bridegroom to be had indeed entered the room, but luckily he had not noticed her. She could tell because of the next few things he did.

First, he sat down in the middle of the floor and took off his shoes. After taking a long whiff, he cut his toenails. He then swept them into a little pile and put them in his pocket.

Next, he filled a small kiddie pool with cologne and got into it. He stayed in there for quite some time. After a while, she could feel her eyes burning from all the fumes in the air, but she dared not move or risk giving away her location.

Finally, he stood before the mirror, occasionally murmuring things like “You’re a tiger. Rawr!” or “Rock my world! Rock it hard!” while sometimes slipping his hand into his pocket and chewing on something he had found there.

And then he went into the kitchen, and his bride to be made her escape.

“Brraaack! Going already?” called the parrot.

She tore down the path, following the trail she’d left for herself, and immediately told her father what she’d seen upon arriving home.

* * *

On the day before the wedding, the sun shone and people arrived, mostly not on time. But during the rehearsal dinner, the bride-to-be stood up and shyly (she hoped) asked to make a speech for the man who would be her husband.

“I had a dream,” she began. “I dreamed I went to your house, in the woods, and met a parrot who told me to go no further. I dreamed I heard you coming, and hid behind some furniture. And I dreamed I watched you do disgusting things, like bathe in cologne.”

At this point, several noses pricked up near the bridegroom.

“And smell your own feet.”

“And cut your toenails.”

“And collect and eat them.”

All eyes turned on the bridegroom, who was nervously chewing on something, his hand in his pocket.

The End

Source: The Robber Bridegroom, Brothers Grimm

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

A Little Man Who Wears Many Different Hats

Once upon a time there were three brothers, called Handsome, Fair, and Less Attractive Then His Two Older Brothers (let’s call him Less for short). Now, usually all three brothers spent their days in leisure, playing games and reading and eating and fighting with each other. Their parents did most of the work.

But one day, their father was accosted by an angry moose, and while he was on bedrest, their mother realized she was going to have to give her sons work to do.

The first task she set them was to collect wood. Their stockpile was quickly running out, and she didn’t like when the cat’s paws got too cold. So, she packed up a nice meal for Handsome, and told him to collect as much wood as he could manage. However, not long into his trip, he was stopped by a little man with a jester’s hat on.

“Excuse me sir,” he said. “I’m so very hungry. May I have some of your food?”

Handsome considered. “No can do, little man,” he said. “For if I give my food to you, what will I eat? No can do.”

He went off on his way, but the little man with the jester’s hat on sneaked up behind him and hit the back of his leg very hard with an ax. While Handsome was down, the little man stole his food and ran off.

Later that night, when their mother realized that the cat’s paws were cold, and therefore that Handsome had never come home, she sent Fair out to find him, packing him a nice snack should he get hungry during his search.

He set out, but soon into his journey he was stopped by the same little man, only this time he was wearing a cowboy hat.

“Please, good man, I’m so hungry,” he said. “Might I have some of your food?”

But Fair just walked on, as though he didn’t hear the little man at all.

And so, just as he thought he had spotted his brother, the little man in the cowboy hat hit him over the head with a large novelty hammer he happened to have on his person. He stole the food and ran off.

The next day, upon realizing that neither Handsome nor Fair had returned, their mother sent Less in search of both or either of them, packing him a lunch made of leftovers.

Soon after he set off, however, he was stopped by the same little man, this time wearing a sailor’s cap.

“Please, sir, I’m so hungry,” he said. “Might I have some of your food?”

Less considered his request. “I guess,” he said. “Let’s sit down and share it.”

The little man seemed taken aback, but he exclaimed, “How kind of you, sir! For your generosity, I will share a secret with you. If you cut down this tree, you will find something wonderful inside.”

So Less cut down the tree, and found inside a goose made entirely of syrup. But when he tried to pick it up and put it in his pack, he found his hand stuck fast to the goose.

While he was stuck, the little man stole his food and ran off.

At this point, Less figured he might as well just go on with his search, and when he found his brothers he stuck their hands to the goose as well and slowly dragged them back home.

The End. For now…

Source: The Golden Goose

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

Jack and Jill, and Jill and Jack

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Jack and his sister Jill.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Jill and her brother Jack.  A different Jill, and a different Jack altogether.

Now, Jack who had a sister Jill, and Jill who had a brother Jack, were madly in love. They had every intention of getting married one day.  The other Jill and the other Jack, were, as far as anyone else knew, not romantically involved. However, they were quite compatible in their entrepreneurial styles, and decided to go into business together.

So one day, Jill and Jack went up a hill, to put their very first business plan into action. Meanwhile, Jack and Jill stayed behind to have a picnic under a tree, complete with tea and crumpets and wings and crowns. They were very festive picnic-ers.

Although Jack had insisted that tap water should work just fine, Jill had forced him to go up the hill with her to fetch a pail of cold spring water, so that they could bottle that cold spring water and sell it to others, starting with, probably, Jack and Jill.

Unfortunately, they never made it to that point. While trying to scoop the cold spring water into the first plastic bottle, Jack slipped on a wet rock and began to roll down the hill at a terrifying speed. Jack and Jill below were so busy below staring into each other’s souls that neither of them saw Jack hurtling toward them, with the result that Jack smashed into Jack, bruising his face, and knocking the crown from his head. When Jill saw the crown lying broken on the ground, she tumbled into the mess as well, screaming and kicking and scratching.

Meanwhile, Jill remained atop the hill, slowly filling water bottles. By the time she made her way down, Jack, Jack and Jill had stopped fighting and were all very tired and thirsty. Since they were friends, Jill only charged each of them $2.50.

The End.

Source: Jack and Jill, Nursery Rhyme

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Nursery Rhymes and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

The Flutist and the Salespeople

Once upon a time, there was a town. And this town had a problem: it was overrun with salespeople.

It had all started long ago, when a traveling sock salesmen had stopped into town on a particularly drippy night. By visiting all the restaurants and bars and public places, he was able to unload his entire stock by selling to people whose shoes had gotten wet, people who liked new socks, and people who were just polite. This was quite a polite town, after all.

Unfortunately, word had spread, and soon the town was full of salespeople. They stood by building entrances, spritzing anyone who walked by with perfume. They stood outside windows, asking people to participate in surveys or if they would be interested in having the local news told to them through their windows. They made signs and covered the trees with them.

After some time, the townspeople were quite sick of being advertised to. They were quickly running out of money, for one thing, and were having trouble remembering how to find their own homes because of all the new billboards. Some simply bought town maps from the guy selling them on the corner, but a few gathered together under cover of night to discuss the problem.

The negotiations took long into the night to resolve. After much deliberation, it was decided that the mayor would ask his cousin to come take a look, because his cousin’s town had recently solved its own salesperson problem.

His cousin arrived the next week, wearing a long cape, and holding a flute. For the first day, all he did was stand in the center of town, playing the flute. For the second day, all he did was stand in the center of town, playing the flute, but not quite as well. On the third day, he walked around, handing out mailing lists to all the salespeople. They all had names of different towns on them.

The sales people were gone by the end of the night.

The following morning, there was a small celebration for the clever flutist. Just as he was about to leave, however, he cornered his cousin the mayor and asked for payment, which was only fair.

But that wasn’t all.

After he had accepted a check, he asked his cousin to have the townspeople fill out a survey let him know how well he’d performed his task. He also gave him some complementary posters. Finally, he gave him a pile of discount coupons for extractions of all kinds — salespeople, rats, even traveling flutists.

The mayor began to feel that something had gone terribly wrong.

The End.

Source: The Pied Piper

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

H.D. WallSitter Sits On a Wall

Once upon a time, an egg called H. D. WallSitter fell from the top of a wall.

And it was no ordinary fall. Mr. WallSitter spent quite a lot of time sitting on walls, after all, and had some experience falling off them.

This was, in fact, a Great Fall. He had never had one of THOSE before.

He promptly broke into pieces, and was so distraught he hardly noticed when all the king’s horses and all the king’s men arrived to perform emergency surgery. Or, when an actual surgeon showed up to piece him back together again.

It was only later, when the anesthesia was starting to wear off, the Mr. WallSitter realized one of the king’s horses had never left. This horse was wearing pinstriped pants and a gray vest. He had a pocket watch in his hoof.

“You know, Mr. WallSitter,” the horse said. “That wall you were sitting on, I’d say it didn’t look fit for sitting upon. Not fit for sitting upon at all. Tell me, was there a sign?”

“A sign?”

“Telling you not to sit upon the wall?”

“Not at all!”

“Had you received any warnings about staying away from the wall?”

“Not at all!”

“Then, Mr. WallSitter, I think I can make you a very rich egg indeed.”

The egg drifted off to sleep at that point, but the next day, he called the king’s horse and asked him to represent him in a lawsuit against the city for allowing the wall to become unfit for sitting upon.

He did become a very rich egg, and immediately had plans drafted for the construction of his very own wall.

The End

Source: Humpty Dumpty, English Nursery Rhyme

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Nursery Rhymes and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

The Loquacious Owl and the Fire

Once upon a time, in a little town, a surprising thing happened.

An owl came to live in an empty barn. It wasn’t a big owl, but it had feathers like horns, and a sharp tiny beak.

Now, as even the smallest child in this town could tell you, owls are nocturnal. They only come out at night.  Not this owl.  This owl arrived in the barn one night, certainly, but then it did not leave. What’s more, the townspeople could hear the creature flapping about during the day.

While some thought it must be injured or sick, others thought it must be demonic or mad. In either case, it was generally decided that only brave and strong sorts should enter the barn to check on the owl.

So, a brave and strong sort was chosen, and he walked into the barn early one morning. He didn’t come out until it was dark, and when he did he was shaken, and would talk to no one.

The same thing happened when the miller’s daughter visited the little owl.

The same thing happened when the town’s most well liked firefighter visited the little owl.

After that, a few hotheaded townspeople decided that the only way to deal with such a threat was to destroy it. And so the next night, they set the barn on fire and ran back to the safety of their homes.

Now the farmer who owned the barn was very upset, mostly because his neighbors had destroyed his property without asking him. Also, because their act had been in vain. You see, there was hole in the ceiling of the barn the owl had used to fly in.  The owl also used it to fly out, when things started to get uncomfortably warm.

Now, the farmer knew about the gap because he had put it there.  He needed the owl to be able to fly in and out of the barn, because….

he didn’t want her living in his house anymore. For weeks, the little owl had been visiting him at home.

“Hoot,” she’d say.

“Warm today,” she’d say.

“What do you think of the price of cabbage?” she’d ask.

“I had a vole today. Isn’t that just delightful?” she’d ask.

And she’d say and she’d ask and she’d talk and talk until the farmer couldn’t stand it anymore.

He’d thought letting her live in the barn would be the perfect solution.

“Imagine that!” the little owl said. “Setting the barn on fire! How rude! You know, I saw a fire just like that one some time ago, back over the other side of that big tree, you know, the one with the knobbly branches? I do love to perch in trees!”

The farmer sighed and closed his eyes.

The End

Source: The Owl, Brothers Grimm

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

Dusty Knickers

Once upon a time, there lived an extraordinarily dusty girl.

Now, it wasn’t entirely her fault she was so dusty. She lived with her two stepsisters, who may have been even dustier girls if she didn’t make it her personal mission in life to keep them clean. She forced them to wash up, and swept their rooms and made their beds and made sure they didn’t wear shoes in the house. As a result, she was left with little time to do these things for herself, no matter no often her lazy stepsisters insisted she leave them be and take care of her own room and bed and shoes and personal hygiene.

In time, they began to call her Dusty Knickers, as everything she wore invariably became dusty. And stayed dusty, since she was so busy doing laundry for her step sisters that she failed to do her own.

Now one day, the stepsisters received an invitation to the county cook off, the most exciting time of the year. Unfortunately, the two girls were not particularly good cooks. Even more unfortunately, they thought they were excellent cooks, because they’d never had an opportunity to give their food to anyone other than Dusty, whose tongue was so coated in dust that she couldn’t really taste anything anyway.

So the girls prepared for days, making every recipe they knew — broccoli in cheese sauce, asparagus in cheese sauce, chicken in cheese sauce, cheese in cheese sauce, and a daring new concoction — rice in cheese sauce, with bits of canned tomatoes. They were extremely pleased with themselves, so pleased that they hardly became frustrated when Dusty cleaned up all of their equipment (and spilled cheese sauce) while they were still using it.

On the day of the cookoff, they proudly presented their food to the judges, including for some reason, the prince of a nearby country that also had a prime minister, and watched them chew every bite.

But suddenly, a gust of wind blew past the girls and their stepsister, and all of their dishes were covered in dust.

The girls were distraught. but the judges were grinning.

Several days later, a proclamation went out through out the land that the prince who had been at the cook off had resolved to marry the girl who had caused the dust storm. There was also a proclamation going around about yet another prince who was looking for the owner of a lost glass slipper.

The girls realized at once that the prince would be coming in search of their dusty stepsister. Each of them desperately wanted to be the chosen bride, but they knew they’d never get her cleaned off. So they did the next best thing and locked her in a room.

For days, they lived in the sort of filth they’d unknowingly avoided for years. And it was, well, pretty disgusting.

“That prince had better get here soon,” they’d taken to grumbling. “Because I can’t take much more of this.”

Meanwhile, Dusty sat in the other room, cleaning the walls and the floor, and gathering dust.

And get there the prince did, finally, just as the girls were on the verge of taking showers.

The prince frowned when he saw them. “You are both fairly dusty. But the girl I remember was extraordinarily dusty. Could it be that my imagination has fooled me?

Yes, yes, it could be, the girls affirmed.

Just then, there was a sneeze. And another. And another, all coming from the room Dusty was locked in. The prince, being a valiant, if strange, sort, immediately strode over and pulled open the door.

They were married almost immediately.

The next day, the sisters went out looking for a glass slipper.

The End.

Source: Cinderella, Perrault.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15Jun
0

The Boggart, or the Mystery of the Cricket

Once upon a time there was a family, that is, a man, a woman, and their wee little son. They lived in a smallish house in a nice neighborhood far away from the noise and bustle of the city, and that was just how they liked it.

There was only one problem. The little house was haunted by a boggart.

Now, the man had never seen the boggart. The woman had never seen the boggart. But they were absolutely sure this was only true because the boggart took great pains to hide himself away. They knew he was there anyway.

Like, one time, their wee little son saw a giant shadow on his wall, with many legs and long thin things sticking out of its little head. Or another time, he’d complained of tiredness because he’d been up all night listening to something hum just inside his bedroom. Bits of food disappeared from his little table, and sometimes they’d find remnants of what appeared to be a tiny tea party.

One time, he’d complained, saying “Bogger” and pointing at the wall behind his mother. Just as she’d turned to look, a clock had fallen off the wall for no reason whatsoever. After that, she cleaned the wee little boy up (there were some boogers on his fingers, as he was prone to picking his wee little nose), and immediately told her husband they needed to move.

He prepared, but without much effort. You see, this man understood boggarts. He knew that he would spend a good deal of time packing and cleaning and buying and getting ready and such, until the final day, when he let his neighbors know he was going. At that point, he was sure the boggart would announce its intention of coming along.

You can imagine his surprise when nothing happened.

He and his family rode off one morning with no interruptions or bother. The little boy never complained of the boggart again.

And, back in their old house, a cricket crawled into a patch of sunlight on the floor and curled up to take a nap.

When the man returned the next week to pick up the rest of his family’s belongings, he found his house redecorated, with lovely pictures of crickets all over the wall. He never did find out why.

The End.

Source: The Boggart, English folktale

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Folktales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Next Page »