Stories For Everyone But You

10Feb
1

The Snow Bunny, Concluded

Once upon a time, a wicked rabbit, saddened by the loss of his racist mirror, recruited a boy named Kay to join his attempt at world domination. However, his army of robot rabbits was discovered by Kay’s friend Gerda, a robber girl, and a princess.

Although they did not know it, Kay and Gerda had actually been reunited in the dungeon where the robot rabbits were kept. While the Snow Rabbit showed Kay his masterpiece, Gerda and her friends, who had sneaked in through an open window, waited in a rafter above the room. She thought she could see Kay walking between the rows of robot rabbits, but he was so far away. Also, he was wearing rabbit ears and a fuzzy tail.

“Now!” she cried, giving the signal. Just as they had discussed, all three girls grabbed a chain hanging from the ceiling and swung down to the floor below. But they were interrupted by the robots, who began firing lasers wildly in every direction. Kay and the Snow Rabbit jumped to the floor, and the girls fell to the ground in a heap. Meanwhile, quite a few lasers broke through the dungeon walls, and when the intoxicating scent of bacon wafted by, the robots all began to file out into the world. By the time everyone inside stood up again, the robots were gone.

For a long time, they just stared at each other.

Then they screamed at each other.

Then they decided to follow the robots. However, the robots had a substantial lead, and by the time the Snow Rabbit and the kids found them, it was too late. The rabbits had found a new master.

Standing before the sea of robots was a donkey. “Don’t steal all the bacon!” the donkey said. “Instead, we will give it back.”

And one by one, the robots rabbits turned down their ears and turned off their lasers.

At that point, the Snow Rabbit knew he had lost them, just like he had lost his mirror.

“How about pizza?” he asked, and he, Kay, Gerda, and the girls walked off into the snow.

The End.

Source: The Snow Queen, Hans Christian Andersen.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
19Jan
1

The Snow Bunny, Ctd.

Once upon a time, a wicked rabbit broke his racist mirror and persuaded a boy named Kay to help him take over the world with an army of robot rabbits.

Kay’s disappearance did not sit well with his good friend, Gerda.

Back at home, Gerda  wished that Kay were dead. The sparrows, the swans, and even one squirrel (but not the others) told her she was being unreasonable, but she persisted in wishing upon her friend a number of gory ends.

After a while, she got tired of sitting around and wishing and decided to set off in search of Kay. She left that very night, and it was not because of what the sparrows and the swans and the squirrel might say, no matter what you think. Though it is worth noting that they were asleep when she left.

Of course, night is not really the best time for a little girl to travel, and she was soon beset upon by robbers. Luckily she did not have much of value on her to steal, and even more luckily, one of the few things she did have on her person was a samurai sword. She quickly dispatched the robbers, and was surprised to hear someone clapping behind her.

Behind her stood another girl, dressed like the robbers, who held her own samurai sword. Before Gerda knew it, she was engaged in a very close match, but just as she was sure her very life was about to flash before her eyes, the girl stopped. And laughed. She explained then that while she had enjoyed the fight, she had never really intended to kill gerda. Then she asked if she could join her on her quest.

Gerda agreed, and they set off together

She told the robber girl about Kay, and the other girl, to her relief, did not suggest she refrain from killing him. They traveled together quite peacefully after that, until they came to a beautiful palace. Inside, they were told, was a princess about their same age.

So they went to visit the princess and spent some time talking to her and combing her hair. The princess had only brothers, so she was glad of the female company, even if Gerda and the robber girl were not particularly pleasant. However, it also seemed as though the little princess had a secret, and the third time she excused herself from their teatime, the girls followed her down to the dungeon, where they found her tending to a robotic rabbit with red glowing eyes.

“We must have that!” the robber girl decided, and Gerda agreed.

So they demanded the rabbit, and the princess refused and began to cry. They argued until they realized the rabbit had gone, and they put aside their differences to follow it together. The journey was long and unpleasant, but they finally trackexd thr rabbit to another dungeon.

And in that dungeon were dozens of robot rabbits, all with glowing red eyes.

The End. For now…

Source: The Snow Queen, Hans Christian Andersen.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
10Jan
2

The Snow Bunny

Once upon a time, a rather nasty little rabbit broke a mirror. Now, our rabbit was superstitious as well as nasty, so naturally, he became quite worried about what seven years of bad luck might bring. So naturally, he did the nastiest thing he could, and threw the broken shards of mirror from a high place, so that some went into plants or lakes, or even into people.

And of course, this was no ordinary mirror. It was a racist mirror.

When the mirror broke and shards were scattered all about, people began to feel terrible and mean and no one could figure out why.
Which is how the fight between Gerda and Kay got started.

They were having a perfectly nice time throwing vegetables at passing cars when suddenly they both began to feel mean and uncomfortable. They started fighting over nothing things, and finally, Gerda gave up on their game and went home. Which makes what Kay did later more understandable if not excuseable. He was, after all, very bored.

That night, a white rabbit with red eyes appeared just outside his window.

“Are you like a snow bunny?” Kay asked, for the rabbit was indeed hopping around in the snow, in a very menacing way.

“I am the great snow rabbit!” He said, and spat on the ground. “I am very powerful, very wicked. And great”

Once that was settled, the rabbit inquired whether Kay wanted to participate in devious and evil acts. Kay agreed readily, and after some time tripping people inthe street and stealing candy from the weaker looking children, the snow rabbit revealed to Kay his terrible plan. You see, the rabbit had been very saddened by the loss of his racist mirror, and he had begun a project to distract himself.

Down in the snow rabbit’s basement, Kay found, were one hundred rabbit robots with metal fangs and red lasers for eyes.
Kay saw immediately what he was doing.

“But once you have taken over the world and claimed all the Bacon for yourself,” he asked, ” what will you do?”

” Oh, you will see,” the snow rabbit promised, and he rubbed his paws together in a menacing way. “You will see.”

The End. For now…

Source: The Snow Queen, Hans Christian Andersen.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , ,
03Jan
1

The Alien Bridegroom

Once upon a time, a small alien spacecraft crash-landed in a field somewhere. There was only one alien inside, and he was very cross indeed when he got out and had a look at the damage, because spacecraft bumpers don’t come cheap anywhere, really, especially when they need to have cow dung cleaned off them.

However, all of this changed when he looked across the field and saw…the sheep of his dreams. Now, before this moment, he wasn’t really aware that he was attracted to sheep, or really even that sheep existed, for that matter. But as soon as he saw this particular sheep, he knew that nothing could stand in the way of their true love.

However, when he approached the lovely sheep and explained his feelings, she turned him down. She had other plans, she explained, involving the bear who was currently roaming the countryside off to the left.  She knew the stories, she said, and she knew that once they were married he would come to bed and turn into a human as long as she didn’t tell anyone the secret.

The alien went away very sad, but some time later, he came back to seek out the little sheep. He was delighted to find her without the bear husband.

“He was really just a bear,” she explained. “Not a human. But I have another plan.”

It turned out that a certain salamander, she was sure was really a prince, and all she had to do was kiss him to make him hers.

So the alien wished her luck, and sadly went away again.

But when he came back, he found the sheep still on her own. No prince, and no salamander. What’s more, she seemed open to the idea of going out with the alien.

After the salamander had turned out to be a salamander, after all, she explained, and jumped away into a fire after she kissed him, she had met a funny furry creature with claws and a duck bill, and assumed he was a prince who had been turned into a strange beast. But after several months of getting to know one another, she realized he was actually just a platypus. She was done human hunting, she said. Maybe.

For a moment, the alien was filled with joy. But then he thought about how long it had taken them to get to that point, and how many other options the sheep had exhausted. Also, the fact that she couldn’t really, completely commit to giving up searching for a human husband was disconcerting.

So he went back home, and took some time for himself.

He settled into a very satisfying career as a ceramic bowl maker, and only thought of the little sheep and her strange fixations occasionally.

The End.

© Beatrix Cottonpants Original

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Beatrix Cottonpants Originals and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , ,
28Dec
0

Old Slipslide, Ctd.

Once upon a time, the daughter of a mermaid and a water park aficionado was catapulted into a wave pool to the lair of a half-man, half octopus. Upon meeting, the aforementioned creature welcomed her home, much to her horror.

“I’m Old Slipslide,” he introduced himself. “And I look forward to having you as my wife.”

“Old Slipslide? That sounds sort of dirty,” she said.

“Dirty? How so?” he asked.

“Nevermind,” she replied, “What’s all this wife business?”

And Old Slipslide explained, slowly and patiently, that by darting into his underwater home, the girl had consented to be his wife. And he was very glad she had, for she had the cutest little nose he ever did see. He assured her that there was no escape, and then shuffled off to prepare dinner.

At first, she scoffed at his promise, and made for the door, the window, and the interesting catapult device he used every day to go out and get the paper. But sure enough, everything was locked with a combination she had to admit, after many tries, she just could not figure out. And eventually, she got sort of comfortable living at the bottom of a wave pool. Old Slipslide turned out to be a pretty good cook, and his idea of marriage was apparently watching movies together while eating dinner.

But from time to time, she saw faces she recognized in the newspaper — her old sweetheart’s, or her father’s, and she realized she very much missed her old life. But how was she going to escape?

After ruling out any real escape plans, she tried something simple. She made comments, left notes, sang songs, all around the same general theme: I miss my dad, and this house is so stuffy, maybe we could open a window every once in a while? Finally, Old Slipslide obliged by opening a window, and the girl darted out and swam to the surface before he realized what was happening.

Back home, she was received warmly indeed by her father and her former sweetheart, whom she immediately agreed to marry even though she supposed she was technically still married to Old Slipslide. But she didn’t worry about it, because she was so very happy to have her old life back.

For a little while, anyway.

After a few months, she found that she was a little annoyed by her new fiancee, she missed having her own space, and she even sort of missed Old Slipslide. Her sweetheart was not a good cook, as it turned out, and loved to have romantic evenings dancing in the moonlight, which was nice at first, but had gotten old really fast. However, she was happy to be with her father again, and she did not really miss living underwater or being held captive.

The solution presented itself to her all at once. During a particularly bad bout of dancing atop the water slide, she asked her sweetheart to pause while she scribbled off a note: “Come see me if you’re ever on the outside”.

She taped the note to his jacket and immediately shoved him down the slide. He flew off in a spectacular manner and landed in the middle of the wave pool.

She smiled, and then she waited.

The End.

Source: Old Rinkrank, Brothers Grimm

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales, Uncategorized and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
20Dec
3

Old Slipside

Once upon a time, a man who loved water parks hooked up with a mermaid in a wave pool.

Nine months later, she turned up at his door with a baby girl. He inquired, as politely as he could in his mostly shocked and somewhat suspicious state, but neither the mermaid nor the baby could provide a particularly helpful answer.

Left alone with the mermaid’s baby, the man did the only thing he could think of: he built a cottage to keep her in, and on top of it built a great plastic structure with water streaming down it. When the neighborhood kids begged to have a ride on it, he realized that the thing he had built to keep his daughter safe was, in fact, a water slide. And an excellent one, at that.

For years, the neighborhood children annoyed him. They always wanted to ride on the waterslide, or see the waterslide, or throw someone bothersome down the waterslide. But that was nothing, he realized later, compared to what they annoyed him about later.

You see, his daughter had grown to be very pretty indeed, and though she only rarely went out, she attracted more male attention than her father was comfortable with. Finally, he was forced to deal with the situation in the most logical way he could think of: he declared that no boy could date his daughter unless he managed to climb to the top of the water slide while the water was on.

For a while, the arrangement worked out quite nicely: any number of intrepid suitors declared at the foot of the slide how they intended to brave the slide and capture the heart of the girl, and then inevitably plunged to the ground after only a few steps.

It was a very good slide.

However, eventually, the thing he feared most happened: his daughter favored one of the young men, and arranged, behind her father’s back, to help him make his way up the water slide.

She reached out for his hand at the appointed time and place, and he very nearly made it. But when he finally managed to grab her hand, he slipped in the water and flew down the slide, dragging the girl with him. At some point, their hands broke apart, and she gained so much momentum that she flew into the air, over the water park and into the wave pool, where she disappeared in a giant gurgle.

Her father was none too pleased with the suitor who had done her in, however unintentionally.

Meanwhile, the girl sank further and deeper into the wave pool than she would have thought possible, and when she finally hit the bottom, she found herself face to face with an old man who seemed to have scales and the body of an octopus.

“Welcome home,” the creature said, and grinned.

The End. For now…

Source: Old Rinkrank, Brothers Grimm

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Fairy Tales and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , ,
05Dec
0

At the Pumpkin Ball

Once upon a time, a girl earned the help of a bird, a squirrel and a hippopotamus by sharing her snacks, even though she really really wanted them. In return, those animals helped her sneak out and attend the Pumpkin Ball, the most magical festival of the season.

And it was just as magical as she expected. The Ball was held outdoors, despite the autumn chill, with a large tent assembled in case of rain. Glowing orange bulbs hung from the rafters, and wooden tables lined the walls. At the center, the floor was open for dancing, and at the head of it all sat the Pumpkin Throne.

Every year at the Pumpkin Ball, a Pumpkin Queen was chosen from the throngs of party goers and given the chance to preside over the festivities, deciding the dances, the songs, the games. It was magical indeed, as long as the Pumpkin Queen was not the sort to favor quiet games of cards or music with too much bass.

But that year, it seemed as though things were going to be different. It started out magically enough: the lucky girl was chosen, crowned, and led to the throne. But once she was seated, things started to go wrong. The commands she issued had nothing to do with the Ball or dancing or games. They were political in nature, and also, sort of evil.

And then she noticed the eyes. Everyone around her had red eyes, and all were staring adoringly at their new Queen.

She began to feel a little suspicious. And then she began to feel a little bit scared, as everyone else looked suspicious at her. Assuming of course that dozens of red eyes staring her down as if she’d just changed the channel without asking, meant they were suspicious.

“Not on the guest list!” someone cried, before they began to chase her.

“Not on the guest list!” they chanted, as they removed rifles, spears and pitchforks from petticoats and topcoats and trench coats.

And then she ran. It seemed the only logical thing to do.

And at some point, amidst the running and hiding and occasional taunting, something important occurred to her.

She wasn’t on the guest list.

She hadn’t been expected.

So whatever had afflicted her fellow townsfolk was not afflicting her, and therefore, she was the only one who could do anything.

At that point, she stopped running. She waited until the crowd caught up, and demanded to see the Queen. And when the Queen appeared, all red eyes and orange finery, the girl challenged her.

“A teasing contest,” she declared. “For the town.”

And so it began. Long into the night, it seemed, they insulted each other’s hair, clothes, intelligence, girth and mothers. Finally, the Queens crumpled and burst into tears. All around her, the townspeople returned to normal. They crowned their new Queen, and finished the night with food, dancing and games.

Far later into the night, everyone started to make their way home, laughing and talking, so that they hardly noticed her.

Even the girl almost didn’t noticed the former Queen crouching in the bushes, waiting.

She wondered how long she would wait.

© Beatrix Cottonpants Original

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Beatrix Cottonpants Originals and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , ,
26Nov
0

Little Bo Peep Gets Her Sheep

Once upon a time, a group of sheep sneaked out into the dead of night.

They were dressed all in black, with black hats and ski masks, and flares and heavy artillery, lest they should be caught.

The sheep were sneaking out, determined to become their own sheep, rather than just members of the herd.

But they didn’t count on Little Bo Peep.

Little Bo Peep, Shepherdess Extraordinaire, had been contacted as soon as the sheep went missing. She showed up faster than humanly possible, armed with tasers, stun guns, black lights, and a sweater made of wool.

“They’ll understand,” was all she said, when asked about the sweater.

The sheep thought nothing of it when they encountered the sweater the first time. But the second time, a few fell back upon realizing they’d seen the sweater before, and that something must be afoot.

They immediately fell to the ground, twitching, and as the others watched in horror, a girl all in black stepped out to collect the fallen animals.

After that, they watched carefully for the sweater, taking twists and turns in their path, traveling in the daytime.

They let themselves go at night once, and sure enough, Little Bo Peep was in that sweater when they saw it. She scooped them up by their tails, and they woke up the next day cooped in the barn.

“Just doing my job,” she said as they awoke in horror, as if she’d been waiting for their eyes to open to say that very thing, and then she left.

The End.

Source: Little Bo Peep, Nursery Rhyme

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Nursery Rhymes and tagged with , , , , , , , ,
17Nov
0

Jack Be Crazy

Once upon a time, Jack jumped over a candlestick, and burned his foot.

He fell upon the floor, screaming and clutching his afflicted foot, much to the surprise of his family. You see, they knew something Jack clearly did not: the candlestick was not lit. There wasn’t even a candle in it, nor had there been for some time.

But Jack carried on, and his family resigned to take him to the doctor.

Although Jack claimed he’d burned his hand as well as his foot, the doctor could find no damage.

So they took him to the hospital, where Jack claimed he’d burned his hand, his foot, and his face, but none of the doctors could find anything wrong.

Finally, once Jack declared he was on fire, they took him to a psychiatrist, who instructed them to take him to the fire house.

It all seemed rather silly, but when one firefighter sprayed Jack down with the hose, he calmly stood up and announced that he was ready to go to bed.

The End

Source: Jack Be Nimble, Nursery Rhyme

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Nursery Rhymes and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
11Nov
1

The Creepy Guy in the Water

Once upon a time, a boy named Nancy took a walk home along a long dark stream.

Now, Nancy was known by friends and strangers alike as being sort of a creepy guy.  It wasn’t so much his tendency to hang around small children or unnecessarily mock animals. It was more the way he  lurked in the shadows, hunched over and with his hands in the pockets of his trench coat.

But Nancy just waved off people who told him this, and went about his creepy business.

Now, on the night Creepy Nancy ventured to walk down the long dark stream, he happened upon a group of vampires just on the other side of the stream. They seemed to be involved in whatever it was they were doing, but just in case, Nancy quickened his pace and tried not to look across the water.

But suddenly, he felt a presence near him, and out of the corner of his eye, an image. The creepiest guy he’d ever seen, hunched and shadowed.

And standing right next to him.

What happened next, Nancy had no control over. He jumped back and may have even screamed. As he collapsed on the ground, he looked up in terror, and found…nothing.

Except that stream, in which he could see, when he stood up again, his own reflection. His own, very creepy, reflection.

At some point, a few of the vampires stopped by to make sure Nancy was okay.

It was very embarrassing indeed.

The End.

Source: Narcissus, Greek Myth

For the person who lived this, but without, you know, the vampires.

Posted by Beatrix Cottonpants in Myths and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Next Page »